Question 1

In what ways do we grieve?

Accepted Answer

Matthew 26:38-39He [Jesus] told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”Sometimes grief is anticipatory. Jesus had not yet experienced the emotional and physical pain of betrayal, abandonment, and crucifixion. But he knew what was coming—and his soul was crushed by the heaviness of it.Lamentations 4:20Our king—the Lord’s anointed, the very life of our nation—was caught in their snares. We had thought that his shadow would protect us against any nation on earth!Matthew 16:21-22From then on Jesus began to tell his disciples plainly that it was necessary for him to go to Jerusalem, and that he would suffer many terrible things at the hands of the elders, the leading priests, and the teachers of religious law. He would be killed, but on the third day he would be raised from the dead. But Peter took him aside and began to reprimand him for saying such things. “Heaven forbid, Lord,” he said. “This will never happen to you!”Shock, disbelief, and denial are common responses to grief. Sometimes, such emotions come afterward, such as the shock and disbelief the people of Judah experienced after God’s anointed king fell to the Babylonians. Other times, this reaction comes in anticipatory grief, such as when Peter denied that Jesus would die.Mark 3:3-5Jesus said to the man with the deformed hand, “Come and stand in front of everyone.” Then he turned to his critics and asked, “Does the law permit good deeds on the Sabbath, or is it a day for doing evil? Is this a day to save life or to destroy it?” But they wouldn’t answer him. He looked around at them angrily and was deeply saddened by their hard hearts.John 11:33When Jesus saw her [Mary, Lazarus’s sister] weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled up within him, and he was deeply troubled.Grief can very naturally lead to anger, and such anger is not necessarily sin. Jesus lived a sinless life, yet Jesus was grieved and angered by the heartlessness of the leaders who claimed to guide God’s flock and cared nothing for the sheep. When Jesus lost a friend, Lazarus, and saw the pain Lazarus’s friends and family were going through, his grief expressed itself in anger—not at those around him, but at the pain and wrongness of death itself. While we should be cautious about letting anger control us (Ephesians 4:26-27), anger at what is wrong and evil in this world is natural, and expressing our anger can be a healthy part of the grieving process.2 Samuel 12:16-17David begged God to spare the child. He went without food and lay all night on the bare ground. The elders of his household pleaded with him to get up and eat with them, but he refused.John 11:32When Mary arrived and saw Jesus, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.”Often we bargain as we grieve. Such bargaining may be a literal attempt to bargain with God to avoid a grief, such as David fasting and praying for his sickly son. Other times, like Lazarus’s sister Mary, we ask ourselves what could have been done differently in the past to prevent a grief. Perhaps Mary blamed herself or even Jesus for Lazarus’s death: If only the messenger had been sent sooner! If only my message had been more urgent and persuasive! If only Jesus had left sooner! Such bargaining tries to make sense of the grief we still struggle to take in.Genesis 21:14-20Abraham got up early the next morning, prepared food and a container of water, and strapped them on Hagar’s shoulders. Then he sent her away with their son, and she wandered aimlessly in the wilderness of Beersheba. When the water was gone, she put the boy in the shade of a bush. Then she went and sat down by herself about a hundred yards away. “I don’t want to watch the boy die,” she said, as she burst into tears.1 Kings 19:3-4, 9-10Elijah was afraid and fled for his life. He went to Beersheba, a town in Judah, and he left his servant there. Then he went on alone into the wilderness, traveling all day. He sat down under a solitary broom tree and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors who have already died.” . . . But the Lord said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” Elijah replied, “I have zealously served the Lord God Almighty. But the people of Israel have broken their covenant with you, torn down your altars, and killed every one of your prophets. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me, too.”Job 1:18-20“Your sons and daughters were feasting in their oldest brother’s home. Suddenly, a powerful wind swept in from the wilderness and hit the house on all sides. The house collapsed, and all your children are dead. I am the only one who escaped to tell you.” Job stood up and tore his robe in grief.Job 3:1, 10-11At last Job spoke, and he cursed the day of his birth. . . . “Curse that day for failing to shut my mother’s womb, for letting me be born to see all this trouble. Why wasn’t I born dead? Why didn’t I die as I came from the womb?”The path of grief often crosses through the valley of depression. After Hagar bore Abraham a son, she assumed she had established herself firmly within the family, yet Sarah’s jealousy drove Hagar into the wilderness. There, Hagar and her son faced dehydration and starvation, and Hagar broke down in tears as Ishmael was on the verge of dying. Elijah prophesied faithfully, yet even after Elijah’s great victory against the prophets of Baal, Israel’s leadership still opposed God. With his life in danger, Elijah fled to the wilderness, more anxious and alone than ever before. Job was a righteous servant of God, loved and respected by all, yet God allowed him to lose everything—his wealth, his health, his family, even the respect of his friends. In his misery, Job wished he had never been born. Grief can make us feel powerless, hopeless, and weary—which can lead to a season of deep depression.Genesis 21:17-21God heard the boy [Ishmael] crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven, “Hagar, what’s wrong? Do not be afraid! God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. Go to him and comfort him, for I will make a great nation from his descendants.” Then God opened Hagar’s eyes, and she saw a well full of water. She quickly filled her water container and gave the boy a drink. And God was with the boy as he grew up in the wilderness. He became a skillful archer, and he settled in the wilderness of Paran. His mother arranged for him to marry a woman from the land of Egypt.2 Samuel 12:18-23On the seventh day the child died. David’s advisers were afraid to tell him. “He wouldn’t listen to reason while the child was ill,” they said. “What drastic thing will he do when we tell him the child is dead?” When David saw them whispering, he realized what had happened. “Is the child dead?” he asked. “Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.” Then David got up from the ground, washed himself, put on lotions, and changed his clothes. He went to the Tabernacle and worshiped the Lord. After that, he returned to the palace and was served food and ate. His advisers were amazed. “We don’t understand you,” they told him. “While the child was still living, you wept and refused to eat. But now that the child is dead, you have stopped your mourning and are eating again.” David replied, “I fasted and wept while the child was alive, for I said, ‘Perhaps the Lord will be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But why should I fast when he is dead? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him one day, but he cannot return to me.”Acceptance is a stage of grief where we fully acknowledge our loss and seek meaning from it. This doesn’t mean we are okay with the death, broken relationship, or loss we have experienced. Instead, acceptance recognizes that we can’t change or undo what happened, just as David recognized the reality of his son’s death. Yet acceptance doesn’t mean we have forgotten our loss. Instead, acceptance finds hope, meaning, and significance in the midst of grief. As Hagar mourned the loss of her old family, she set her eyes on building a new family from the ashes—raising her son, making a home in the wilderness of Paran, and eventually finding her son a wife.Lamentations 3:19-23, 48-51, 55-57, 62, 64The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. . . . Tears stream from my eyes because of the destruction of my people! My tears flow endlessly; they will not stop until the Lord looks down from heaven and sees. My heart is breaking. . . . But I called on your name, Lord, from deep within the pit. You heard me when I cried, “Listen to my pleading! Hear my cry for help!” Yes, you came when I called; you told me, “Do not fear.” . . . My enemies whisper and mutter as they plot against me all day long. . . . Pay them back, Lord, for all the evil they have done.Stages of grief are not linear or even stable. In Lamentations 3, Jeremiah goes between bitterness and depression to hope and acceptance multiple times. Then he even ends the chapter on a note of anger, asking for justice. We, too, may find ourselves bouncing back and forth between different grief responses as we navigate the grieving process.

