Recognize Grief

“Weep with those who weep.” (Romans 12:15, ESV)

When a man and woman combine families, they see it as a fresh start and a time to celebrate. The lonely nights are over, and this new relationship offers stability and hope.

But your children often see the marriage differently. To many kids, it’s a symbol of loss. Their normal lives are over, and they have many fears. Some don’t accept or trust a stepparent. They may feel a sense of loyalty to their biological parent. Many children never stopped hoping their biological parents would get back together, and this new marriage ended that dream.

Kids also have other losses and fears regarding stepsiblings. They may struggle with their new identity. Maybe the oldest child who had privileges and responsibilities is now the middle child. Maybe one child is used to being an only child, and now there are siblings to share with. Or maybe a daughter is used to being the only girl and now she has sisters.

Adults always say, “Kids are resilient.” And they are. But they also need some grace and understanding as they navigate their way through this mess of blending families. Your children are likely experiencing a lot of grief, and they will be more resilient in the long run if you give them some room to be sad and frustrated.

It’s not always easy to hear a child complain, especially when emotions are high. It can come across as disrespectful and irrational. But kids are just kids. They don’t know how to express what they feel. Sometimes they just need to let off a little steam to someone with an understanding ear.

This is when many parents in our culture call a therapist or put kids on medication. But I strongly encourage you not to do that unless a child has severe psychological or suicidal problems. Therapy or medication often gives a healthy child the impression that he or she is the problem. But their “problem” is a normal reaction to a very chaotic and emotionally confusing circumstance that they don’t have control over nor the maturity to process.

Instead of therapists and medication, the biological parent should check in with their kids on a regular basis. Look for signs of emotional distress. That includes severe anxiety, depression, emotional outbursts, or strange behavior (partying, spending too much time alone, or a sudden drop in grades or interests).

Some parents have a regular date with their kids to talk about life. For me, I spent 15 minutes every night putting my kids to bed. Sometimes that 15 minutes turned into 30 or 45. But I always asked them about their feelings, fears, and any strange behavior I noticed.

It really doesn’t matter what the kids say or don’t say during these times. They just need to know that you see their struggle and that you care—not a therapist, pastor, or teacher, but you—the parent they are afraid of losing.

Reflection: Make a plan to spend regular time with your kids and put it on your calendar. Besides strengthening your marriage, this is the best investment to keep your blended family well.