A Critical Plan

A Critical Plan

They grumbled in their tents and refused to obey the LORD.

Psalm 106:25

One of the toughest things you might ever do to create a more loving marriage is to work on putting a clamp on criticism. When our deeper needs are not getting met, the tendency to criticize is so ingrained in some of us that it will require some serious discipline. The good news is, the tendency is likely to mellow the longer you are married. But it’s worth the effort at any point to power down your critical comments toward your spouse.

Much of the time you may not even be aware of how often you utter critical comments. You may say things like, “You put these forks in here the wrong way. . . . Would you quit touching my pen? . . . Don’t you know how to put a shirt on a hanger? . . . What did you do to make this so messy! . . . You’re not in the left lane. . . . I can’t believe you said that to him. . . . You bought the wrong kind of dressing. . . . Would you back off and give me some breathing room?”

If you find yourself being too critical, try these steps. First, apologize to your spouse. Say something like, “I know that I can be more critical than some people, and I want you to know that I realize this isn’t always easy to live with. I’m really sorry.”

Second, ask your spouse when he or she feels like you are most critical. You might be able to locate specific times (just before dinner when you are hungry, for example) or particular circumstances (when your monthly report at work is due).

Next, ask your spouse for suggestions on ways you could curb it. Don’t make it the other person’s responsibility, but invite input. You may discover that what you thought was critical isn’t so much to your spouse and that what you haven’t given much thought to really is. He or she can guide you a bit on how to lighten up.

Finally, invite your spouse to hold you accountable in one particular area where the critical comments hurt the most. Don’t try to instantly diminish all criticism; that’s too tough. Start by focusing on the area your spouse suggests.^a

When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical.

—Richard Carlson

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