Grace In Grief

CORE PRACTICE #84: Allow each other to grieve differently, but be open to your spouse’s need to talk.

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. —2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Lauren

It’s so hard to know what to say or to do when someone is grieving over the loss of a loved one. We are often concerned about intruding or maybe saying something that doesn’t help or, even worse, is insensitive and upsets them.

For some reason, it doesn’t seem any easier when the grieving person is a loved one. Even then, there are simply no magic words to take the pain of the loss away, which often leaves us feeling helpless. That is true even with two spouses who know and dearly love each other. But when we don’t know what to say or do, Tony and I have learned the importance of making sure we’re present for each other, even if we don’t say a word.

The death of his mom and dad were deep personal losses for Tony. His parents molded and fashioned who he is, and I love how they helped nurture and grow him into the man he is today. He needed time to grieve their loss. It was the same for me when my dad passed away. Tony was so supportive, through listening to me and talking when I wanted, but he also gave me space when I needed it.

But the grief we experienced when we lost our son Jamie is beyond anything we could ever have imagined. Although we didn’t understand why he took his life, we realized that God saw the whole picture, and we trusted Him to help us through this time of despair. Tony and I had spoken publicly about our Christian faith, praising God for all the good things in our life. Now that we were grieving, we realized we had an opportunity to stand up and say that, even though everything was far from great or perfect, we still trusted and loved the Lord. We knew that just as He had been with us in all the good and sad times in the past, He would be there for us in that most difficult time.

Our grieving was not by the clock. Tony and I had different moments of deep sorrow. At times, one of us seemed to do better on a particular day, only to be overcome by feelings of sadness the next day. We quickly learned to respect and support each other even when our feelings were far apart.

On those tough days, we could relate to C. S. Lewis’s experience after the death of his wife, Joy:

In grief nothing “stays put.” One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?

But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?

How often—will it be for always?—how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, “I never realized my loss till this moment”?^a

And, of course, in the moments of greatest despair, we clung most tightly to God’s promises of comfort, such as the example in 2 Corinthians above. In the end, we realized that this was the only answer we had when we wondered how we would make it through a particular day—and, in the end, we realized it was enough to carry us through.

Adventure Application: Consider the quote from C. S. Lewis on ^b. How does it speak to you when it comes to the pain of dealing with your own grief or of reaching out to a friend, coworker, or acquaintance who has experienced a great loss?