Question 2

How does God respond to my grieving?

Accepted Answer

Psalm 10:17Lord, you know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will hear their cries and comfort them.Psalm 34:18The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.Psalm 119:76Now let your unfailing love comfort me, just as you promised me, your servant.Psalm 147:3He [the Lord] heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.Isaiah 51:12“I [the Lord], yes I, am the one who comforts you. So why are you afraid of mere humans, who wither like the grass and disappear?”Lamentations 3:32Though he [the Lord] brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love.Matthew 5:4“God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”Over and over, the Bible emphasizes God’s special compassion for those who grieve. He comforts the brokenhearted by his presence, his listening, his love, his healing, his encouragement, and his blessings.Isaiah 53:4It was our weaknesses he [the Messiah] carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down.Romans 6:6We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin.Hebrews 2:14Because God’s children are human beings—made of flesh and blood—the Son also became flesh and blood. For only as a human being could he die, and only by dying could he break the power of the devil, who had the power of death.God does not merely offer us sympathy from a distance. He doesn’t sit idly by while sin and death cause incredible grief and pain on earth. Instead, he came down among us and experienced the same griefs we do—the loss of loved ones, rejection and abandonment by close friends, public humiliation, and worse. And through his suffering, he bought us freedom from death, freedom from sin, and eternal life with himself.2 Peter 3:9The Lord isn’t really being slow about his promise, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent.Sometimes it feels as though Jesus is waiting too long to return, but even that is meant to spare us grief. God wants to offer every tribe, people, and nation a chance to know him and receive him—his delay is not out of inaction, but out of patience and love.Romans 12:15Mourn with those who mourn.1 Corinthians 12:27All of you together are Christ’s body, and each of you is a part of it.2 Corinthians 1:3-4All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.2 Corinthians 7:6God, who encourages those who are discouraged, encouraged us by the arrival of Titus.God works through the church, his hands and feet here on earth, to comfort us in our grieving.

