Question 1

Where did the concept of marriage come from?

Accepted Answer

Genesis 2:18, 24Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” . . . This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.Marriage has been God’s idea from the beginning of creation. He created the first man and woman as distinct individuals with different qualities. At the same time, he created a special relationship between them allowing the two can become one. The act of physical intimacy, shared exclusively and uniquely between a husband and wife, is the model for the unity that should be experienced in all aspects of the marriage relationship. Among Christians, the marriage relationship is also a picture of the intense spiritual intimacy that should exist between a person and God. Just as he is our only God; our spouse is our only mate. Just as we love God more than anyone or anything, we love our spouse more than any other person. Just as we are able to be completely vulnerable and intimate in our relationship with God; we are to share intimacy and vulnerability with our mate in a way that should not be shared with any other person. Because marriage is meant to be a clear picture of our relationship with God, he designed the marriage relationship to be exclusive and permanent, just as our relationship with him is exclusive and permanent.

Question 2

What does the Bible say about divorce?

Accepted Answer

Malachi 2:14-16You cry out, “Why doesn’t the Lord accept my worship?” I’ll tell you why! Because the Lord witnessed the vows you and your wife made when you were young. But you have been unfaithful to her, though she remained your faithful partner, the wife of your marriage vows. Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. “For I hate divorce!” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.”God sees divorce as wrong because it is breaking a binding commitment you made in his presence. God was a witness at your wedding. Divorce tears apart a relationship between a man and a woman whom God has bound together into one seamless whole. Divorce occurs when one or both partners make a conscious decision to break this sacred union.Matthew 19:3-9Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife for just any reason?” “Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” “Then why did Moses say in the law that a man could give his wife a written notice of divorce and send her away?” they asked. Jesus replied, “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended. And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful.”1 Corinthians 7:15If the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the believing husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.Scriptures in both the Old Testament (Deuteronomy 24:1-4; Malachi 2:14-16) and New Testament (Matthew 5:31-32; 1 Corinthians 7) acknowledge the reality of divorce. Even among believers, divorce sometimes happens despite our best efforts and intentions, just like other sins. Divorce stems from sin—abuse, adultery, abandonment, etc.—and there comes a point where that sin is so contrary to the vows of marriage that divorce is the necessary solution. Where believers draw that line is a subject of debate. Scripture tells us to be loving, faithful, and respectful to our spouse, even to an unbelieving spouse (1 Peter 3:1; 1 Corinthians 7:12-16). Yet if that spouse abandons us or is unfaithful, Scripture makes it clear that we need not be bound to that spouse (Matthew 19:9; 1 Corinthians 7:15). There are many situations in marriage that Scripture doesn’t address directly. For instance, the Bible never specifically says, “Don’t beat your wife.” Still, the idea that wife beating is acceptable in a Christian marriage is impossible to justify (Ephesians 5:28-29; Colossians 3:19). And what about sexual, emotional, financial, and verbal abuse? How severe would such abuse have to be to justify divorce? What if children are being caught in the crossfire? Sincere Christians differ on where to draw the line, since Scripture does not speak to every situation specifically and individual circumstances are complex. What is clear is this: Divorce is a terrible thing, yet due to sin, it is sometimes necessary.2 Samuel 12:7-13Then Nathan said to David, “. . . Why, then, have you despised the word of the Lord and done this horrible deed? For you have murdered Uriah the Hittite with the sword of the Ammonites and stolen his wife. . . .” Then David confessed to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.” Nathan replied, “Yes, but the Lord has forgiven you, and you won’t die for this sin.”Psalm 51:10-12, 16-17Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. . . . You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.1 John 2:1-2My dear children, I am writing this to you so that you will not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate who pleads our case before the Father. He is Jesus Christ, the one who is truly righteous. He himself is the sacrifice that atones for our sins—and not only our sins but the sins of all the world.God can forgive any sin. King David not only committed adultery—he murdered Bathsheba’s husband, Uriah, one of David’s most faithful soldiers. David’s sin caused severe consequences for him and his family, yet God also showed him forgiveness. In Psalm 51, David expresses his sincere regret and repentance to God after these sins, and we see the beautiful truth of God’s mercy. Rather than stewing in his sin and isolating from God, David took ahold of that mercy and lived life with a renewed devotion to God—so much so that he is known as “a man after God’s own heart.” Just like David, a divorced person does not have to forfeit joy and blessing for the rest of his or her life, even if they feel guilt for their part in the divorce. God restores sinners, no matter how great the sin. When we admit our sin, are truly sorry for it, confess it to God, and commit to living more like Jesus, God forgets our sin and allows us to move on. While God clearly lists in the Bible what he considers sin (and divorce is on that list), he also clearly explains how to be forgiven. Whether your marriage is restored or not, God longs for us to have a restored relationship with him.

