In what ways do we grieve?

Matthew 26:38-39He [Jesus] told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”

Sometimes grief is anticipatory. Jesus had not yet experienced the emotional and physical pain of betrayal, abandonment, and crucifixion. But he knew what was coming—and his soul was crushed by the heaviness of it.

Lamentations 4:20Our king—the Lord’s anointed, the very life of our nation—was caught in their snares. We had thought that his shadow would protect us against any nation on earth!

Matthew 16:21-22From then on Jesus began to tell his disciples plainly that it was necessary for him to go to Jerusalem, and that he would suffer many terrible things at the hands of the elders, the leading priests, and the teachers of religious law. He would be killed, but on the third day he would be raised from the dead. But Peter took him aside and began to reprimand him for saying such things. “Heaven forbid, Lord,” he said. “This will never happen to you!”

Shock, disbelief, and denial are common responses to grief. Sometimes, such emotions come afterward, such as the shock and disbelief the people of Judah experienced after God’s anointed king fell to the Babylonians. Other times, this reaction comes in anticipatory grief, such as when Peter denied that Jesus would die.

Mark 3:3-5Jesus said to the man with the deformed hand, “Come and stand in front of everyone.” Then he turned to his critics and asked, “Does the law permit good deeds on the Sabbath, or is it a day for doing evil? Is this a day to save life or to destroy it?” But they wouldn’t answer him. He looked around at them angrily and was deeply saddened by their hard hearts.

John 11:33When Jesus saw her [Mary, Lazarus’s sister] weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled up within him, and he was deeply troubled.

Grief can very naturally lead to anger, and such anger is not necessarily sin. Jesus lived a sinless life, yet Jesus was grieved and angered by the heartlessness of the leaders who claimed to guide God’s flock and cared nothing for the sheep. When Jesus lost a friend, Lazarus, and saw the pain Lazarus’s friends and family were going through, his grief expressed itself in anger—not at those around him, but at the pain and wrongness of death itself. While we should be cautious about letting anger control us (Ephesians 4:26-27), anger at what is wrong and evil in this world is natural, and expressing our anger can be a healthy part of the grieving process.

2 Samuel 12:16-17David begged God to spare the child. He went without food and lay all night on the bare ground. The elders of his household pleaded with him to get up and eat with them, but he refused.

John 11:32When Mary arrived and saw Jesus, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

Often we bargain as we grieve. Such bargaining may be a literal attempt to bargain with God to avoid a grief, such as David fasting and praying for his sickly son. Other times, like Lazarus’s sister Mary, we ask ourselves what could have been done differently in the past to prevent a grief. Perhaps Mary blamed herself or even Jesus for Lazarus’s death: If only the messenger had been sent sooner! If only my message had been more urgent and persuasive! If only Jesus had left sooner! Such bargaining tries to make sense of the grief we still struggle to take in.

Genesis 21:14-20Abraham got up early the next morning, prepared food and a container of water, and strapped them on Hagar’s shoulders. Then he sent her away with their son, and she wandered aimlessly in the wilderness of Beersheba. When the water was gone, she put the boy in the shade of a bush. Then she went and sat down by herself about a hundred yards away. “I don’t want to watch the boy die,” she said, as she burst into tears.

1 Kings 19:3-4, 9-10Elijah was afraid and fled for his life. He went to Beersheba, a town in Judah, and he left his servant there. Then he went on alone into the wilderness, traveling all day. He sat down under a solitary broom tree and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors who have already died.” . . . But the Lord said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” Elijah replied, “I have zealously served the Lord God Almighty. But the people of Israel have broken their covenant with you, torn down your altars, and killed every one of your prophets. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me, too.”

Job 1:18-20“Your sons and daughters were feasting in their oldest brother’s home. Suddenly, a powerful wind swept in from the wilderness and hit the house on all sides. The house collapsed, and all your children are dead. I am the only one who escaped to tell you.” Job stood up and tore his robe in grief.

Job 3:1, 10-11At last Job spoke, and he cursed the day of his birth. . . . “Curse that day for failing to shut my mother’s womb, for letting me be born to see all this trouble. Why wasn’t I born dead? Why didn’t I die as I came from the womb?”

The path of grief often crosses through the valley of depression. After Hagar bore Abraham a son, she assumed she had established herself firmly within the family, yet Sarah’s jealousy drove Hagar into the wilderness. There, Hagar and her son faced dehydration and starvation, and Hagar broke down in tears as Ishmael was on the verge of dying. Elijah prophesied faithfully, yet even after Elijah’s great victory against the prophets of Baal, Israel’s leadership still opposed God. With his life in danger, Elijah fled to the wilderness, more anxious and alone than ever before. Job was a righteous servant of God, loved and respected by all, yet God allowed him to lose everything—his wealth, his health, his family, even the respect of his friends. In his misery, Job wished he had never been born. Grief can make us feel powerless, hopeless, and weary—which can lead to a season of deep depression.

Genesis 21:17-21God heard the boy [Ishmael] crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven, “Hagar, what’s wrong? Do not be afraid! God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. Go to him and comfort him, for I will make a great nation from his descendants.” Then God opened Hagar’s eyes, and she saw a well full of water. She quickly filled her water container and gave the boy a drink. And God was with the boy as he grew up in the wilderness. He became a skillful archer, and he settled in the wilderness of Paran. His mother arranged for him to marry a woman from the land of Egypt.

2 Samuel 12:18-23On the seventh day the child died. David’s advisers were afraid to tell him. “He wouldn’t listen to reason while the child was ill,” they said. “What drastic thing will he do when we tell him the child is dead?” When David saw them whispering, he realized what had happened. “Is the child dead?” he asked. “Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.” Then David got up from the ground, washed himself, put on lotions, and changed his clothes. He went to the Tabernacle and worshiped the Lord. After that, he returned to the palace and was served food and ate. His advisers were amazed. “We don’t understand you,” they told him. “While the child was still living, you wept and refused to eat. But now that the child is dead, you have stopped your mourning and are eating again.” David replied, “I fasted and wept while the child was alive, for I said, ‘Perhaps the Lord will be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But why should I fast when he is dead? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him one day, but he cannot return to me.”

Acceptance is a stage of grief where we fully acknowledge our loss and seek meaning from it. This doesn’t mean we are okay with the death, broken relationship, or loss we have experienced. Instead, acceptance recognizes that we can’t change or undo what happened, just as David recognized the reality of his son’s death. Yet acceptance doesn’t mean we have forgotten our loss. Instead, acceptance finds hope, meaning, and significance in the midst of grief. As Hagar mourned the loss of her old family, she set her eyes on building a new family from the ashes—raising her son, making a home in the wilderness of Paran, and eventually finding her son a wife.

Lamentations 3:19-23, 48-51, 55-57, 62, 64The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. . . . Tears stream from my eyes because of the destruction of my people! My tears flow endlessly; they will not stop until the Lord looks down from heaven and sees. My heart is breaking. . . . But I called on your name, Lord, from deep within the pit. You heard me when I cried, “Listen to my pleading! Hear my cry for help!” Yes, you came when I called; you told me, “Do not fear.” . . . My enemies whisper and mutter as they plot against me all day long. . . . Pay them back, Lord, for all the evil they have done.

Stages of grief are not linear or even stable. In Lamentations 3, Jeremiah goes between bitterness and depression to hope and acceptance multiple times. Then he even ends the chapter on a note of anger, asking for justice. We, too, may find ourselves bouncing back and forth between different grief responses as we navigate the grieving process.