Question 3

In what ways does God minister to me in my grief?

Accepted Answer

Psalm 10:14You [God] see the trouble and grief they cause. You take note of it and punish them. The helpless put their trust in you. You defend the orphans.Psalm 23:4Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you [the Lord] are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.Psalm 61:1-2O God, listen to my cry! Hear my prayer! From the ends of the earth, I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety.Grief is a long journey. Sometimes, that journey takes us into dark valleys with no end in sight. But even then, our God walks beside us, comforting us, protecting us, and leading us forward one step at a time.Psalm 34:18The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.Psalm 119:76Now let your unfailing love comfort me, just as you promised me, your servant.Psalm 147:3He [the Lord] heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.Matthew 5:4“God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”2 Corinthians 1:3All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort.God ministers to us through his comforting presence.Psalm 119:28, 50, 52, 92I weep with sorrow; encourage me by your word. . . . Your promise revives me; it comforts me in all my troubles. . . . I meditate on your age-old regulations; O Lord, they comfort me. . . . If your instructions hadn’t sustained me with joy, I would have died in my misery.Psalm 19:8The commandments of the Lord are right, bringing joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are clear, giving insight for living.God ministers to us through his Word.Romans 8:26-27The Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will.God ministers to us through his Spirit. When grief overwhelms us and we don’t even know what to pray, the Holy Spirit prays for us.2 Corinthians 7:6God, who encourages those who are discouraged, encouraged us by the arrival of Titus.God ministers to us through his gift of the people in our lives. When we need encouragement, God provides friends and counselors.Psalm 10:14You [God] see the trouble and grief they cause. You take note of it and punish them. The helpless put their trust in you. You defend the orphans.God is just and loving. He protects the weak and punishes those who bring them grief. God brings justice for the oppressed and the abused. He does not take the grief sin causes lightly.Isaiah 35:10Those who have been ransomed by the Lord will return. They will enter Jerusalem singing, crowned with everlasting joy. Sorrow and mourning will disappear, and they will be filled with joy and gladness.John 16:20“I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn over what is going to happen to me, but the world will rejoice. You will grieve, but your grief will suddenly turn to wonderful joy.”1 Thessalonians 4:13-14Now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died.Revelation 21:4“He [God] will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”Keeping an eternal perspective does not mean denying what we have lost. After all, Jesus himself grieved for John the Baptist’s death, grieved for Lazarus’s death, grieved in anticipation of his crucifixion, and knew that his disciples would grieve his own death. Knowing eternal life with the Father awaited him didn’t change that. Still, like Jesus taught his disciples, we can mourn with hope—a hope that Jesus’ story didn’t end with the grave, and neither will ours. That truth can comfort us through grief’s darkest nights.

Question 4

How can I navigate my grief in a healthy way?

