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CORE PRACTICE #74: Avoid frustration and seek to understand each other’s heart by praying together and talking with each other.

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. —James 1:19

Lauren

Ken met his future wife at church. With her blonde hair and wide smile, she was a beautiful woman, inside and out. Everyone who met her adored her. An accomplished author and speaker, she had traveled the world. Ken enjoyed talking with her, and soon he asked her out on a date. Within a year, the couple had married. It sounds like the ideal love story, right? So why had so many of his friends wondered why he was attracted to her?

Fifteen years before their wedding, Ken’s wife, Joni, had become a quadriplegic after a diving accident. The first months and years that followed were excruciating for her. By the time she and Ken met, however, both were in their early thirties and had successful careers. Ken was a high school teacher and coach; Joni was a bestselling author, painter, and the founder of Joni and Friends, a ministry dedicated to others with disabilities.

Despite their deep love for each other, Ken began to wear out just a few years after they married. In addition to helping Joni with day-to-day needs, like dressing and putting on makeup, he taught all day and did all their shopping in the evenings.

Eventually, Ken told Joni he felt trapped and worn out. But, he added, he also felt guilty for feeling that way.

“If I were you,” Joni told him, “I’d feel exactly the same way.”^a

As difficult as that conversation was, it appears to have freed them to be more open with each other. They refused to look at each other as the enemy; instead, they sought more outside help and made it a point to affirm the other. To remain centered, they read the Bible and prayed together.

So often, frustration mounts between a couple because they fear each other’s reaction to their struggles and doubts. Yet those who build strong marriages aren’t afraid to admit these difficulties; they do, however, avoid using them to hurt or take advantage of their spouse. They see themselves as allies who want the best for their marriage and aren’t afraid of the hard work needed to build a lasting relationship. They make time to speak and to listen to each other. And rather than bury conflict, they bring it into the light and hash it out.

When I read the story of the Tadas’ marriage recently, I noticed a couple of similarities to our own. Like us, Joni and Ken married in the summer of 1982. They frequently speak and minister together. And, like me, Joni encouraged her husband to pursue his interest in fishing (though Ken prefers fly-fishing; Tony, saltwater fishing). As you now know, the Tadas also value open and honest communication—and that may be the most important similarity of all.

Adventure Application: On a scale of 1 to 10, how safe would each of you say you feel with the other? It’s okay to admit that you’ve drifted far apart; in fact, when two people who care for each other confess their fears or lament the distance between them, they’ve taken the first step to a closer relationship. If you don’t feel safe—physically or emotionally—with your spouse, it’s time to seek help from an outside counselor.