Beta Spouse

Beta Spouse

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

It’s common practice for a new website or software to go public in what is referred to as a “beta” version. When Microsoft, for example, launches a new system upgrade, it will come out in beta before the “official” or final version is released. For years Google called their e-mail feature, Gmail, a beta site. What does that mean? The idea behind the term is that the system or program is still in test mode. In other words, it is available for the public to use, but with the understanding that you may find bugs in it. The site is not making any claims to have everything worked out to perfection. Understanding what that means, you don’t get angry with a beta site if some aspect of its functionality is not doing what you think it should. You give a beta version plenty of grace, and the site is counting on you to do it.

The same principle holds true in marriage. Think how much conflict, frustration, and friction we could avoid in our relationships if we treated each other as “beta spouses.” If we could remember that we are all a work in progress—ourselves as well as our partners—life would be exponentially easier.

So why don’t we do that? For many, the reason rests on an unrealistic level of perfectionism. And perfection was never meant for marriage.

Of course, this does not mean we should not aim for high standards in our relationships or within ourselves. But there is a huge difference between excellence and perfectionism. Excellence is not attaining an impossibly out-of-reach goal. It has to do with living up to our potential. Everyone, no matter how lowly, has the potential to attain excellence in his or her life—no one, no matter how lofty, has the potential to attain perfection.

When you wake up each morning, give both yourself and your spouse permission to live in beta mode, surrounded with lots of grace. And if you insist on perfection, let it have to do with God’s power being made perfect in your weakness.

Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.

—Anne Lamott