Question 1

What counts as abuse?

Accepted Answer

Genesis 9:5-6“I will require the blood of anyone who takes another person’s life. If a wild animal kills a person, it must die. And anyone who murders a fellow human must die. If anyone takes a human life, that person’s life will also be taken by human hands. For God made human beings in his own image.”Exodus 21:12“Anyone who assaults and kills another person must be put to death.”Psalm 72:12, 14He [the Lord] will rescue the poor when they cry to him; he will help the oppressed, who have no one to defend them. . . .He will redeem them from oppression and violence, for their lives are precious to him.Violence and physical abuse are expressly forbidden by God and have no place in relationships. Violence is the use of force to take or destroy something. Violence in relationships is abuse and must be stopped immediately. If someone you know is physically abusing you, seek help. Abusers rely on fear and isolation for what they do, and the first step away from it is in finding support and counsel from friends.Proverbs 15:4Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.Proverbs 26:18-19Just as damaging as a madman shooting a deadly weapon is someone who lies to a friend and then says, “I was only joking.”Matthew 5:21-22“You have heard that our ancestors were told, ‘You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.’ But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell.”James 3:9-10Sometimes it [the tongue] praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!Verbal abuse is not a “lesser abuse.” In Scripture, hurtful words are described as deadly weapons or an uncontrollable fire, and Jesus himself describes verbal abuse as something akin to murder. Name-calling, mocking, or belittling someone degrades their worth and bruises their spirit as easily as a fist bruises a body.Judges 16:15-16Then Delilah pouted, “How can you tell me, ‘I love you,’ when you don’t share your secrets with me? You’ve made fun of me three times now, and you still haven’t told me what makes you so strong!” She tormented him with her nagging day after day until he was sick to death of it.1 Samuel 25:14-17, 19Meanwhile, one of Nabal’s servants went to Abigail and told her, “David sent messengers from the wilderness to greet our master, but he screamed insults at them. These men have been very good to us, and we never suffered any harm from them. Nothing was stolen from us the whole time they were with us. In fact, day and night they were like a wall of protection to us and the sheep. You need to know this and figure out what to do, for there is going to be trouble for our master and his whole family. He’s so ill-tempered that no one can even talk to him!” . . . [Abigail] said to her servants, “Go on ahead. I will follow you shortly.” But she didn’t tell her husband Nabal what she was doing.Colossians 3:19, 21Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly. . . . Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged.Emotional abuse is about manipulation and control, and often involves shutting down others’ feelings or opinions. Nabal was blessed with a wise wife and honorable employees, but when Nabal made a foolish decision to insult David, both his employees and his wife were afraid to talk to him. Nabal had established a behavior pattern of being harsh and badly behaved. In this high-tension situation, Abigail and the shepherds feared that talking to Nabal would make the situation worse. An emotional abuser doesn’t always shut others down through harshness. Sometimes, they wear others down through nagging or making the victim feel guilty. Delilah wore Samson down through constant nagging and claiming that, if he truly loved her, he would tell her the secret of his strength. An emotional abuser’s manipulation methods may vary, but the goal is the same: control over the victim.Deuteronomy 22:25-27“If the man meets the engaged woman out in the country, and he rapes her, then only the man must die. Do nothing to the young woman; she has committed no crime worthy of death. She is as innocent as a murder victim. Since the man raped her out in the country, it must be assumed that she screamed, but there was no one to rescue her.”2 Samuel 13:6, 9-12, 14So Amnon lay down and pretended to be sick. And when the king came to see him, Amnon asked him, “Please let my sister