Clashing Personalities

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.” (Matthew 5:9, ESV)

When Jennifer and Jay got married, everyone agreed they were perfect for each other. But their happy life disintegrated when Jay’s adult daughter seemed to relish stirring up trouble in the family.

Jay’s daughter was never happy with anyone he dated, and after he and Jennifer married, his daughter declared Jennifer and her kids would “never be my family.”

For five years, Jennifer has experienced a lot of meanness and back biting from her stepdaughter, and now she wonders if she will ever experience a loving family atmosphere.

I can sympathize with Jennifer, can’t you? A loving family is what all of us dream of. Everyone hopes their children and stepchildren will get along and that there will be acceptance and forgiveness throughout the family.

Unfortunately, there is no formula to make that happen. Some personalities are not going to accept new family members, no matter how you try to persuade them. Many people in Jennifer’s situation have tried many ways to win their stepchildren’s affections—money, gifts, favors—but for some family members, nothing will ever be enough. There will always be a reason to find offense.

This isn’t just an issue for blended families, though. This kind of turmoil happens in biological families too. Often parents are faced with a son- or daughter-in-law who has a difficult disposition. And even biological children can disown their parents or hold grudges for years or even decades.

The apostle Paul said, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Romans 12:18). But notice that he said “if possible” and “so far as it depends on you.” The apostle leaves these caveats because he knows we can’t change another person’s heart. There comes a point where we’ve done all we can do, and now it’s up to the other person to do their part.

There will be personalities that don’t fit well with yours, and most of the time, there’s little you can do to change that. But there are two things you can do.

First, you can pray. Even though there is little we can do to change hearts, God can do a lot to change a heart. Keep praying for a miracle. As long as that person has breath, God can soften their heart.

Second, you can prevent your own bitterness. It’s easy to get resentful toward a person who gets in the way of your family’s happiness. But if that person ever comes to the point where they are ready to make amends, you don’t want to be so bitter that you become the roadblock to your family’s reconciliation.

There’s no guarantee that everyone in your family will get along. There’s not even a guarantee that they will eventually come around. All you can do is wait and see. In the meantime, invest in the healthy relationships you do have and don’t give up hope.

Prayer: Lord, soften the heart of this child who has created so much pain in our lives. Bring him or her to repentance. And keep my own heart soft so that I’m ready to extend forgiveness and move forward in reconciliation.