Question 3

What are some ways to prevent divorce?

Accepted Answer

Ephesians 5:24-25, 28As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. . . . In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself.1 Thessalonians 5:11So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.Couples who love each other with the kind of love Christ showed when he died for us, who seek to please one another, who encourage each other and build up one another are the couples who will likely remain together in a happy marriage. The format is simple, but the fulfillment takes some doing! Don’t let anyone convince you that love should be easy. Sin is easy; love is hard work because it requires us to think about others more than ourselves. But loving and serving others always brings far greater rewards than just living for ourselves.Proverbs 15:1A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.Proverbs 18:13Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.Colossians 3:19Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.James 1:19Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.If love and respect are the foundations of the marriage relationship, communication is the mortar that holds it together. Often, communication breaks down at the receiving end. Lack of listening often comes from anger, impatience, or pride—attitudes and emotions that can bounce from person to person in a growing spiral. Make a conscious decision to break that cycle by truly listening. True listening is more than being quiet and planning a counterargument; true listening requires empathy. It’s taking a step back from your emotions and actively trying to understand the other person’s feelings. It’s validating their concerns and considering how to address them. Without that kind of listening, it is impossible to fully love or communicate in a healthy way.1 Peter 3:8-9Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude. Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will grant you his blessing.Punishing a spouse for behaviors you don’t like may seem to reduce those behaviors, but it will only increase the division between you. Instead of attacking the symptoms, heal the source by treating your spouse with love and respect.1 Corinthians 7:5Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.1 Corinthians 13:4-5Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.Sex is meant to be a bonding experience between a husband and wife. Withholding it from your spouse is one of the worst ways of punishing your spouse. It not only removes that bonding experience, but it leaves you both open to sexual temptation. With that said, the opposite response—demanding sex—is also a problem. It risks reducing your spouse to a pleasure you demand rather than a person you love. Love is patient; it does not insist on its own way. If the intimacy in your marriage is struggling, don’t try to force your will on the situation—take the time to talk about it. Reaffirm your love and desire to understand one another. There may be problems beneath the surface, but if they are brought to light, those problems can be more easily addressed.Ephesians 4:2-3Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.Colossians 3:13Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.When you live with someone for a long time, you will inevitably find habits and mannerisms that annoy you. Some may be small points of preference, such as different tastes in food. Others may be a contrast of personality, such as one person enjoying large social events and the other preferring quiet time one-on-one. Still others may be weaknesses of character, such as a tendency toward laziness or a sharp tongue. Scripture encourages us to “make allowance” for others—even for their faults—out of love and a desire to live at peace with them.Matthew 7:3-5“Why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.”Matthew 18:15“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.”Galatians 6:1-2Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.While many issues can be smoothed over by making allowance for each other’s faults, that doesn’t mean spouses should avoid conflict. Allowing problematic behavior and resentment to fester beneath the surface will only let it grow. However, the way we address such conflicts can make a drastic difference in whether we experience resolution and peace. Scripture calls for such communication to be motivated by love for the other person—not a desire to be right or to drown them in guilt.Matthew 6:21“Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.”Many idols can slip into our lives and cause us to neglect our relationship with God. Often, those idols can harm our relationships with others as well—including our spouse. An idol might be something evil and destructive, such as pornography or the love of money. Or an idol might be something innocent that has been made too high a priority, such as a hobby that fills our schedule. It may even be something good that has overstepped its bounds, such as a job with increasing responsibilities. Consider what you are treasuring during this season of your life and which treasures you may need to step away from to find more time for God and your spouse.1 Corinthians 13:4-5Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.Ephesians 5:21-29Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. . . . For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. . . . husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.1 Peter 3:1-2, 7In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives. . . . In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.1 Peter 4:8Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.The most fundamental part of a healthy marriage relationship is mutual love and respect. Christians sometimes differ on their ideas about how love and respect should be shown, but Scripture makes it clear that mutual love and respect is not debatable. A marriage without love and respect lacks the qualities required of all successful relationships.Proverbs 12:26The godly give good advice to their friends.Proverbs 19:20Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life.A godly Christian marriage counselor can be an excellent resource for helping you and your spouse revitalize your marriage.