Tamar come and cook my favorite dish as I watch. Then I can eat it from her own hands.” . . . But when she set the serving tray before him, he refused to eat. “Everyone get out of here,” Amnon told his servants. So they all left. Then he said to Tamar, “Now bring the food into my bedroom and feed it to me here.” So Tamar took his favorite dish to him. But as she was feeding him, he grabbed her and demanded, “Come to bed with me, my darling sister.” “No, my brother!” she cried. “Don’t be foolish! Don’t do this to me! Such wicked things aren’t done in Israel.” . . .But Amnon wouldn’t listen to her, and since he was stronger than she was, he raped her.1 Corinthians 7:4The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.1 Corinthians 13:4-5Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.Ephesians 5:3Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people.Sexual abuse often comes from people we should be able to trust—friends, family members, mentors, even spouses. Like Amnon, sexual abusers can be persuasive, even charming, and rely on deception to arrange the right situations for their abuse. They may try to convince their victims with lies that the victim was at fault. Sometimes, even a husband or wife may push their spouse into unwanted sexual acts. They may claim that 1 Corinthians 7:4 says their spouse’s body is theirs to do what they want with, or that their spouse has a marital duty to satisfy them. While a husband and wife do indeed have a duty to provide sexual fulfillment to one another, that sex is meant to be performed in a loving and mutually enjoyable manner. Marriage is meant to reflect the union of Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:22-30). That love is patient and kind, not aggressive or manipulative. Any “love” that operates out of selfish lust is a far cry from what God desires for us.Leviticus 25:35-37“If one of your fellow Israelites falls into poverty and cannot support himself, support him as you would a foreigner or a temporary resident and allow him to live with you. Do not charge interest or make a profit at his expense. Instead, show your fear of God by letting him live with you as your relative. Remember, do not charge interest on money you lend him or make a profit on food you sell him.”Proverbs 3:27Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it’s in your power to help them.Proverbs 14:31Those who oppress the poor insult their Maker, but helping the poor honors him.Ezekiel 47:21-23“Divide the land within these boundaries among the tribes of Israel. Distribute the land as an allotment for yourselves and for the foreigners who have joined you and are raising their families among you. They will be like native-born Israelites to you and will receive an allotment among the tribes. These foreigners are to be given land within the territory of the tribe with whom they now live. I, the Sovereign Lord, have spoken!”1 Timothy 5:8Those who won’t care for their relatives, especially those in their own household, have denied the true faith. Such people are worse than unbelievers.1 John 3:17-18If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion—how can God’s love be in that person? Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.Finances can provide strong leverage for abuse. Threatening to take or withhold belongings puts an abuser in a position of power over the abused. Often, financial abuse is accompanied by emotional abuse. Especially in family situations, the fear of being unable to provide for oneself or one’s children without the abuser’s help can make the victim feel trapped. As with all abuse situations, seeking trustworthy counsel and support is a wise course of action.Ezekiel 34:2-5“What sorrow awaits you shepherds who feed yourselves instead of your flocks. Shouldn’t shepherds feed their sheep? You drink the milk, wear the wool, and butcher the best animals, but you let your flocks starve. You have not taken care of the weak. You have not tended the sick or bound up the injured. You have not gone looking for those who have wandered away and are lost. Instead, you have ruled them with harshness and cruelty. So my sheep have been scattered without a shepherd, and they are easy prey for any wild animal.”Matthew 7:15“Beware of false prophets who come disguised as harmless sheep but are really vicious wolves.”Matthew 21:12-13Jesus entered the