Our Secret Sauce, My Recipe - Say What You Mean And Mean What You Say

Our Secret Sauce, My Recipe - Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say

I’M ONE OF YOU, so don’t get all bent out of shape when I say this but . . . we’re weird. When it comes to communication, women are total enigmas to men (and sometimes even to each other). Have you ever gotten off the phone with a girlfriend and asked yourself, What did she mean by that?

I spent my entire corporate career working with men in a male-dominated industry. Men are very black-and-white, never speaking in a foreign tongue or requiring that we (women) decipher the clues they are dropping. They’re pretty straightforward. And I like that.

However, in general, women do just the opposite. They think they’re dropping clues, they expect everyone (men and women alike) to read their minds, and they often send very mixed messages. Girlfriends, we must say what we mean and mean what we say. And we can’t change our minds by nine tonight! That drives the boys nuts!

Steve and I believe that one ingredient of our secret sauce is our ability to communicate clearly with one another. Here’s how we do it, especially when there’s something significant that must be addressed.

First, timing is everything. We make sure we have scheduled a time that is convenient to both of us, when both of us are in a frame of mind to solve problems. Second, we turn off all noise devices (computers and TVs): neither of us needs the distraction of the outside world when “our world” needs addressing. Before speaking, I think through in advance what I need or want, why it’s important to me, and when I need it. I am clear on my position, as is he. We listen—we don’t debate the other’s position. This takes a bit of self-discipline on my part—Steve’s great at it. But by listening instead of discussing, I learn better how a situation is affecting him, and he me. Together we can begin to see and understand one another’s position so that we can begin to solve or work through problems we face. Yes, this is very adultlike.

Many of my friends believe that arguing is good for a relationship. Maybe it is good for some people. But Steve and I are better suited to calm conversations. Yes, we have disagreed on issues and approaches, but we have managed to come to a conclusion or next steps without blaming anyone, yelling about anything, or hurting the other person.

The wise are known for their understanding,and pleasant words are persuasive. (Proverbs 16:21)

Girlfriends, are you clear, calm, and considerate with your mate when issues arise?