If They Weren’t the Cleavers - June Vacuums, Ward Reads the Paper (Part Deux)

If They Weren’t the Cleavers - June Vacuums, Ward Reads the Paper (Part Deux)

DEVELOPING A THEORY, a reason why my mother behaved as she did, became an important tool as I began to rebuild a semblance of a relationship with her and become emotionally able to honor her. It wasn’t always easy, nor was I always successful, but I hope my discoveries might help you develop your own tools for coping.

First, I decided that no one wants to be like this. No one gets up in the morning wanting to be unpleasant. Because I didn’t know the circumstances or the details that caused my mom so much pain, the theory that my cousins and I concocted was about something that might have happened to her when she was a child. This event would have been so destructive to her self-esteem that she knew no way to deal with her pain other than to deflect it onto others. This was step one in helping me to put my feelings aside in order to be a kinder, more patient daughter.

By sticking with my story and replaying it in my mind, I was able to get through our weekly phone chats with the grace I needed just to sit and listen (and not fume, steam, or scream . . . at least not until I got off the phone).

Second, I limited my face-to-face visits with my mom to no more than forty-five minutes. Yes—some people can do some serious damage in that amount of time, but I found this worked for us. Go to sixty minutes and I promise something was going to blow—because hard as I tried, my patience just couldn’t be stretched another quarter hour!

Last, I would choose to forgive my mother for anything and everything she said—before I even stepped in her door. I reset my expectations knowing her history as I did. I knew I would be hurt, embarrassed, or disappointed by her, but I refused to harbor these feelings. I imagined that this traumatic event early in life had hurt her so badly that she had forgotten how to be kind to others. Even to me.

Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7)

Need better coping skills? You might consider that there is something more to your parent’s story.