Temple and began to drive out all the people buying and selling animals for sacrifice. He knocked over the tables of the money changers and the chairs of those selling doves. He said to them, “The Scriptures declare, ‘My Temple will be called a house of prayer,’ but you have turned it into a den of thieves!”Matthew 23:13, 23-24, 27-28“What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! For you shut the door of the Kingdom of Heaven in people’s faces. You won’t go in yourselves, and you don’t let others enter either. . . .What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! For you are careful to tithe even the tiniest income from your herb gardens, but you ignore the more important aspects of the law—justice, mercy, and faith. You should tithe, yes, but do not neglect the more important things. Blind guides! You strain your water so you won’t accidentally swallow a gnat, but you swallow a camel! . . .What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs—beautiful on the outside but filled on the inside with dead people’s bones and all sorts of impurity. Outwardly you look like righteous people, but inwardly your hearts are filled with hypocrisy and lawlessness.”Luke 12:42-46The Lord replied, “A faithful, sensible servant is one to whom the master can give the responsibility of managing his other household servants and feeding them. If the master returns and finds that the servant has done a good job, there will be a reward. I tell you the truth, the master will put that servant in charge of all he owns. But what if the servant thinks, ‘My master won’t be back for a while,’ and he begins beating the other servants, partying, and getting drunk? The master will return unannounced and unexpected, and he will cut the servant in pieces and banish him with the unfaithful.”John 10:11-15“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd sacrifices his life for the sheep. A hired hand will run when he sees a wolf coming. He will abandon the sheep because they don’t belong to him and he isn’t their shepherd. And so the wolf attacks them and scatters the flock. The hired hand runs away because he’s working only for the money and doesn’t really care about the sheep. I am the good shepherd; I know my own sheep, and they know me, just as my Father knows me and I know the Father. So I sacrifice my life for the sheep.”1 Peter 5:3Don’t lord it over the people assigned to your care, but lead them by your own good example.All kinds of abuse—physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, and financial—can be more easily committed by those in positions of power. Our Christian communities should be safe places, but in our fallen world, spiritual abuse is too often a harsh reality. From the Old Testament to the New Testament to modern times, those in spiritual leadership are tempted to use their authority for selfish purposes.At no time in the Bible is Jesus’ anger more evident than when he confronts spiritual abuse taking place in the Temple courtyard. This court (the Court of the Gentiles) was supposed to be a place where non-Jewish believers could worship the one true God. Instead, it was being used as a marketplace. Worse, those merchants were more or less robbing those who had traveled far to worship God in the Temple. Not only were they able to charge high fees for the animals they sold, but the moneychangers could charge a high exchange rate on their captive customers. After all, how could a devout believer pay the Temple tax without converting their money to shekels?Time and again, Jesus confronts members of the Jewish religious elite for twisting God’s law to control and burden people. Spiritual and emotional abuse often go hand in hand. The Pharisees turned the Sabbath into a series of rules rather than the blessing it was meant to be (Mark 2:27, Luke 6:6-11). When Jewish spiritual leaders found their authority resisted, they verbally and physically abused Jesus and his disciples (Matthew 12:24; Mark 15:1-15, 31-32; John 9:34; Acts 5:40; 7:54-60). God speaks very strongly against spiritual “shepherds” who prey upon their sheep. In contrast, Jesus set an example of servant leadership, self-sacrifice, and compassion. Christians who find themselves in a community with toxic leadership should consider carefully whether to move to safety or confront the abuse (Matthew 18:15-17; 1 Timothy 5:19-20).

