The Time Machine Of Marriage

The Time Machine of Marriage

Cry out for insight, and ask for understanding. Search for them as you would for silver; seek them like hidden treasures.

Proverbs 2:3-4

On the first morning in her new home, a newlywed wife decided to make her husband breakfast. She fixed bacon, eggs, and toast, and poured him a big cup of coffee. After a few bites he said, “It’s not like Mom used to make.”

Trying not to let his comment hurt her feelings, she determined to get up the next morning and try again. The scene repeated itself three more days before the young wife got fed up. The next morning, she cooked two eggs until they were as hard as rubber, incinerated the bacon, and kept putting the bread back in the toaster until it turned black. She gave the coffee the same abuse.

When her husband came to the table, she put his food in front of him and waited. The man sniffed his coffee, took one look at his plate, and said, “Hey! It’s just like Mom used to make!”

There’s a profound truth in this silly story: the home we grew up in shaped forever our expectations. Not all, but many of our fundamental and sometimes quirky expectations stem from yesteryear.

Can you imagine if you had a time machine that enabled you to go back to your spouse’s childhood and quietly observe him or her at home, at school, and with friends? Can you imagine the tremendous insight you would have? You’d be amazed to discover the answers to questions you’ve had about why he or she behaves in certain ways. And you’d be shocked to discover how much easier it is to empathize with your spouse, because you would understand more deeply what your spouse’s life was like. You would have witnessed the times he was chided by his father or befriended by a classmate. You’d have seen her when she felt the most lonely or the most proud.

Of course, technology shows no signs of enabling such time travel, but that doesn’t need to keep you from catching a glimpse of a few scenes from your spouse’s childhood. Set aside some time in the coming days to devote an hour or so to visiting each other’s childhoods. Each of you can pull together photos (maybe even home movies) and memorabilia about your life as a child. Start with your earliest memory and travel through your elementary-school years. Explore not only what happened along this formative time line but also how you felt and what you thought during your most vivid memories. Ask each other questions about important relationships.

Because you’re married, you’ve already done this to some extent, but you’ve probably never done so with such intention. Of course, the choice is yours, but no matter how long you’ve known each other, we guarantee you that this little time-travel trip is sure to bring you closer together.

Out testing time machine, be back yesterday.

—Donald Duck