Growing Together Or Growing Apart?

Growing Together or Growing Apart?

The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.

John 10:10

Once in a while couples come to our counseling offices with a decision for divorce already determined. They are headed to divorce court and are just stopping by our place along the way, or so it seems. Their motivation for therapy is usually focused on how to break the news to their children, and they usually explain their situation to us something like this: “We aren’t ending our marriage with a lot of hard feelings; we simply discovered that we no longer had anything in common. I guess we grew apart.”

We wince each time we hear it. It has got to be the lamest excuse possible for ending a marriage. Why? Because the way it is described, it sounds as if a divorce were inevitable—as if something in their personalities destined them to gradually separate. The truth is we all grow in the directions we choose, and if our mates’ trajectories are different from ours, it need not be the end of the relationship. It simply calls for some intentional adaptation. “Drifting apart” is an excuse for not wanting to realign our attitudes and actions with those of our partners.

An enduring marriage requires possibility thinking, elasticity, and resilience. It needs continual attention and adaptation to grow together. It requires a shift in interests as our partners’ interests shift. In other words, to remain good and strong, marriage entails a lifelong project of adjusting and readjusting our attitudes. For this is the only path to finding positive options to our most perplexing circumstances.

Take a hard look at your own level of adjustment today. Is it set too high, with an impossible standard your spouse must meet before you’ll bend toward him or her? Talk to the Lord today about the state of your heart toward your spouse, and ask him to bring about a rich and satisfying life in your marriage.

A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.

—Arnold H. Glasgow