Question 2

Is all abuse really that serious?

Accepted Answer

Proverbs 15:4Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.Proverbs 16:18-19Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall. Better to live humbly with the poor than to share plunder with the proud.Proverbs 19:19Hot-tempered people must pay the penalty. If you rescue them once, you will have to do it again.Proverbs 29:22An angry person starts fights; a hot-tempered person commits all kinds of sin.Abuse is always dangerous, whether it leaves physical marks or not—and no kind of abuse is insignificant. It’s not likely the abuse will “go away” either. Abuse tends to happen in cycles. Tension builds into an instance of abuse, causing emotional and/or physical harm to the victim. Then the victim and the abuser reconcile, and there is a period of calm until the tension builds again. Patterns of anger and sin can and will repeat themselves, and their effects build up over time.

Question 3

Who can I talk to about my abuse?

Accepted Answer

Proverbs 17:17A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.Proverbs 27:9The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense.Ecclesiastes 4:9-12Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.Talking about an abusive situation is a struggle at many levels. Often the best place to begin is with a trusted friend, family member, or mentor. God puts good people into our lives to protect us and make us stronger.Proverbs 12:18Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.Proverbs 20:5Though good advice lies deep within the heart, a person with understanding will draw it out.Some people are blessed with great knowledge, wisdom, and experience in dealing with abuse. While friends and family know us well, sometimes it’s easier to talk things over with a professional who has a more objective view of the situation. Some pastors can be an excellent resource, offering godly counsel, prayer, and connections to others who can help. However, many pastors lack understanding and training in dealing with abuse, specifically. A Christian counselor or an abuse helpline will have the specific knowledge and experience to guide you on the road to safety and healing.2 Chronicles 14:11Asa cried out to the Lord his God, “O Lord, no one but you can help the powerless against the mighty! Help us, O Lord our God, for we trust in you alone. It is in your name that we have come against this vast horde. O Lord, you are our God; do not let mere men prevail against you!”Psalm 23:4Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.Romans 8:15So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”2 Timothy 1:7God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.Hebrews 13:5-6Don’t love money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” So we can say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?”1 Peter 5:7Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.In every situation, we can talk to our heavenly Father, our holy Counselor, and our loving Savior. He understands our secret struggles, our fears and weaknesses, and he loves us through them all. His Holy Spirit empowers us to walk in peace and confidence—even through the valley of the shadow of death. Though human helpers may fail us, God never will.

Question 4

How can I end an abusive situation?

Accepted Answer

Proverbs 19:19Hot-tempered people must pay the penalty. If you rescue them once, you will have to do it again.Proverbs 22:24-25Don’t befriend angry people or associate with hot-tempered people, or you will learn to be like them and endanger your soul.2 Thessalonians 3:6We give you this command in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ: Stay away from all believers who live idle lives and don’t follow the tradition they received from us.If someone is abusive and dangerous, you may need to cut them out of your life until they truly repent and change. Scripture supports this, particularly in instances where someone who claims to be a believer is living in bold, unrepentant sin. In your personal life, that could involve separating from a friend or family member.Matthew 10:15“I tell you the truth, the wicked cities of Sodom and Gomorrah will be better off than such a town on the judgment day.”Matthew 18:15-17“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.”1 Corinthians 5:5-6, 11-12Then you must throw this man out and hand him over to Satan so that his sinful nature will be destroyed and he himself will be saved on the day the Lord returns. Your boasting about this is terrible. Don’t you realize that this sin is like a little yeast that spreads through the whole batch of dough? . . . I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don’t even eat with such people. It isn’t my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your responsibility to judge those inside the church who are sinning.Ephesians 5:11Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them.1 Peter 2:12Be careful to live properly among your unbelieving neighbors. Then even if they accuse you of doing wrong, they will see your honorable behavior, and they will give honor to God when he judges the world.In a public context, such as church, ending abuse may involve separating that individual from the group. Paul’s advice in 1 Corinthians 5 is not only for the health of the church, but also for the salvation of the abuser. A public excommunication forces the abuser to face the consequences of their sin pattern, and has the potential to prompt remorse and repentance. With that said, not every church has a biblical system of church discipline in place, and not every pastor is equipped for dealing with an issue like abuse. Abusers are often persuasive and charming, and it can be hard for church members to believe the ugly truth. If the abuser is in a position of church leadership themselves, the situation becomes even more complicated—and more urgent.Confronting the ugliness of human sin is never easy, and it can be particularly painful in a church context, but allowing sin to fester within the church allows it to spread and harm others. In time, this rotten core spreads to the outside, tainting the church’s witness to the world. Perhaps God is calling you to leave and seek a healthier church for spiritual nourishment. Perhaps God is calling you to stay and confront the rot to save the rest. Pray deeply over such a challenging decision, trusting God with your fears and the future (Psalm 46; 1 Timothy 1:7).Romans 13:4The authorities are God’s servants, sent for your good. But if you are doing wrong, of course you should be afraid, for they have the power to punish you. They are God’s servants, sent for the very purpose of punishing those who do what is wrong.1 Peter 2:13-14For the Lord’s sake, submit to all human authority—whether the king as head of state, or the officials he has appointed. For the king has sent them to punish those who do wrong and to honor those who do right.In some severe abuse situations, it may be necessary to call for law enforcement to step in. This can provide safety and empowerment for the one being abused. Making a report can be difficult without knowing how law enforcement and the abuser will respond to the intervention. Make sure you have sought counsel and support, prayed, and considered your options before reporting (Psalm 105:4; Proverbs 19:2). Such decisions are incredibly difficult and painful, but we are not left to face them alone. God’s Holy Spirit is with us every step of the way, giving us courage to do what is right (2 Timothy 1:7; Joshua 1:9).