Accepted Answer

Genesis 50:1Joseph threw himself on his father and wept over him and kissed him.2 Samuel 18:33The king was overcome with emotion. He went up to the room over the gateway and burst into tears. And as he went, he cried, “O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you! O Absalom, my son, my son.”Jeremiah 9:20Listen, you women, to the words of the Lord; open your ears to what he has to say. Teach your daughters to wail; teach one another how to lament.We need to give ourselves the permission and freedom to grieve. Honest expressions of grief, such as crying, are a necessary part of healing because they allow us to release the emotional pressure of our sorrow.Genesis 23:1-4When Sarah was 127 years old, she died at Kiriath-arba (now called Hebron) in the land of Canaan. There Abraham mourned and wept for her. Then, leaving her body, he said to the Hittite elders, “Here I am, a stranger and a foreigner among you. Please sell me a piece of land so I can give my wife a proper burial.”Participate in the process of grieving. We cannot get over grief; we cannot get around grief; we can only walk through grief. Take time to personally mourn and become involved in the necessary steps—for Abraham, a burial was the next step in the grieving process. We grieve because what we lost was important to us. Being emotionally involved in the process of grieving is a way of honoring what was meaningful.Lamentations 3:18-24I cry out, “My splendor is gone! Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!” The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!”Lamentations 3:31-33No one is abandoned by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.Lamentations 3:48-50Tears stream from my eyes because of the destruction of my people! My tears flow endlessly; they will not stop until the Lord looks down from heaven and sees.Lamentations 5:19-22But Lord, you remain the same forever! Your throne continues from generation to generation. Why do you continue to forget us? Why have you abandoned us for so long? Restore us, O Lord, and bring us back to you again! Give us back the joys we once had! Or have you utterly rejected us? Are you angry with us still?Jeremiah is known as the “weeping prophet,” and his book of Lamentations is entirely devoted to his grieving. Jeremiah was a faithful prophet, but his warnings to his people were rejected—sometimes violently. In time, the people’s rejection of God led to heavy consequences: the fall of Jerusalem to the Babylonians and exile for the people of Judah. Jeremiah had a great deal to grieve over: the apparent failure of his faithful ministry; the personal rejection he faced from his people; the war, destruction, and death that overcame Jerusalem; the poverty, homelessness, and suffering he and the rest of his people faced in exile; and the fear and pain of feeling abandoned by God. Jeremiah shared his grief freely in his lamentations, an honest cry of his hopes, fears, frustrations, and sorrows—and Scripture invites us to do the same.Psalm 22:1-2My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why are you so far away when I groan for help? Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night I lift my voice, but I find no relief.Psalm 22:9-11You brought me safely from my mother’s womb and led me to trust you at my mother’s breast. I was thrust into your arms at my birth. You have been my God from the moment I was born. Do not stay so far from me, for trouble is near, and no one else can help me.Psalm 22:23-24Praise the Lord, all you who fear him! Honor him, all you descendants of Jacob! Show him reverence, all you descendants of Israel! For he has not ignored or belittled the suffering of the needy. He has not turned his back on them, but has listened to their cries for help.Psalm 77:1-3I cry out to God; yes, I shout. Oh, that God would listen to me! When I was in deep trouble, I searched for the Lord. All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven, but my soul was not comforted. I think of God, and I moan, overwhelmed with longing for his help.The psalms are a powerful example of how to cry out to God in our grieving. While praying, we might believe that we are supposed to feel a certain way, and it can be tempting to put on a false front before God. But that’s not at all what Asaph, David, and the other psalm writers did. Instead, they bared their feelings, fears, and doubts before God, honestly admitting what they were going through. Only then, once they had let that out, did they steer their thoughts to God’s love, his power, and his promises. Take some time to read Psalm 22 and Psalm 77 in their entirety and meditate on the grief and hope in those words.Ecclesiastes 3:4A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.Isaiah 61:3To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory.The intensity of our grief has its season, and that season may last a long while. Grief itself may never truly stop. But our identity is more than what we have lost, however great that loss may be. At some point, God will call us to something new, a way to make meaning out of what we lost—beauty from our ashes. When that time comes, we will need to embrace that meaning or risk being stuck and unable to properly function.Ruth 1:11-13, 16Naomi replied, “Why should you go on with me? Can I still give birth to other sons who could grow up to be your husbands? No, my daughters, return to your parents’ homes, for I am too old to marry again. . . . Things are far more bitter for me than for you, because the Lord himself has raised his fist against me.” . . . But Ruth replied, “Don’t ask me to leave you and turn back. Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live.”Ruth 1:20-21“Don’t call me Naomi,” she responded. “Instead, call me Mara, for the Almighty has made life very bitter for me. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me home empty. Why call me Naomi when the Lord has caused me to suffer* and the Almighty has sent such tragedy upon me?”2 Corinthians 1:4He [God] comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.Unhealthy grief often devolves into self-pity and seeing ourselves as the only person who has truly suffered loss. It can also mean we have built our identity around what we have lost—making an idol of our grief. Naomi struggled with these pitfalls. In contrast, healthy grief intentionally engages in mourning and lament to help us heal. Rather than leaving us stuck in grief, healthy grieving leads us toward hope. Eventually, God will use our experience with grief to equip us to come alongside others who grieve, just as Ruth came alongside Naomi.Genesis 21:15-20When the water was gone, she put the boy in the shade of a bush. Then she went and sat down by herself about a hundred yards away. “I don’t want to watch the boy die,” she said, as she burst into tears. But God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven, “Hagar, what’s wrong? Do not be afraid! God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. Go to him and comfort him, for I will make a great nation from his descendants.” Then God opened Hagar’s eyes, and she saw a well full of water. She quickly filled her water container and gave the boy a drink. And God was with the boy as he grew up in the wilderness. He became a skillful archer.Isaiah 66:13“I [the Lord] will comfort you there in Jerusalem as a mother comforts her child.”John 16:33“I [Jesus] have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”2 Corinthians 1:3All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort.God knows we grieve, understands our sorrow, and comforts us. All people, even believers, face grief in this world. Jesus even warns that this world will bring us many trials and sorrows—after all, Jesus faced many trials and sorrows himself. However, Jesus also promises that grief is not the end and that he will walk beside us through every grief we face.1 Thessalonians 4:13-14Now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died.Revelation 21:4“He [God] will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”We can take hope that there will be no more grief in heaven.

