How can I end an abusive situation?

Proverbs 19:19Hot-tempered people must pay the penalty. If you rescue them once, you will have to do it again.

Proverbs 22:24-25Don’t befriend angry people or associate with hot-tempered people, or you will learn to be like them and endanger your soul.

2 Thessalonians 3:6We give you this command in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ: Stay away from all believers who live idle lives and don’t follow the tradition they received from us.

If someone is abusive and dangerous, you may need to cut them out of your life until they truly repent and change. Scripture supports this, particularly in instances where someone who claims to be a believer is living in bold, unrepentant sin. In your personal life, that could involve separating from a friend or family member.

Matthew 10:15“I tell you the truth, the wicked cities of Sodom and Gomorrah will be better off than such a town on the judgment day.”

Matthew 18:15-17“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.”

1 Corinthians 5:5-6, 11-12Then you must throw this man out and hand him over to Satan so that his sinful nature will be destroyed and he himself will be saved on the day the Lord returns. Your boasting about this is terrible. Don’t you realize that this sin is like a little yeast that spreads through the whole batch of dough? . . . I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don’t even eat with such people. It isn’t my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your responsibility to judge those inside the church who are sinning.

Ephesians 5:11Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them.

1 Peter 2:12Be careful to live properly among your unbelieving neighbors. Then even if they accuse you of doing wrong, they will see your honorable behavior, and they will give honor to God when he judges the world.

In a public context, such as church, ending abuse may involve separating that individual from the group. Paul’s advice in 1 Corinthians 5 is not only for the health of the church, but also for the salvation of the abuser. A public excommunication forces the abuser to face the consequences of their sin pattern, and has the potential to prompt remorse and repentance. With that said, not every church has a biblical system of church discipline in place, and not every pastor is equipped for dealing with an issue like abuse. Abusers are often persuasive and charming, and it can be hard for church members to believe the ugly truth. If the abuser is in a position of church leadership themselves, the situation becomes even more complicated—and more urgent.

Confronting the ugliness of human sin is never easy, and it can be particularly painful in a church context, but allowing sin to fester within the church allows it to spread and harm others. In time, this rotten core spreads to the outside, tainting the church’s witness to the world. Perhaps God is calling you to leave and seek a healthier church for spiritual nourishment. Perhaps God is calling you to stay and confront the rot to save the rest. Pray deeply over such a challenging decision, trusting God with your fears and the future (Psalm 46; 1 Timothy 1:7).

Romans 13:4The authorities are God’s servants, sent for your good. But if you are doing wrong, of course you should be afraid, for they have the power to punish you. They are God’s servants, sent for the very purpose of punishing those who do what is wrong.

1 Peter 2:13-14For the Lord’s sake, submit to all human authority—whether the king as head of state, or the officials he has appointed. For the king has sent them to punish those who do wrong and to honor those who do right.

In some severe abuse situations, it may be necessary to call for law enforcement to step in. This can provide safety and empowerment for the one being abused. Making a report can be difficult without knowing how law enforcement and the abuser will respond to the intervention. Make sure you have sought counsel and support, prayed, and considered your options before reporting (Psalm 105:4; Proverbs 19:2). Such decisions are incredibly difficult and painful, but we are not left to face them alone. God’s Holy Spirit is with us every step of the way, giving us courage to do what is right (2 Timothy 1:7; Joshua 1:9).