I care about an abuser in my life. Sometimes I think my abuser is changing, but then it happens again. What should I do?

Genesis 3:12-13The man replied, “It was the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit, and I ate it.” . . . “The serpent deceived me,” she [the woman] replied. “That’s why I ate it.”

1 Samuel 24:8-10, 16-17David came out and shouted after him, “My lord the king!” And when Saul looked around, David bowed low before him. Then he shouted to Saul, “Why do you listen to the people who say I am trying to harm you? This very day you can see with your own eyes it isn’t true. For the Lord placed you at my mercy back there in the cave. Some of my men told me to kill you, but I spared you. For I said, ‘I will never harm the king—he is the Lord’s anointed one.’” . . . When David had finished speaking, Saul called back, “Is that really you, my son David?” Then he began to cry. And he said to David, “You are a better man than I am, for you have repaid me good for evil.”

Psalm 32:5Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.” And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.

Psalm 51:14, 16-17Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves; then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness. . . . You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.

An abuser’s openness to changing can be deceptive. Sometimes, such as with Adam and Eve, an abuser may blame others for their actions, refusing to take responsibility. Other times, like when Samuel confronted Saul, an abuser may deny their wrongdoing until pressed, then apologize out of a selfish hope of lessening the consequences. Saul regretted being caught, but he wasn’t truly sorry for what he’d done. Sometimes, there is a genuine sense of guilt and empathy, as Saul had toward David—yet this guilt and empathy isn’t strong enough to inspire long-term change (1 Samuel 26:1-2). In this case, Saul had remorse for his actions, but his jealousy and paranoia of David was stronger. David knew this, and even though Saul expressed remorse and chose not to fight David that day, David stayed in hiding to avoid Saul’s anger—which proved to be a wise decision.

It is only when an abuser recognizes the depth of their sin, accepts full responsibility, and truly commits to living differently that repentance is possible. Sometimes, a firm and honest confrontation can inspire that repentance, just as when Nathan confronted David in 2 Samuel 12. It takes wisdom and discernment to know whether someone is an unrepentant Saul or a repentant David, but in either case, passivity enables further abuse. Pray over whether God is calling you to keep distant from a Saul, or whether he is calling you to confront a David.

Proverbs 19:19Hot-tempered people must pay the penalty. If you rescue them once, you will have to do it again.

Revelation 3:19“I correct and discipline everyone I love. So be diligent and turn from your indifference.”

Abuse happens according to predictable patterns. There may be times of peace between the incidents, but if an abuser is permitted to act without consequences, it will happen again. Enforcing consequences, such as by distancing from the abuser (1 Corinthians 5:11) or taking the matter to others (Matthew 18:15-17) may be necessary to fully break the cycle.

Jeremiah 38:15Jeremiah said, “If I tell you the truth, you will kill me. And if I give you advice, you won’t listen to me anyway.”

Matthew 12:10-14He [Jesus] noticed a man with a deformed hand. The Pharisees asked Jesus, “Does the law permit a person to work by healing on the Sabbath?” (They were hoping he would say yes, so they could bring charges against him.) And he answered, “If you had a sheep that fell into a well on the Sabbath, wouldn’t you work to pull it out? Of course you would. And how much more valuable is a person than a sheep! Yes, the law permits a person to do good on the Sabbath.” Then he said to the man,“Hold out your hand.” So the man held out his hand, and it was restored, just like the other one! Then the Pharisees called a meeting to plot how to kill Jesus.

Matthew 23:37“O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God’s messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn’t let me.”

Abusers relish power and control, whether they are like the political leaders who threatened to kill Jeremiah or the Pharisees who plotted to kill Jesus. Often, an honest confrontation will inspire greater anger from an abuser. If you are in a situation where an abuser’s anger could cause harm to you or others, it may be wiser to escape the abuser than to confront them.

Matthew 5:44“But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!”

Romans 10:1Dear brothers and sisters, the longing of my heart and my prayer to God is for the people of Israel to be saved.

James 5:19-20My dear brothers and sisters, if someone among you wanders away from the truth and is brought back, you can be sure that whoever brings the sinner back from wandering will save that person from death and bring about the forgiveness of many sins.

2 Peter 3:9The Lord isn’t really being slow about his promise, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent.

1 John 5:14We are confident that he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him.

Redemption is possible, even for those who persecute us. That does not mean we should enable them to harm us and others, but it does mean we should love and pray for them as Christ called us to do. Ultimately, our abuser’s salvation is outside our control—but not outside God’s power.