Listen Up

Listen Up

Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

Philippians 2:4

In a New York Times article titled “In One Ear and Out the Other,” Natalie Angier examines the limited power of human memory. Among other things, she explores the common problem of being unable to remember a loved one’s birthday . . . but being perfectly able to sing every word of an old TV theme song. We can all testify to the fact that if you add a little music to something, it’s more likely to be remembered. That’s because the brain is wired to work that way.

Unfortunately, most of us can’t get our spouses to sing a conversation to us (or would desire that!). So when it comes to tuning in to each other, really engaging with one another, we’ve got to master the art of listening. And one of the most neglected fundamentals of listening is to eliminate all the potential barriers on the roadway to effective listening. That means we’ve got to become aware of what is keeping us from doing it. Here’s a list to get you started:

Distractions: cell phones, TV, computers, iPods, magazines, and all the rest. If you want to truly listen to each other, you’ve got to remove these distractions.

Defensiveness: viewing complaints and criticism as a personal attack. Once you become defensive, once you begin to guard yourself, you are no longer truly listening.

Closed-mindedness: unwillingness to consider the opinions and ideas of others. If you’ve already made up your mind and closed the case, you’ll never open your ears.

Projection: attributing your own thoughts and feelings to the other person. Once you lose objectivity, you’ll never hear what’s being said.

Assumption: drawing conclusions about the meaning or intention of what is said. Whenever you jump to conclusions, you convey that you aren’t even interested in listening.

Pride: thinking you have little to learn from others. This is perhaps the most deadly of all distractions to listening. You’ll never unplug your ears if your head is full of yourself.

The fundamental cause of almost all communication problems is that people do not listen to understand—they listen to reply.^a Think about a time you’ve done that. It’s not really a listening posture, is it?

If listening is not striking the right chord in your relationship, if either one of you is feeling misunderstood, this list may be worth pondering. But it’s just a start. What would you say is most likely to get you listening with both ears?

Nature hath given men one tongue but two ears, that we may hear from others twice as much as we speak.

—Epictetus

^a 56