Question 5

How do I heal from the wounds of abuse?

Accepted Answer

Ephesians 4:31Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words.Recognize how bitterness only poisons your own soul. For those who have been victims of abuse, the hurt is real and there are scars—physical and emotional. When justice doesn’t happen as it should, when life doesn’t seem fair—that’s when bitterness can consume us. Through our bitterness, we permit the abuser to maintain a level of power over us, and it’s essential to recognize and deal with that bitterness before it overwhelms us. Otherwise, we will not be able to find healing and move on.Matthew 6:14-15“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.”Matthew 5:44“But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!”Luke 23:34Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.”Romans 12:19Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord.This may be the hardest act of the Christian life: forgiving those who have wronged us without any expectation that they will change. Forgiveness is the only way to purge our souls of the toxin of bitterness and a vengeful spirit. The only way to forgive fully is to understand and accept that God has forgiven our sins, even though we did not deserve it. Only when we seek forgiveness for our sins can we be filled with God’s Spirit. And when we are filled with his Spirit’s power, we can find the strength and the grace to forgive others.When you forgive your abuser, you are not saying the hurt isn’t real or the abuse was excusable, or that you will put yourself in a position where you might be harmed again. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation with the abuser. Forgiving the abuser means that you refuse to let the abuser have any more control in your life. The person who hurt you doesn’t need to be asked or told. The act of forgiveness occurs between you and God. Leave your hurt with God and allow his power to heal you from the inside so you can have a fresh start.Psalm 147:3He [the Lord] heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.Matthew 11:28Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”Matthew 15:30-31Jesus . . . healed them all.Only Jesus can truly heal broken lives.

Question 6

Can my abuser change?

Accepted Answer

Matthew 3:7-8When he [John the Baptist] saw many Pharisees and Sadducees coming to watch him baptize, he denounced them. “You brood of snakes!” he exclaimed. “Who warned you to flee the coming wrath? Prove by the way you live that you have repented of your sins and turned to God.”Matthew 26:59Inside, the leading priests and the entire high council were trying to find witnesses who would lie about Jesus, so they could put him to death.Acts 7:54, 57-58The Jewish leaders were infuriated by Stephen’s accusation, and they shook their fists at him in rage. . . .Then they put their hands over their ears and began shouting. They rushed at him and dragged him out of the city and began to stone him. His accusers took off their coats and laid them at the feet of a young man named Saul.Acts 9:1-5Meanwhile, Saul was uttering threats with every breath and was eager to kill the Lord’s followers. So he went to the high priest. He requested letters addressed to the synagogues in Damascus, asking for their cooperation in the arrest of any followers of the Way he found there. He wanted to bring them—both men and women—back to Jerusalem in chains. As he was approaching Damascus on this mission, a light from heaven suddenly shone down around him. He fell to the ground and heard a voice saying to him, “Saul! Saul! Why are you persecuting me?” “Who are you, lord?” Saul asked. And the voice replied, “I am Jesus, the one you are persecuting!”Galatians 1:13You know what I [Paul] was like when I followed the Jewish religion—how I violently persecuted God’s church. I did my best to destroy it.1 Timothy 1:12-13I [Paul] thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength to do his work. He considered me trustworthy and appointed me to serve him, even though I used to blaspheme the name of Christ. In my insolence, I persecuted his people. But God had mercy on me because I did it in ignorance and unbelief.John the Baptist called abusive members of the Jewish religious leadership to repentance. Jesus also confronted their abuse. But time and again, the Pharisees and the Sadducees chose to respond violently to Jesus and his followers. One man in particular, Saul, made it his mission to stomp out the early church. Yet by God’s grace, it was this man whose eyes were opened—and who went on to write much of the New Testament. The majority of abusers do not repent, and we should be cautious of those who have proven themselves untrustworthy. However, God can—and does—touch the hearts of even the greatest sinners.