Question 5

How can God use my grief for good?

Accepted Answer

Psalm 51:17The sacrifice you [God] desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.Joel 2:13“Don’t tear your clothing in your grief, but tear your hearts instead.” Return to the Lord your God, for he is merciful and compassionate, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. He is eager to relent and not punish.2 Corinthians 7:9-10Now I [Paul] am glad I sent it [a harsh letter], not because it hurt you, but because the pain caused you to repent and change your ways. It was the kind of sorrow God wants his people to have, so you were not harmed by us in any way. For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death.James 4:9-10Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.Sometimes, we feel grief over a sin we have committed. It is wise to grieve and repent, but we should never despair. Grief is not the end. It is the path to a new beginning. Healthy grief can lead to confession, repentance, and a restored relationship with God. Some of Scripture’s greatest heroes—such as Moses, David, and Peter—committed heavy sins. Moses performed a miracle with pride and anger and was barred from entering the Promised Land. David committed adultery and murder, which led to deep consequences for his family. Peter denied and abandoned Jesus during his Lord’s darkest hour, and that regret doubtless followed him the rest of his life. Yet each of these heroes repented wholeheartedly, and God not only embraced their repentance—he used their lives in powerful ways. And God longs to do the same for us.John 9:1-3As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been blind from birth. “Rabbi,” his disciples asked him, “why was this man born blind? Was it because of his own sins or his parents’ sins?” “It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him.”The reasons we must suffer grief are not always easy to understand. The disciples assumed sin was the cause for a man’s blindness, but Jesus knew something else was at play. In the end, God used this man’s greatest grief—his lack of sight—to prepare him for a life of joy and purpose.Deuteronomy 33:27“The eternal God is your refuge, and his everlasting arms are under you.”Psalm 23:1-4The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.Lamentations 3:18-25I cry out, “My splendor is gone! Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!” The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him.Grief is a long and difficult journey that often passes through the darkest of valleys. But it is when the path is the most treacherous that the Good Shepherd has the greatest opportunity to show his faithfulness. When you turn to God in your grief and let his arms hold you up in your darkest times, your faith will find a depth you never knew before.2 Corinthians 1:4-6He [God] comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer.Our grief can give us the ability to better comfort others. Grief is a teacher that helps us learn compassion for others who are grieving.

Question 6

Does God grieve?

