How can I navigate my grief in a healthy way?

Genesis 50:1Joseph threw himself on his father and wept over him and kissed him.

2 Samuel 18:33The king was overcome with emotion. He went up to the room over the gateway and burst into tears. And as he went, he cried, “O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you! O Absalom, my son, my son.”

Jeremiah 9:20Listen, you women, to the words of the Lord; open your ears to what he has to say. Teach your daughters to wail; teach one another how to lament.

We need to give ourselves the permission and freedom to grieve. Honest expressions of grief, such as crying, are a necessary part of healing because they allow us to release the emotional pressure of our sorrow.

Genesis 23:1-4When Sarah was 127 years old, she died at Kiriath-arba (now called Hebron) in the land of Canaan. There Abraham mourned and wept for her. Then, leaving her body, he said to the Hittite elders, “Here I am, a stranger and a foreigner among you. Please sell me a piece of land so I can give my wife a proper burial.”

Participate in the process of grieving. We cannot get over grief; we cannot get around grief; we can only walk through grief. Take time to personally mourn and become involved in the necessary steps—for Abraham, a burial was the next step in the grieving process. We grieve because what we lost was important to us. Being emotionally involved in the process of grieving is a way of honoring what was meaningful.

Lamentations 3:18-24I cry out, “My splendor is gone! Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!” The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!”

Lamentations 3:31-33No one is abandoned by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.

Lamentations 3:48-50Tears stream from my eyes because of the destruction of my people! My tears flow endlessly; they will not stop until the Lord looks down from heaven and sees.

Lamentations 5:19-22But Lord, you remain the same forever! Your throne continues from generation to generation. Why do you continue to forget us? Why have you abandoned us for so long? Restore us, O Lord, and bring us back to you again! Give us back the joys we once had! Or have you utterly rejected us? Are you angry with us still?

Jeremiah is known as the “weeping prophet,” and his book of Lamentations is entirely devoted to his grieving. Jeremiah was a faithful prophet, but his warnings to his people were rejected—sometimes violently. In time, the people’s rejection of God led to heavy consequences: the fall of Jerusalem to the Babylonians and exile for the people of Judah. Jeremiah had a great deal to grieve over: the apparent failure of his faithful ministry; the personal rejection he faced from his people; the war, destruction, and death that overcame Jerusalem; the poverty, homelessness, and suffering he and the rest of his people faced in exile; and the fear and pain of feeling abandoned by God. Jeremiah shared his grief freely in his lamentations, an honest cry of his hopes, fears, frustrations, and sorrows—and Scripture invites us to do the same.

Psalm 22:1-2My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why are you so far away when I groan for help? Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night I lift my voice, but I find no relief.

Psalm 22:9-11You brought me safely from my mother’s womb and led me to trust you at my mother’s breast. I was thrust into your arms at my birth. You have been my God from the moment I was born. Do not stay so far from me, for trouble is near, and no one else can help me.

Psalm 22:23-24Praise the Lord, all you who fear him! Honor him, all you descendants of Jacob! Show him reverence, all you descendants of Israel! For he has not ignored or belittled the suffering of the needy. He has not turned his back on them, but has listened to their cries for help.

Psalm 77:1-3I cry out to God; yes, I shout. Oh, that God would listen to me! When I was in deep trouble, I searched for the Lord. All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven, but my soul was not comforted. I think of God, and I moan, overwhelmed with longing for his help.

The psalms are a powerful example of how to cry out to God in our grieving. While praying, we might believe that we are supposed to feel a certain way, and it can be tempting to put on a false front before God. But that’s not at all what Asaph, David, and the other psalm writers did. Instead, they bared their feelings, fears, and doubts before God, honestly admitting what they were going through. Only then, once they had let that out, did they steer their thoughts to God’s love, his power, and his promises. Take some time to read Psalm 22 and Psalm 77 in their entirety and meditate on the grief and hope in those words.

Ecclesiastes 3:4A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.

Isaiah 61:3To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

The intensity of our grief has its season, and that season may last a long while. Grief itself may never truly stop. But our identity is more than what we have lost, however great that loss may be. At some point, God will call us to something new, a way to make meaning out of what we lost—beauty from our ashes. When that time comes, we will need to embrace that meaning or risk being stuck and unable to properly function.

Ruth 1:11-13, 16Naomi replied, “Why should you go on with me? Can I still give birth to other sons who could grow up to be your husbands? No, my daughters, return to your parents’ homes, for I am too old to marry again. . . . Things are far more bitter for me than for you, because the Lord himself has raised his fist against me.” . . . But Ruth replied, “Don’t ask me to leave you and turn back. Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live.”

Ruth 1:20-21“Don’t call me Naomi,” she responded. “Instead, call me Mara, for the Almighty has made life very bitter for me. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me home empty. Why call me Naomi when the Lord has caused me to suffer* and the Almighty has sent such tragedy upon me?”

2 Corinthians 1:4He [God] comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

Unhealthy grief often devolves into self-pity and seeing ourselves as the only person who has truly suffered loss. It can also mean we have built our identity around what we have lost—making an idol of our grief. Naomi struggled with these pitfalls. In contrast, healthy grief intentionally engages in mourning and lament to help us heal. Rather than leaving us stuck in grief, healthy grieving leads us toward hope. Eventually, God will use our experience with grief to equip us to come alongside others who grieve, just as Ruth came alongside Naomi.

Genesis 21:15-20When the water was gone, she put the boy in the shade of a bush. Then she went and sat down by herself about a hundred yards away. “I don’t want to watch the boy die,” she said, as she burst into tears. But God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven, “Hagar, what’s wrong? Do not be afraid! God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. Go to him and comfort him, for I will make a great nation from his descendants.” Then God opened Hagar’s eyes, and she saw a well full of water. She quickly filled her water container and gave the boy a drink. And God was with the boy as he grew up in the wilderness. He became a skillful archer.

Isaiah 66:13“I [the Lord] will comfort you there in Jerusalem as a mother comforts her child.”

John 16:33“I [Jesus] have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

2 Corinthians 1:3All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort.

God knows we grieve, understands our sorrow, and comforts us. All people, even believers, face grief in this world. Jesus even warns that this world will bring us many trials and sorrows—after all, Jesus faced many trials and sorrows himself. However, Jesus also promises that grief is not the end and that he will walk beside us through every grief we face.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-14Now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died.

Revelation 21:4“He [God] will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

We can take hope that there will be no more grief in heaven.