Question 4

How can I deal with the bitterness I feel from divorce?

Accepted Answer

Matthew 5:44“But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!”Matthew 10:16“Look, I am sending you out as sheep among wolves. So be as shrewd as snakes and harmless as doves.”Mark 11:25“But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.”Ephesians 4:31-32Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.Hebrews 12:15Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.If you are a victim of divorce, you may have been hurt badly, you may have been treated unjustly, you may have been humiliated. But if bitterness is allowed to fester and grow, it will consume you and overshadow all you do. Forgiveness is a choice to no longer chain yourself to what someone else did to you. It is freedom from allowing that hurt to continue to hurt you. Such forgiveness does not discredit the pain that person caused, nor does it mean choosing to trust them again—we are called to be shrewd and discerning, and that includes setting safe boundaries. However, that forgiveness does mean letting go of the hatred we may hold and letting the Holy Spirit’s love guide our hearts. Only then can we truly walk in freedom.

Question 5

Will God forgive me if I do get divorced?

Accepted Answer

Ephesians 3:18-19May you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.1 John 1:9If we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.1 John 2:1-6My dear children, I am writing this to you so that you will not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate who pleads our case before the Father. He is Jesus Christ, the one who is truly righteous. He himself is the sacrifice that atones for our sins—and not only our sins but the sins of all the world. And we can be sure that we know him if we obey his commandments. If someone claims, “I know God,” but doesn’t obey God’s commandments, that person is a liar and is not living in the truth. But those who obey God’s word truly show how completely they love him. That is how we know we are living in him. Those who say they live in God should live their lives as Jesus did.Sometimes divorce is a necessary response to sin. Other times divorce is itself a sin. No sin is beyond God’s forgiveness. Nothing we do to someone else and nothing someone else does to us can separate us from God’s unconditional love. No matter what has happened to us, God can restore us to wholeness. At the same time, God’s forgiveness is not an excuse to get a divorce. It never excuses us from working hard to restore a broken relationship with our spouse. God grants forgiveness to those who are sincere, who are truly sorry. If we approach divorce with selfish motives and a hard heart, we are not being sincere with God.

Question 6

How can I ever forgive someone who has hurt me so deeply?