Question 7

I care about an abuser in my life. Sometimes I think my abuser is changing, but then it happens again. What should I do?

Accepted Answer

Genesis 3:12-13The man replied, “It was the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit, and I ate it.” . . . “The serpent deceived me,” she [the woman] replied. “That’s why I ate it.”1 Samuel 24:8-10, 16-17David came out and shouted after him, “My lord the king!” And when Saul looked around, David bowed low before him. Then he shouted to Saul, “Why do you listen to the people who say I am trying to harm you? This very day you can see with your own eyes it isn’t true. For the Lord placed you at my mercy back there in the cave. Some of my men told me to kill you, but I spared you. For I said, ‘I will never harm the king—he is the Lord’s anointed one.’” . . . When David had finished speaking, Saul called back, “Is that really you, my son David?” Then he began to cry. And he said to David, “You are a better man than I am, for you have repaid me good for evil.”Psalm 32:5Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.” And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.Psalm 51:14, 16-17Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves; then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness. . . . You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.An abuser’s openness to changing can be deceptive. Sometimes, such as with Adam and Eve, an abuser may blame others for their actions, refusing to take responsibility. Other times, like when Samuel confronted Saul, an abuser may deny their wrongdoing until pressed, then apologize out of a selfish hope of lessening the consequences. Saul regretted being caught, but he wasn’t truly sorry for what he’d done. Sometimes, there is a genuine sense of guilt and empathy, as Saul had toward David—yet this guilt and empathy isn’t strong enough to inspire long-term change (1 Samuel 26:1-2). In this case, Saul had remorse for his actions, but his jealousy and paranoia of David was stronger. David knew this, and even though Saul expressed remorse and chose not to fight David that day, David stayed in hiding to avoid Saul’s anger—which proved to be a wise decision.It is only when an abuser recognizes the depth of their sin, accepts full responsibility, and truly commits to living differently that repentance is possible. Sometimes, a firm and honest confrontation can inspire that repentance, just as when Nathan confronted David in 2 Samuel 12. It takes wisdom and discernment to know whether someone is an unrepentant Saul or a repentant David, but in either case, passivity enables further abuse. Pray over whether God is calling you to keep distant from a Saul, or whether he is calling you to confront a David.Proverbs 19:19Hot-tempered people must pay the penalty. If you rescue them once, you will have to do it again.Revelation 3:19“I correct and discipline everyone I love. So be diligent and turn from your indifference.”Abuse happens according to predictable patterns. There may be times of peace between the incidents, but if an abuser is permitted to act without consequences, it will happen again. Enforcing consequences, such as by distancing from the abuser (1 Corinthians 5:11) or taking the matter to others (Matthew 18:15-17) may be necessary to fully break the cycle.Jeremiah 38:15Jeremiah said, “If I tell you the truth, you will kill me. And if I give you advice, you won’t listen to me anyway.”Matthew 12:10-14He [Jesus] noticed a man with a deformed hand. The Pharisees asked Jesus, “Does the law permit a person to work by healing on the Sabbath?” (They were hoping he would say yes, so they could bring charges against him.) And he answered, “If you had a sheep that fell into a well on the Sabbath, wouldn’t you work to pull it out? Of course you would. And how much more valuable is a person than a sheep! Yes, the law permits a person to do good on the Sabbath.” Then he said to the man,“Hold out your hand.” So the man held out his hand, and it was restored, just like the other one! Then the Pharisees called a meeting to plot how to kill Jesus.Matthew 23:37“O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God’s messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn’t let me.”Abusers relish power and control, whether they are like the political leaders who threatened to kill Jeremiah or the Pharisees who plotted to kill Jesus. Often, an honest confrontation will inspire greater anger from an abuser. If you are in a situation where an abuser’s anger could cause harm to you or others, it may be wiser to escape the abuser than to confront them.Matthew 5:44“But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!”Romans 10:1Dear brothers and sisters, the longing of my heart and my prayer to God is for the people of Israel to be saved.James 5:19-20My dear brothers and sisters, if someone among you wanders away from the truth and is brought back, you can be sure that whoever brings the sinner back from wandering will save that person from death and bring about the forgiveness of many sins.2 Peter 3:9The Lord isn’t really being slow about his promise, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent.1 John 5:14We are confident that he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him.Redemption is possible, even for those who persecute us. That does not mean we should enable them to harm us and others, but it does mean we should love and pray for them as Christ called us to do. Ultimately, our abuser’s salvation is outside our control—but not outside God’s power.

