How do I deal with the shame that comes from divorce?
John 4:17-18“I don’t have a husband,” the woman replied. Jesus said, “You’re right! You don’t have a husband—for you have had five husbands, and you aren’t even married to the man you’re living with now. You certainly spoke the truth!”
John 4:25-26The woman said, “I know the Messiah is coming—the one who is called Christ. When he comes, he will explain everything to us.” Then Jesus told her, “I Am the Messiah!”
John 4:39Many Samaritans from the village believed in Jesus because the woman had said, “He told me everything I ever did!”
Philippians 1:6I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.
The woman at the well had gone through numerous divorces, and she was currently living with a man she was not married to. We don’t know all the circumstances of this woman’s life, but she was suffering shame enough that she went out to carry water from the well in the heat of the day, likely to avoid other women from the town. Jesus knew all the hard circumstances of her life, yet he did not reject or avoid her. In fact, she was the first person to whom Jesus openly revealed himself as the Messiah—and she took that truth to heart. In fact, her joy at her discovery was so great that she ran to town to share the good news with the same people she had been avoiding. She broke that shame barrier with a new love and a new purpose—Jesus—and because of her bold witness, many people who had once rejected her came to know Jesus, too. Even if other people write you off, God never will. No matter what happened in your past, God still has a purpose for your future and you are precious to him.
Luke 15:19-20“‘I [the lost son] will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant.”’ So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him.’”
Romans 8:1So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.
Hebrews 2:11So now Jesus and the ones he makes holy have the same Father. That is why Jesus is not ashamed to call them his brothers and sisters.
Shame is condemnation from another human being—either ourselves or someone else. Often, divorce brings a great deal of shame, whether our sin led to the divorce or not. But even if we were at fault, if we have confessed our sin and are no longer living in it, then we do not need to dwell in that shame. Why should we be ashamed of ourselves when God is not ashamed to call us his very own children? Why should we hold back forgiveness from ourselves when Christ paid our debt through the cross? There is a place for sorrow and for repentance, but their purpose is to turn us back to the loving embrace of our heavenly Father.
Romans 8:15So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”
It is common for someone going through divorce to feel shame even when they have done nothing wrong. Abandonment, unfaithfulness, or abuse by a spouse often foster lies that we are inclined to believe.
Philippians 3:13-14No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.
Whether our past is filled with success or regret, Paul warns us against dwelling on it. Ruminating on the past can prevent us from seeing what God calls us to in the present—and what he has promised us in the future.
Proverbs 29:25Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety.
Galatians 1:10Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.
1 John 1:9If we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.
You may be experiencing condemnation from others or even yourself, but in the end, only God knows the circumstances of your marriage and your divorce, and only his opinion matters. If you have sought God’s forgiveness for anything that needs forgiving—if you have truly repented of anything you need to repent of—then you are forgiven. That’s God’s promise in his Word. You can’t control other peoples’ judgments. You can only seek to approach the situation with the grace and wisdom God gives you. Don’t allow your fear of human judgment to shake your faith in God’s truth and love.
Psalm 23:4Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.
Psalm 34:4-5I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.
1 Peter 5:7Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.
On the good days and on the hard days, lift your fears to God. Through prayer, we can spend time with the One who is always faithful, always loving, and always present in our lives—even in the darkest valley.