Accepted Answer

Matthew 5:44“But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!”Romans 12:17-18Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.Colossians 3:13Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.1 Peter 3:8-9Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude. Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will grant you his blessing.If we are striving to be more and more like Jesus, we must do what he would do, and he would forgive. This may be the hardest thing you will ever have to do because you will still have to live daily with the hurtful consequences of what happened. Forgiveness is not easy, but necessary in order for you to move on. It also demonstrates that love, not bitterness or hatred, rules your heart. Give your hurt and anger to God, and ask him to help you leave it at his feet so that you might experience his freedom.1 Samuel 26:8“God has surely handed your enemy over to you this time!” Abishai whispered to David. “Let me pin him to the ground with one thrust of the spear; I won’t need to strike twice!” “No!” David said. “Don’t kill him.” . . . Saul recognized David’s voice and called out, “Is that you, my son David?” And David replied, “Yes, my lord the king. Why are you chasing me? What have I done? What is my crime? . . .” Then Saul confessed, “I have sinned. Come back home, my son, and I will no longer try to harm you, for you valued my life today. I have been a fool and very, very wrong.” “Here is your spear, O king,” David replied. “Let one of your young men come over and get it. The Lord gives his own reward for doing good and for being loyal, and I refused to kill you even when the Lord placed you in my power, for you are the Lord’s anointed one. Now may the Lord value my life, even as I have valued yours today. May he rescue me from all my troubles.” And Saul said to David, “Blessings on you, my son David. You will do many heroic deeds, and you will surely succeed.” Then David went away, and Saul returned home.Matthew 7:15“Beware of false prophets who come disguised as harmless sheep but are really vicious wolves.”Matthew 10:16“Look, I am sending you out as sheep among wolves. So be as shrewd as snakes and harmless as doves.”Jude 1:23Show mercy to still others, but do so with great caution, hating the sins that contaminate their lives.For years, David lived life on the run from a paranoid and power-hungry King Saul. But when David was given an opportunity to kill his enemy, David refused. In fact, he did what he could to make amends with Saul—to make it clear that David did not wish to be his enemy. Saul was grateful, even remorseful, and the two parted on good terms. But David did not accept Saul’s offer to come back home. David recognized that Saul was an unstable and jealous man, and while David forgave him, he did not trust Saul to stay true to his promise not to harm David. So David went back into hiding. In the same way, Jesus told his followers to be as “shrewd as snakes and as harmless as doves.” If someone is violent, manipulative, or abusive, it is completely appropriate to forgive without reconciling—to release our anger and bitterness without offering that person the same trust they once held.Matthew 18:21-22Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone* who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!”Philippians 1:6I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.Hebrews 10:10God’s will was for us to be made holy by the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ, once for all time.2 Peter 1:5-8In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God’s promises. Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone. The more you grow like this, the more productive and useful you will be in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.Salvation comes in a moment—a moment when our heart is changed and we embrace God’s free gift. But even though we are freed from the guilt of sin, there is still sin in our lives, and it takes the Holy Spirit’s work (and our partnership with him) to uproot that sin. Where salvation is instant and permanent, sanctification is an ongoing, life-long process. In a similar way, forgiveness comes in two stages—the moment when we chose to forgive someone and the ongoing struggle to live out that forgiveness. There will be moments when we stumble, when we feel old bitterness and anger rise. Still, that firm decision to forgive provides the foundation for us to consciously reaffirm that choice day after day, even when it is hard, and even when we are still living in the consequences of that person’s behavior. In time, through God’s grace, our forgiveness will grow to be more like Christ’s.

Question 7

How do I deal with the shame that comes from divorce?

Accepted Answer

John 4:17-18“I don’t have a husband,” the woman replied. Jesus said, “You’re right! You don’t have a husband—for you have had five husbands, and you aren’t even married to the man you’re living with now. You certainly spoke the truth!”John 4:25-26The woman said, “I know the Messiah is coming—the one who is called Christ. When he comes, he will explain everything to us.” Then Jesus told her, “I Am the Messiah!”John 4:39Many Samaritans from the village believed in Jesus because the woman had said, “He told me everything I ever did!”Philippians 1:6I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.The woman at the well had gone through numerous divorces, and she was currently living with a man she was not married to. We don’t know all the circumstances of this woman’s life, but she was suffering shame enough that she went out to carry water from the well in the heat of the day, likely to avoid other women from the town. Jesus knew all the hard circumstances of her life, yet he did not reject or avoid her. In fact, she was the first person to whom Jesus openly revealed himself as the Messiah—and she took that truth to heart. In fact, her joy at her discovery was so great that she ran to town to share the good news with the same people she had been avoiding. She broke that shame barrier with a new love and a new purpose—Jesus—and because of her bold witness, many people who had once rejected her came to know Jesus, too. Even if other people write you off, God never will. No matter what happened in your past, God still has a purpose for your future and you are precious to him.Luke 15:19-20“‘I [the lost son] will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant.”’ So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him.’”Romans 8:1So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.Hebrews 2:11So now Jesus and the ones he makes holy have the same Father. That is why Jesus is not ashamed to call them his brothers and sisters.Shame is condemnation from another human being—either ourselves or someone else. Often, divorce brings a great deal of shame, whether our sin led to the divorce or not. But even if we were at fault, if we have confessed our sin and are no longer living in it, then we do not need to dwell in that shame. Why should we be ashamed of ourselves when God is not ashamed to call us his very own children? Why should we hold back forgiveness from ourselves when Christ paid our debt through the cross? There is a place for sorrow and for repentance, but their purpose is to turn us back to the loving embrace of our heavenly Father.Romans 8:15So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”It is common for someone going through divorce to feel shame even when they have done nothing wrong. Abandonment, unfaithfulness, or abuse by a spouse often foster lies that we are inclined to believe.Philippians 3:13-14No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.Whether our past is filled with success or regret, Paul warns us against dwelling on it. Ruminating on the past can prevent us from seeing what God calls us to in the present—and what he has promised us in the future.Proverbs 29:25Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety.Galatians 1:10Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.1 John 1:9If we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.You may be experiencing condemnation from others or even yourself, but in the end, only God knows the circumstances of your marriage and your divorce, and only his opinion matters. If you have sought God’s forgiveness for anything that needs forgiving—if you have truly repented of anything you need to repent of—then you are forgiven. That’s God’s promise in his Word. You can’t control other peoples’ judgments. You can only seek to approach the situation with the grace and wisdom God gives you. Don’t allow your fear of human judgment to shake your faith in God’s truth and love.Psalm 23:4Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.Psalm 34:4-5I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.1 Peter 5:7Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.On the good days and on the hard days, lift your fears to God. Through prayer, we can spend time with the One who is always faithful, always loving, and always present in our lives—even in the darkest valley.

