Getting To A Win-win

CORE PRACTICE #79: Resolve conflict by trying to understand each other and talking about the best way forward.

Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. —Philippians 2:3-7

TONY

While in law school, our friend and cowriter Nathan took a course taught by Roger Fisher, a professor at Harvard Law School and director of the Harvard Negotiation Project. Fisher consulted on numerous negotiations aimed at brokering peace agreements in business and international politics around the nation and world. Fisher’s book Getting to Yes, which introduced and outlined what Fisher called “principled negotiation” or “win-win negotiation,” was the class textbook.

The essence of Fisher’s approach was not necessarily to try to “win” the negotiation so that the other side was the loser, but instead to try and create the best possible win-win result that would benefit everyone.

To do that, he suggested you had to get past the individual positions and walls of difference that create conflict between parties, whether a husband and wife, two businesses, or two nations. He recommended exploring the interests and needs of both parties by considering questions like: Why does each want what they want? What are their fears in the situation? What do they hope to gain or accomplish in the end?

Although Lauren and I never attended this class, the wisdom of win-win negotiation is clear. We’ve always wanted to reach agreement when making decisions, but it took us a while to recognize how helpful it is to try to understand the why of our expressed “position.” This leads to greater empathy between us and a willingness to try to come to a decision that satisfies us both. And that creates better harmony in our marriage overall.

In Getting to Yes, Fisher and coauthor William Ury illustrate how this might work by telling a brief story about two sisters who are fighting over an orange. Neither sister would budge—each wanted the whole orange. No one asked why. Finally, someone cut the orange in two and gave one half to each girl. The first sister peeled her half, threw away the rind, and ate the pulp. The other sister peeled her half, threw away the pulp, and ground the peel to use to make an orange cake. If someone had bothered to ask why they wanted the orange, each sister could have gotten the “whole orange”—either all of the fruit or all of the rind. That would have been an even better result.^a

When Lauren and I take the time to explore what is important to us and why we feel the way we do about something, we’re much more likely to reach a decision we can agree upon. We definitely get to know each other even better too. That’s what we call a win-win!

Adventure Application: Beginning this week, practice exploring each other’s viewpoint in any situation. Rather than digging in your heels, try putting yourself in your partner’s shoes.