Too Fatigued To Fight

CORE PRACTICE #83: Don’t try resolving major disagreements when you’re tired.

Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy. . . . And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil. . . . Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. —Ephesians 4:24, 26-27, 29

TONY

Nathan tells a story about a heated exchange late one night between him and his wife, Amy, early in their marriage. Amy, exhausted after a long day of teaching elementary school students, finally headed to the bedroom. Nathan followed her and began pacing around their bed.

Nathan doesn’t recall the substance of the conflict or its ultimate resolution, but he remembers clearly standing over the bed and telling Amy, “The Bible says we aren’t going to go to bed angry, so you should sit up and let’s talk and figure this out!”

Two guesses as to what didn’t get resolved that night.

And to make matters even worse, by the time Nathan gave up, he’d made matters worse with words spoken out of frustration, irritation, and fatigue. Lauren and I have learned all too well that at times, it’s simply better to wait to resolve an issue.

On the other hand, we’ve long believed in not letting things fester. As the apostle Paul says in Ephesians, we shouldn’t allow anything to drive a wedge between us. But we’re not sure his admonition is designed to be ironclad. Yes, we need to take care of things in short order. We should not let an area of conflict grow and expand, taking on a life of its own. At the same time, God calls us to be wise. The end of a long day, when our weariness may be affecting our emotions, is often not the best time to try and interject reason into a conversation. We may just have to let go of our anger without resolving the situation. Paul doesn’t say we have to solve every problem before the sun goes down, but that we shouldn’t be angry with each other.

Some nights, Lauren and I have agreed to take a deep breath and wait until the next morning to talk through a disagreement. Things usually seem clearer when the sun is up and we’re well rested. It may also be smart to wait to resolve conflict if you or your spouse is feeling under the weather or has experienced a great deal of stress on the job that day.

Lauren and I have come to realize that we love each other enough to avoid saying anything that we might regret when we’re tired. In fact, while we give both Nathan and Amy credit for being willing to admit an area of disagreement, we think Amy may actually have been the wiser one that night long ago!

Adventure Application: Take a few minutes to discuss some times when it might not be best to try resolving a disagreement—whether late at night or in the car or just after either one of you gets home from work. Be sure to discuss the opposite too—when might be the best times to engage about areas of conflict?