Friend And Lover

Friend and Lover

His mouth is sweetness itself; he is desirable in every way. Such, O women of Jerusalem, is my lover, my friend.

Song of Songs 5:16

Good friends. Over the years, they have comforted you, irked you, and more than a few times, saved your skin. They are the friends you have known for years but still can’t wait to see next week for lunch. Loyal and lasting, these friends have stood by you in good and bad, like a pair of boots that have worn well. They are the people you wouldn’t trade for anything—and if you didn’t have them, you’d trade almost everything to get them. Without good friends, the world is a wilderness.

The young Persian soldier must have felt this acutely when he was asked by his king, Cyrus the Great, whether he would trade the horse on which he had just won a race for an entire kingdom. “Certainly not, Sire,” the young soldier replied, “but I would gladly part with him to gain a good friend, if I could find anyone worthy of such fellowship.”

Good friends can be hard to find. Acquaintances, associates, partners, colleagues—these are found in abundance. Even a friend of the fair-weather variety is not uncommon. But the person worthy of being a good friend can be as scarce as lemonade in the desert. That’s why couples in love are doubly blessed to be good friends as well as lovers.

When asked about the qualities of a good friend, Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I find very little written directly to the heart of this matter in books.” We agree. During the last couple of decades, we have seen an inexhaustible supply of studies on marriage and family relationships. Yet the relationship between two good friends has hardly been touched. A recent study at the University of Hartford looked at scores of articles in a sample of many popular magazines and found fourteen articles on marriage and family relationships for every one article on friendship. “Our culture is obsessed with romance,” the researchers concluded. “Friendship is seen as secondary; no one thinks it has to be talked about.”

But it should be. Friendship deserves far more attention than it gets, especially friendship in marriage. Allow yourself to be grateful for the ways your spouse is a dear friend and companion on life’s journey, and ask yourself how you might cultivate more of a friendship with your spouse.

To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world.

—Brandi Snyder