Strengthen Your Marriage

“Let marriage be held in honor among all.” (Hebrews 13:4, ESV)

My oldest child, Ben, was only five years old when I remarried. I thought it would be easy for him to bond with his new dad, especially because he had no memory of his biological father who died when he was two.

But bonding wasn’t easy. Even though Ben wasn’t even in kindergarten yet, he felt that his position as “man of the house” was threatened by this new male stranger. My little boy recoiled at being told what to do by my husband, and he often let me know how he felt about it.

I always took my husband’s side, though, at least within earshot of my son. And one day, my precocious little boy put two and two together. He demanded to know, “Do you love him more than you love me?”

Being in the middle of a feud between my spouse and child was a miserable place to be. You’ve probably had a similar experience. You can only play referee for so long until one of them, usually the child, makes you choose a side, just like my son did.

In a case like this, assuming there is no abuse, I always encourage people to choose the side of their spouse. That advice often surprises people because kids are bystanders in a blended family situation. They didn’t choose to be in a relationship with your new spouse. You did.

But if your blended family is going to survive the first few crucial and turbulent years, the marriage relationship must be strong. The relationship with the kids can catch up later, but the bond between husband and wife is the foundation, and you can’t build your family on it if it’s too fragile.

In addition, a strong marriage creates the best environment for your children to flourish. Kids are destabilized by change, making them more emotional and afraid. But a stable home environment between parents gives kids the best chance of regaining their own stability.

In my case, I realized my son wasn’t really questioning my love for him. He already knew I loved him. What he really wanted to know was where he ranked on the level of importance. In other words, he wanted to know who gets preference: me or my new dad?

I didn’t fall for my son’s comparison trap that day. I didn’t give him the answer he demanded. But I did remind my son that Robbie promised to be here for the rest of my life, while Ben would leave one day for his own wife. My son had to know that Robbie was the man in my life now, not him.

We love our kids so much, and we want to protect them from all the sad feelings that come with blended families. So it’s tempting to side with the kids in every conflict. But if you will focus on strengthening your marriage and support your spouse, God will use that firm foundation to strengthen the whole family in the long run.

Prayer: Dear Father, please give me the strength to focus on strengthening my marriage, even when it seems like everyone is miserable. I’m trusting you that if I keep honoring my vows, my children will eventually benefit from our loving God-honoring relationship.