When does my grief become unhealthy?

2 Samuel 19:1-7Word soon reached Joab that the king was weeping and mourning for Absalom. As all the people heard of the king’s deep grief for his son, the joy of that day’s victory was turned into deep sadness. They crept back into the town that day as though they were ashamed and had deserted in battle. The king covered his face with his hands and kept on crying, “O my son Absalom! O Absalom, my son, my son!” Then Joab went to the king’s room and said to him, “We saved your life today and the lives of your sons, your daughters, and your wives and concubines. Yet you act like this, making us feel ashamed of ourselves. You seem to love those who hate you and hate those who love you. You have made it clear today that your commanders and troops mean nothing to you. It seems that if Absalom had lived and all of us had died, you would be pleased. Now go out there and congratulate your troops, for I swear by the Lord that if you don’t go out, not a single one of them will remain here tonight. Then you will be worse off than ever before.”

When we grieve, it can be natural to take a step back from others to sort through our emotions alone. Jesus himself did this when John the Baptist died (Matthew 4:13). But unhealthy grief can take this desire for quiet reflection and twist it into self-isolation. If we aren’t careful, such grief can become all consuming, filling us with self-pity, clouding our perceptions, and causing us to neglect relationships with people who can help us on our grief journey.

Job 17:7“My eyes are swollen with weeping, and I am but a shadow of my former self.”

Psalm 6:7My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies.

Psalm 31:9-10Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress. Tears blur my eyes. My body and soul are withering away. I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Sin has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within.

Luke 22:45At last he [Jesus] stood up again and returned to the disciples, only to find them asleep, exhausted from grief.

Prolonged grief affects our bodies and can lead to exhaustion, weariness, and depression.

Ruth 1:11-13Naomi replied, “Why should you go on with me? Can I still give birth to other sons who could grow up to be your husbands? No, my daughters, return to your parents’ homes, for I am too old to marry again. . . . Things are far more bitter for me than for you, because the Lord himself has raised his fist against me.”

Ruth 1:20-21“Don’t call me Naomi,” she responded. “Instead, call me Mara, for the Almighty has made life very bitter for me. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me home empty. Why call me Naomi when the Lord has caused me to suffer and the Almighty has sent such tragedy upon me?”

Naomi grieved heavily over the deaths of her husband and two sons, and she saw no hope for her future. She went so far as to reject her name “Naomi,” which means “pleasantness” and “beauty,” and instead called herself “Mara,” which means “bitter.” Had it not been for Ruth’s hope and God’s faithfulness, Naomi’s life may have indeed ended bitterly. When we make grief our identity and our idol, we risk blinding ourselves to the blessings God can still work in our lives (Ruth 4:14-17).