Question 8

How can I move forward as a single person?

Accepted Answer

1 Corinthians 7:17Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you.1 Corinthians 7:32-38I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible. . . . So the person who marries his fiancée does well, and the person who doesn’t marry does even better.Make the most of your singleness by wholeheartedly serving the Lord. It will be through your service that you find what God most wants for you—whether to be single or married.Psalm 77:3I think of God, and I moan, overwhelmed with longing for his help.Proverbs 25:20Singing cheerful songs to a person with a heavy heart is like taking someone’s coat in cold weather or pouring vinegar in a wound.Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. . . . A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.Romans 12:15Weep with those who weep.Ephesians 4:26-27“Be angry, yet do not sin.” Do not let the sun set upon your anger, and do not give the devil a foothold.1 Peter 5:7Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.Following a divorce, emotions continue to swirl and simmer. Give yourself time to process those emotions in an honest, healthy way. If we ignore or stifle those emotions, they will fester inside us and express themselves in unhealthy ways.Matthew 10:16“Look, I am sending you out as sheep among wolves. So be as shrewd as snakes and harmless as doves.”2 Corinthians 7:10The kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death.Philippians 1:9-10I pray that your love will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding. For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return.James 1:5If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.After the dust has settled, we may wonder what went wrong—and that is a wise question to ask. It is healthy to learn from the past so we can turn away from the unhealthy patterns that trap us there. Were you drawn to the wrong qualities in a spouse? Do you regret the way you handled relational conflict? Are you still uncovering the lies of an abuser? Think critically about the situation. God longs for us to repent, to mature, to take the next step forward—and he is eager to guide us on our way. We can pray for the right mind and the right heart for approaching this new season of life.Song of Songs 8:4Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, not to awaken love until the time is right.1 Corinthians 7:8-9So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust.Everyone’s situation is different, and everyone reacts differently to their situation. After divorce, we may go through a number of different thoughts and emotions regarding remarriage. Some may scramble for a new relationship immediately and fall back into the same kind of unhealthy relationship that led to their divorce. Others may be scarred and cynical, preferring to struggle with sexual temptation than to trust their heart to someone else. Still others may embrace the benefits of singleness like the apostle Paul—some for a time, some for life. There is no universally “right” time or “right” choice, but there are healthy and unhealthy ways to pursue any of these choices. Take the time and emotional space to consider your choice wisely.

Question 9

How can I love and trust again?

Accepted Answer

Proverbs 12:26The godly give good advice to their friends; the wicked lead them astray.Proverbs 18:24There are “friends” who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.Ecclesiastes 4:A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.Hebrews 10:25Let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.We may be dealing with weakened or broken friendships following a divorce—especially with married friends. But it’s critical to seek out and build on the friendships that stand firm. Strong, godly friendships should be our social foundation following a divorce. Such friendships give us a safe place to grieve, to heal, and to learn to trust again.Colossians 1:8He has told us about the love for others that the Holy Spirit has given you.1 Thessalonians 3:12May the Lord make your love for one another and for all people grow and overflow, just as our love for you overflows.1 Thessalonians 4:9We don’t need to write to you about the importance of loving each other, for God himself has taught you to love one another.After trust is broken and divorce occurs, it may be hard to allow yourself to love again. But God is love, and his Spirit still lives in you. Allow God’s healing love to wash over you. The more you appreciate and understand just how much he still loves you, regardless of what you have done or others have done to you, the more his love in you will overflow to others.