Weighing Your Words

CORE PRACTICE #73: Watch what you say—even the truth can wound when it’s spoken in the wrong way or at the wrong time.

A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. The tongue of the wise makes knowledge appealing, but the mouth of a fool belches out foolishness.

—Proverbs 15:1-2

TONY

A number of pastors and their wives attended a three-day retreat. During one session, they were invited to tell a story about how God was working in their lives and ministries. One young woman stood up nervously. She said, “The Bible promises, ‘No good thing will [the Lord] withhold from them that walk uprightly.’ Well,” she said with great feeling, “my husband is one of those ‘no good things’!”^a

All of us misspeak at times. I can’t tell you how many times I have said something and wished I could reach out, grab the words, and stuff them back into my mouth before they reached Lauren’s ears. I fight the tendency to allow my tongue to have its own way. As the apostle James reminds us:

The tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness . . . Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right! (3:6, 9-10)

It may seem fairly inconsequential to tell someone “That’s stupid,” or “That’s the dumbest thing I have ever heard you say.” But even when those words aren’t spoken in anger, they tend to hurt and wound. And when they are directed toward your spouse—well, they hurt even more.

Sometimes we make the situation worse by trying to minimize the damage. How many times have you found yourself saying, “That’s not what I meant,” “You misunderstood,” or “I’m sorry that’s how it came across”? I know I do that too often.

Of course, a cutting remark tends to elicit a sharp answer. When something is said to me that rubs me the wrong way, I have to fight the impulse to strike back. The apostle Paul encourages you and me to “let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone” (Colossians 4:6). In this section of his letter, Paul is telling the Colossians how to live the new life they have received in Christ. Knowing how impossible it is to live this way—and to speak graciously—in our own strength, he adds, “Remember the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love” (Colossians 3:13-14). In other words, speaking graciously may not be as easy as it first appears!

Of course, weighing our words before speaking doesn’t mean we never have difficult conversations with each other. In all things and at all times, we need to share the truth. But according to the apostle Paul, it’s when we “speak the truth in love” that we grow “more and more like Christ” (Ephesians 4:15). That means taking care not to wound unnecessarily with our words. Sometimes we may need to wait—to leave something unsaid—until our anger has cooled and we can measure our thoughts. At other times, it’s best to allow someone else, whose words will be better received than ours, to speak candidly.

Talk may be cheap, but it can exact a high price. By choosing our words carefully and delivering them in a caring tone of voice, we will help make our home the most uplifting and safest place in the world for our family.

Adventure Application: What words have you said to your spouse this week that you wish you could take back? Why not run them by your husband or wife, asking for forgiveness if necessary?