Accepted Answer

Psalm 78:40Oh, how often they [God’s people] rebelled against him in the wilderness and grieved his heart in that dry wasteland.Luke 13:33“O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God’s messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn’t let me.”Many parents have grieved when a child rebelled, and our heavenly Father certainly feels this grief deeply.Genesis 6:5-6The Lord observed the extent of human wickedness on the earth, and he saw that everything they thought or imagined was consistently and totally evil. So the Lord was sorry he had ever made them and put them on the earth. It broke his heart.Ezekiel 34:2-4“Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds, the leaders of Israel. Give them this message from the Sovereign Lord: What sorrow awaits you shepherds who feed yourselves instead of your flocks. Shouldn’t shepherds feed their sheep? You drink the milk, wear the wool, and butcher the best animals, but you let your flocks starve. You have not taken care of the weak. You have not tended the sick or bound up the injured. You have not gone looking for those who have wandered away and are lost. Instead, you have ruled them with harshness and cruelty.”Mark 3:3-5Jesus said to the man with the deformed hand, “Come and stand in front of everyone.” Then he turned to his critics and asked, “Does the law permit good deeds on the Sabbath, or is it a day for doing evil? Is this a day to save life or to destroy it?” But they wouldn’t answer him. He looked around at them angrily and was deeply saddened by their hard hearts.God feels grief and anger over the evil caused by human sin—and particularly toward false shepherds who abuse his flock.Matthew 14:12-13Later, John’s disciples came for his body and buried it. Then they went and told Jesus what had happened. As soon as Jesus heard the news, he left in a boat to a remote area to be alone.When John the Baptist died, Jesus needed time alone to process his grief.John 11:23-27, 32-36Jesus told her [Martha], “Your brother will rise again.” “Yes,” Martha said, “he will rise when everyone else rises, at the last day.” Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying. Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never ever die. Do you believe this, Martha?” “Yes, Lord,” she told him. . . . When Mary arrived and saw Jesus, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled up within him, and he was deeply troubled. “Where have you put him?” he asked them. They told him, “Lord, come and see.” Then Jesus wept. The people who were standing nearby said, “See how much he loved him!”Mary and Martha knew their theology—they knew their brother would live eternally and be given a new body someday. That didn’t prevent the pain and grief they felt when Lazarus died. Clearly, Jesus understood that Lazarus would live eternally—and Jesus even knew that, within the hour, he would raise Lazarus from the dead. Yet Jesus also grieved. It wasn’t out of mere politeness; Jesus was angry, deeply troubled, and moved to tears. He fully experienced the wrongness of death and the pain it caused, and his grief was so evident that people cried, “See how much he loved him!” (John 11:36).Isaiah 53:5He [the Messiah] was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed.Matthew 26:36-39Then Jesus went with them to the olive grove called Gethsemane, and he said, “Sit here while I go over there to pray.” He took Peter and Zebedee’s two sons, James and John, and he became anguished and distressed. He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”John 19:1-3Then Pilate had Jesus flogged with a lead-tipped whip. The soldiers wove a crown of thorns and put it on his head, and they put a purple robe on him. “Hail! King of the Jews!” they mocked, as they slapped him across the face.John 19:16-18So they took Jesus away. Carrying the cross by himself, he went to the place called Place of the Skull (in Hebrew, Golgotha). There they nailed him to the cross.For some of us, anticipation of loss begins the grieving cycle. Jesus knew his death was coming—and he knew the pain he and his loved ones would go through because of it. As he prayed for strength to face that suffering, his soul was “crushed with grief to the point of death” (Matthew 26:38). He even sought out his friends to comfort him in his grief. Jesus is perfect and sinless—God with us. Yet grief was just as heavy of a burden for him as it is for you or me. Our God is not above our grief.Isaiah 53:3He [the Messiah] was despised and rejected—a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.Matthew 26:23He [Jesus] replied, “One of you [Judas] who has just eaten from this bowl with me will betray me.”Luke 22:48Jesus said, “Judas, would you betray the Son of Man with a kiss?”Mark 14:27, 29-30On the way, Jesus told them, “All of you will desert me. . . .” Peter said to him, “Even if everyone else deserts you, I never will.” Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, Peter—this very night, before the rooster crows twice, you will deny three times that you even know me.”Luke 22:56-57, 60-61“This man was one of Jesus’ followers!” But Peter denied it. “Woman,” he said, “I don’t even know him!” . . . And immediately, while he was still speaking, the rooster crowed. At that moment the Lord turned and looked at Peter.Mark 14:50Then all his [Jesus’] disciples deserted him and ran away.Isaiah 53 gives the most famous prophecy about Jesus, and one of Isaiah’s central points is that our Savior would experience rejection and grief. We often think of the physical pain Jesus experienced before his death, but take a moment to consider the betrayal and abandonment Jesus faced in his darkest hour. His closest friends and most devoted followers—people he had spent years teaching, traveling with, eating with, and laughing with—abandoned him to save their own skins. Death isn’t the only way to experience grief in our relationships, and our Savior knows this better than anyone.

Question 7

How did Jesus handle grief?

