Making The Most Of Conflict

CORE PRACTICE #82: Don’t fear conflict; use it as a tool to understand each other better.

Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him. In this new life . . . Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us. Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. —Colossians 3:10-13

Lauren

I find it ironic that some of the best experiences in life—getting married, having a baby, starting a new job, moving—often cause the most stress. Our family was excited about our move to Tampa in 1996, and about a year after Tony took the coaching job there, we began building a new home. The builder estimated it would take six to nine months to complete; in the end, it took almost nineteen months.

Stress, of course, can lead to conflict, and this was one time in our marriage when we found ourselves arguing more than usual. For the most part, our disagreements centered on minor issues like cost overruns and delays, but it was a good reminder that sometimes minor squabbles can create an undercurrent of tension in a marriage.

So does that mean couples should avoid conflict altogether? Conventional wisdom once said so, although over the past few decades some marriage experts dispute that. John Gottman, a psychologist who has spent forty years researching marriages, contends that couples who openly quarrel—sometimes loudly—may have strong marriages. The key seems to be validating the other person’s emotions and being respectful even when the spouses strongly disagree with each other. Couples who regularly engage in personal criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling, on the other hand, are likely to be unhappy.^a

Of course, when most people hear the word conflict, they experience an uncomfortable visceral response. Yet as Gottman discovered, conflict can actually be a positive part of marriage. “We grow in our relationships by reconciling our differences,” he says. “That’s how we become more loving people and truly experience the fruits of marriage.”^b

During the five times we relocated during Tony’s coaching career, we gained plenty of practice at defusing conflict. Moving wasn’t all that easy on the children or me; fortunately, Tony was sensitive to the challenges the kids and I faced.

The two of us learned how important it was to “stay in the room” with each other so we could talk, listen, and really hear what the other was saying. Sometimes we even stopped to bathe our time of discussion in prayer. That usually defused the tension, and we were able to reconcile our differences relatively quickly. And each of us owned and supported the decision because we had given input and been heard.

No matter how long you’ve been married or how much you love and respect each other, conflict is inevitable. We’ve discovered it’s never settled once and for all. And in that way it’s somewhat like our house. Tony and I were so relieved when we finally moved our family into our new home in the summer of 1998 that we figured we had put any changes behind us. But as our family expanded, our house has had to as well.

Adventure Application: What’s an area in which you’ve recently had conflict? If you have been afraid to reengage about any area in which you disagree, set aside enough time to allow each of you to express your heart on the matter. If you have trouble really listening to your spouse, keep a notepad nearby to make notes while listening. That way you will remember a point you want to come back to without interrupting your partner while he or she is speaking.