Question 8

Will God forgive a person who is guilty of abuse?

Accepted Answer

Luke 23:34Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.”Acts 2:21“But everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”God will forgive any sin, not just certain ones. His mercy is available to anyone who turns to him in repentance, regardless of their past.2 Chronicles 33:6, 13Manasseh also sacrificed his own sons in the fire in the valley of Ben-Hinnom. He practiced sorcery, divination, and witchcraft, and he consulted with mediums and psychics. He did much that was evil in the Lord’s sight, arousing his anger. . . . And when he prayed, the Lord listened to him and was moved by his request. So the Lord brought Manasseh back to Jerusalem and to his kingdom. Then Manasseh finally realized that the Lord alone is God!Manasseh was one of the most wicked kings in Judah’s history, abusive to the point of burning his own sons on an altar. Later in life, however, he sought God’s forgiveness and God did forgive him, transforming him into a man who did great things for his nation out of his love for God. No sinner is too wicked for God to save; no sin is too vile for God to forgive. His mercy is available to anyone who calls on him, regardless of their past. If you are an abuser, you must still accept the consequences for your sins, but you are not out reach of God’s forgiveness if your heart is truly sincere in desiring change.

Question 9

Should the physical discipline of my child be considered abuse?

Accepted Answer

Proverbs 13:24Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.Proverbs 29:15, 17To discipline a child produces wisdom, but a mother is disgraced by an undisciplined child. . . . Discipline your children, and they will give you peace of mind and will make your heart glad.Ephesians 6:4Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.Colossians 3:21Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged.Hebrews 12:9-11Since we respected our earthly fathers who disciplined us, shouldn’t we submit even more to the discipline of the Father of our spirits, and live forever? For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God’s discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in his holiness. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.The Bible clearly advocates discipline of children, even allowing for the use of physical discipline. But must be done lovingly and with restraint. Discipline applied in anger leads to abuse and violence. Such “discipline” is undisciplined and is itself sinful—and can inspire similar sin in our children.1 Corinthians 4:15Even if you had ten thousand others to teach you about Christ, you have only one spiritual father. For I became your father in Christ Jesus when I preached the Good News to you.1 Corinthians 11:1You should imitate me, just as I imitate Christ.Hebrews 12:9-10Since we respected our earthly fathers who disciplined us, shouldn’t we submit even more to the discipline of the Father of our spirits, and live forever? For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God’s discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in his holiness.Paul served as a spiritual parent to the Corinthians, and sometimes that required disciplining his spiritual children (see 1 Corinthians 5). At all times, Paul bore the heavy responsibility of imitating Christ so his “children” could learn to do the same. We also have this responsibility. When we discipline our children, we may be limited in our knowledge of how best to do it (Hebrews 12:10). However, we know that God disciplines out of love, and we must do the same. The more we learn to imitate Christ, the more naturally our discipline will flow from truth and love rather than pride, anger, or frustration.

Question 10

What is the best way to change my abusive patterns?

Accepted Answer

Romans 13:10Love does no wrong to others.1 Corinthians 13:4-6Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.Love restrains us from abusing others—physically or in any other way. This is not a roller-coaster love based on feelings, but a rock-solid commitment to protect and nurture regardless of our feelings at a particular moment. Violence or abuse against another is never done in the name of love.