Accepted Answer

Isaiah 53:3-4, 10He [the Messiah] was despised and rejected—a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care. Yet it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down. And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God, a punishment for his own sins! . . . But it was the Lord’s good plan to crush him and cause him grief. Yet when his life is made an offering for sin, he will have many descendants. He will enjoy a long life, and the Lord’s good plan will prosper in his hands.Matthew 14:13-14As soon as Jesus heard the news [of John’s death], he left in a boat to a remote area to be alone. But the crowds heard where he was headed and followed on foot from many towns. Jesus saw the huge crowd as he stepped from the boat, and he had compassion on them and healed their sick.Luke 19:41-44As he [Jesus] came closer to Jerusalem and saw the city ahead, he began to weep. “How I wish today that you of all people would understand the way to peace. But now it is too late, and peace is hidden from your eyes. Before long your enemies will build ramparts against your walls and encircle you and close in on you from every side. They will crush you into the ground, and your children with you. Your enemies will not leave a single stone in place, because you did not recognize it when God visited you.”John 11:35-36Then Jesus wept. The people who were standing nearby said, “See how much he loved him!”Mark 14:34He [Jesus] told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”Jesus expressed his emotions honestly. At times, Jesus needed to be alone with his grief (such as when his cousin John the Baptist died). At other times, he sought others to share in his grief (such as before his arrest and crucifixion). Jesus wept openly over the death of a friend (Lazarus) and over a national disaster (the upcoming destruction of Jerusalem). While Jesus experienced the full range of human emotions, he chose to trust his heavenly Father, even when the path his Father gave him required facing the deepest grief. To Jesus, showing his love was worth the pain and loss that came with it.Isaiah 61:3To all who mourn in Israel, he [the Lord] will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair.Matthew 16:21-22From then on Jesus began to tell his disciples plainly that it was necessary for him to go to Jerusalem, and that he would suffer many terrible things at the hands of the elders, the leading priests, and the teachers of religious law. He would be killed, but on the third day he would be raised from the dead. But Peter took him aside and began to reprimand him for saying such things. “Heaven forbid, Lord,” he said. “This will never happen to you!”John 16:20-22“I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn over what is going to happen to me, but the world will rejoice. You will grieve, but your grief will suddenly turn to wonderful joy. It will be like a woman suffering the pains of labor. When her child is born, her anguish gives way to joy because she has brought a new baby into the world. So you have sorrow now, but I will see you again; then you will rejoice, and no one can rob you of that joy.”Luke 22:42-44“Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.” . . . He [Jesus] prayed more fervently, and he was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood.1 Peter 2:21God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps.We serve a God who made something beautiful from something as ugly and evil as death on the cross. Peter and the other disciples saw no hope in the cross until after Jesus rose from the dead. Jesus himself was in mental agony as he prepared to face the cross. Yet he did face that cross, and because he experienced that grief, we will all know a joy like none other. Though we may see only the ashes of grief right now, one day we will exchange those ashes for an eternal crown.1 Corinthians 13:1-3, 13If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. . . . Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.Revelation 21:4“He [God] will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”Grief comes from love. If we could live a life without grief in this broken world, our life would be empty and meaningless, because it would be a life without love. So we suffer grief in this life, yet we have God’s promise that one day, grief will end—and only love will remain.

Question 8

How can I help others who are grieving?

Accepted Answer

Psalm 69:20Their insults have broken my heart, and I am in despair. If only one person would show some pity; if only one would turn and comfort me.Proverbs 25:20Singing cheerful songs to a person with a heavy heart is like taking someone’s coat in cold weather or pouring vinegar in a wound.Romans 12:15Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.We should offer our attention, sympathy, and comfort to the grieving. Pretending that the pain is not there is like rubbing salt in a wound. It is difficult to be with someone who is grieving, but we don’t need to come up with the right words to make it all go away. We cannot. Our concern and silent presence will help a grieving person more than words.Job 30:16“And now my life seeps away. Depression haunts my days.”Proverbs 15:13A glad heart makes a happy face; a broken heart crushes the spirit.Proverbs 17:22A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.Be aware of the toll that being brokenhearted takes on a person’s spirit, mind, and body. Awareness leads to sympathy, sympathy leads to comforting the wounded, and that comfort leads to healing.Romans 12:15Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.Sensitivity to the feelings of others is needed. We can feel others’ sorrow as surely as we can feel their joy. Being too cheery when others are grieving will only make them feel worse. On the other hand, honoring someone’s sadness with sadness of our own can be helpful.2 Corinthians 1:4He [God] comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.When comforting someone in grief, reflect on how you have experienced grief in the past. Everyone’s grief is unique, and different people find comfort in different ways, but our own grief can provide a starting place for empathy. What brought you comfort? How did God work in your life during that time? How can you bring that same comfort into this person’s life?1 Peter 5:12I have written and sent this short letter to you with the help of Silas, whom I commend to you as a faithful brother. My purpose in writing is to encourage you and assure you that what you are experiencing is truly part of God’s grace for you. Stand firm in this grace.Encourage the brokenhearted. Words of comfort can lift a hurting person.Job 16:2“I have heard all this before. What miserable comforters you are!”Job 21:34“How can your empty clichés comfort me? All your explanations are lies!”Be careful about the words you use with those who are grieving. Explanations and clichés are rarely comforting.Job 2:13They sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights. No one said a word to Job, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words.Ecclesiastes 4:12A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.Our suffering friends urgently need our love, sympathy, and the power of our quiet presence. Sometimes the best comfort we can give is simply to be there.Job 42:11Then all his [Job’s] brothers, sisters, and former friends came and feasted with him in his home. And they consoled him and comforted him because of all the trials the Lord had brought against him. And each of them brought him a gift of money and a gold ring.Psalm 68:6God places the lonely in families; he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy. But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.Mark 16:10She [Mary of Magdalene] went to the disciples, who were grieving and weeping, and told them what had happened.As family and friends, we have been ideally placed by God to support someone who is suffering in grief. If we are wise, we can be a safe haven from a wounding world for our grieving loved ones.

