The S Word

The S Word

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Ephesians 5:21

Several years ago, a young and recently married man named Tim invited me (Les) to lunch one day and asked, “How can I get my wife to submit to me?” His question threw me. I have counseled many newlyweds, but I had never heard the question phrased so bluntly.

Tim was a devout Christian trying to build his new marriage on biblical principles, and he wanted to be the “head” of the home. He read about headship in the verse that says “The husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior” (Ephesians 5:23, NIV). Tim interpreted this statement to mean literally that it was his job to be the boss of his wife. And it was her job to be submissive to his demands. Tim’s wife, however, didn’t see things that way because she lived in the twentieth century, not the first. She saw herself, understandably, as an equal partner in the marriage.

Tim, sincere as he was, didn’t fully understand what it meant to be “the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church.” It never seemed to occur to Tim that in the Bible the husband is never called to make his wife submit. The Bible doesn’t call husbands to rule over their wives. It calls them to renounce the desire to be master and be the first to honor and respect their wives. It is all out of reverence for Christ.

What then is headship? Let me tell you what I told Tim. Headship is not being the first in line. It is not being the boss or ruler. It is being the first to honor, the first to nurture, the first to meet your partner’s needs.

A healthy marriage is built on a mutual desire to submit one’s needs to the other. As Ephesians 5:21 says: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” That’s the basic principle. Emptying ourselves of our self-centered desires is the bridge to becoming soul mates. Without mutual submission, every marriage, no matter how romantic, will eventually falter.

The key is understanding that submission is a two-way street in marriage. Scripture not only calls husbands and wives to “submit to one another,” but we are to also submit to God (see Job 22:21; Hebrews 12:9; James 4:7).

The only right a Christian has is the right to give up his rights.

—Oswald Chambers