Two-way Conversation

CORE PRACTICE #67: Pay attention to and use your spouse’s preferred form of communication.

Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. —Ephesians 4:29, 31-32

Lauren

I mentioned earlier how much Tony and I have learned from Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages. Chapman says that if couples are to maintain the level of emotional love they felt when they first married, they must understand and use their spouse’s primary love language. Each of us has a love language that, when “spoken” by our spouse, makes us feel loved. These languages are words of affirmation; quality time; receiving gifts; acts of service; and physical touch.^a

I think these love languages are also related to the way we like to connect with other people. In the early years of our marriage, Tony would watch me as I talked on the phone with my mom for long periods of time. Tony saw that I was a relational person who felt affirmed when I was able to talk with other people. That’s why, when we moved because of his job change, I tried to build friendships as soon as possible, both in the neighborhood and in a new church.

But I also wanted to hear from Tony. And so he would always try to call me, in between meetings and practices, even if we could talk for only a few minutes. He also knew that spending time with him was important to me, so we did our best to carve out time for regular evening walks together.

It worked both ways. I needed to take even the smallest opportunity to express my appreciation for Tony and what he did for me and the children. That, I had quickly discovered, was very affirming to him. Because of that, I intentionally sought out those moments when I could encourage him.

What’s important to me or to Tony might not resonate with you. That’s okay. We all have different preferences when it comes to communicating and listening to each other. We’re different in what makes us feel affirmed, respected, and loved. You may feel cared for when your spouse gives you a word of support; you might prefer that he or she simply listen without speaking or trying to fix things.

As we grow under God’s protective and guiding hand, it’s important to remember that He created each of us as unique individuals, but He also brought us together. No matter what we face, we can find a pathway to resolution and peace if we seek to honor each other—and maybe even ask our Creator to show us the love language He’s hardwired into our spouse.

Adventure Application: If you and your spouse have identified your love language, talk for a few minutes about how it affects the way you like to communicate with others. If you’ve never given your love languages much thought, you might visit http://www.5lovelanguages.com/, which provides much more information.