Of One Mind

CORE PRACTICE #68: Ask whether you both have peace and are on the same page before committing to a major decision.

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. —Philippians 4:6-7

Lauren

I think Tony first knew something was up when I told him, “Boy, this house is really quiet.”

We had moved to Tampa a few years before, and now that we were settled and our three kids were in school all day, I felt God beginning to speak to me as I asked Him what His plans were for us. Not only had I always wanted a large family, but because Tony and I had been foster parents and my own mom and dad had adopted two children late in life, I sensed God nudging me to explore that option.

When I pray and God tugs at my heart about something He wants me to do, I know I need to be obedient. I was ready to begin exploring adoption. Yet I knew this decision wasn’t mine alone to make.

While I believe sacrifice and compromise are sometimes called for from both partners, we need to move with caution when asking our spouse to consider a “major” change. Adoption is one such issue. While adding a child to the family always brings joy, it also may require great commitment and sacrifice.

When I first discussed adoption, Tony was hesitant because of his age. He wondered whether it was the right time. We talked a great deal about that, and he was open to my getting more information. Just as I had been supportive of his passion for football, he wanted to hear my heart on adoption. Both of us knew, however, that this wasn’t an area for compromise. We weren’t going to weigh how strongly I was for it versus how strongly Tony was against it. If Tony wasn’t on board, we wouldn’t proceed.

In fact, Tony and I tell couples it’s never wise to adopt if both spouses aren’t behind that decision. Likewise, decisions such as whether to move cross country, start a new business, or add on to your house need to be carefully discussed by both spouses. If you aren’t on the same page, consider that a warning sign to proceed with caution before moving ahead. There’s almost always more time to reach a mutual decision; it’s usually much harder to undo one.

After I’d done some research on adoption and we’d discussed how we felt about moving ahead, Tony and I agreed it was worth meeting with a caseworker. After I’d asked a number of questions, she looked at Tony and said, “Mr. Dungy, you’ve been awfully quiet. Do you have anything you’d like to ask?”

Tony said, “I have just one question. If we decide to do this, how long is this going to take?”

“If you’re interested in an African American or biracial child,” she said, “you could take a child home in a month.”

That answer stunned Tony, who had just watched as one of the Bucs’ assistant coaches welcomed his adopted son after more than a yearlong process. When Tony heard that we could have a child that quickly, he took it as God’s confirmation that our family—with more than enough love and resources to go around—should adopt a child. It wasn’t enough to call ourselves pro-life and encourage women not to have abortions. We had to step up and honor the decision of a woman in that situation.

Not long after, one-day-old Jordan joined our family. Since our next youngest child, Eric, was nine at the time, I soon told Tony I wanted to adopt one more baby so Jordan wouldn’t grow up feeling like an only child.

But since that time, we have adopted five more children. “I should have known it wasn’t going to be just one more,” Tony likes to joke.

Adventure Application: How satisfied are you with your process for making major decisions? Do you both feel valued and included? Are there any decisions that you should discuss even now?