Question 9

How can I find hope in my grief?

Accepted Answer

Psalm 31:9Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress. Tears blur my eyes. My body and soul are withering away.Psalm 116:1-5I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath! Death wrapped its ropes around me; the terrors of the grave overtook me. I saw only trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord: “Please, Lord, save me!” How kind the Lord is! How good he is! So merciful, this God of ours!Lamentations 3:19-24The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!”We can be honest with God in our grieving. Hope is not about pretending our pain doesn’t exist—it’s about trusting our loving Father to heal and care for us.Jeremiah 31:12-13“They [God’s people] will come home and sing songs of joy on the heights of Jerusalem. They will be radiant because of the Lord’s good gifts—the abundant crops of grain, new wine, and olive oil, and the healthy flocks and herds. Their life will be like a watered garden, and all their sorrows will be gone. The young women will dance for joy, and the men—old and young—will join in the celebration. I will turn their mourning into joy. I will comfort them and exchange their sorrow for rejoicing.”Lamentations 3:32-33Though he [the Lord] brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.John 16:20-22“I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn over what is going to happen to me, but the world will rejoice. You will grieve, but your grief will suddenly turn to wonderful joy. It will be like a woman suffering the pains of labor. When her child is born, her anguish gives way to joy because she has brought a new baby into the world. So you have sorrow now, but I will see you again; then you will rejoice, and no one can rob you of that joy.”Romans 8:17If we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering.1 Peter 1:6So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while.God answers our grief with his kindness, goodness, compassion, unfailing love, and mercy. Jesus went through betrayal, loss, suffering, and death, before rising in glorious joy. Jesus’ example offers us the gift of hope. Our struggles are worth it. They have meaning. And one day, we too will be raised to a new and glorious life.

Question 10

When does my grief become unhealthy?

Accepted Answer

2 Samuel 19:1-7Word soon reached Joab that the king was weeping and mourning for Absalom. As all the people heard of the king’s deep grief for his son, the joy of that day’s victory was turned into deep sadness. They crept back into the town that day as though they were ashamed and had deserted in battle. The king covered his face with his hands and kept on crying, “O my son Absalom! O Absalom, my son, my son!” Then Joab went to the king’s room and said to him, “We saved your life today and the lives of your sons, your daughters, and your wives and concubines. Yet you act like this, making us feel ashamed of ourselves. You seem to love those who hate you and hate those who love you. You have made it clear today that your commanders and troops mean nothing to you. It seems that if Absalom had lived and all of us had died, you would be pleased. Now go out there and congratulate your troops, for I swear by the Lord that if you don’t go out, not a single one of them will remain here tonight. Then you will be worse off than ever before.”When we grieve, it can be natural to take a step back from others to sort through our emotions alone. Jesus himself did this when John the Baptist died (Matthew 4:13). But unhealthy grief can take this desire for quiet reflection and twist it into self-isolation. If we aren’t careful, such grief can become all consuming, filling us with self-pity, clouding our perceptions, and causing us to neglect relationships with people who can help us on our grief journey.Job 17:7“My eyes are swollen with weeping, and I am but a shadow of my former self.”Psalm 6:7My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies.Psalm 31:9-10Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress. Tears blur my eyes. My body and soul are withering away. I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Sin has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within.Luke 22:45At last he [Jesus] stood up again and returned to the disciples, only to find them asleep, exhausted from grief.Prolonged grief affects our bodies and can lead to exhaustion, weariness, and depression.Ruth 1:11-13Naomi replied, “Why should you go on with me? Can I still give birth to other sons who could grow up to be your husbands? No, my daughters, return to your parents’ homes, for I am too old to marry again. . . . Things are far more bitter for me than for you, because the Lord himself has raised his fist against me.”Ruth 1:20-21“Don’t call me Naomi,” she responded. “Instead, call me Mara, for the Almighty has made life very bitter for me. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me home empty. Why call me Naomi when the Lord has caused me to suffer and the Almighty has sent such tragedy upon me?”Naomi grieved heavily over the deaths of her husband and two sons, and she saw no hope for her future. She went so far as to reject her name “Naomi,” which means “pleasantness” and “beauty,” and instead called herself “Mara,” which means “bitter.” Had it not been for Ruth’s hope and God’s faithfulness, Naomi’s life may have indeed ended bitterly. When we make grief our identity and our idol, we risk blinding ourselves to the blessings God can still work in our lives (Ruth 4:14-17).