The Wrong Spouse?

“Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.” (Philippians 4:11, ESV)

When I met Robbie, I had a “David-sized hole” in my heart. You see, I was very much in love with my first husband, David, when he died instantly in a car accident.

I originally wanted to marry someone just like him. But I soon discovered it was futile. Not only does God create each person completely unique, but it’s bizarre to marry someone because they remind you of someone else.

When I married Robbie, I knew he wasn’t like David in most ways. Nevertheless, I still carried David’s standard in my heart. I longed to be treated the way David used to treat me. Even though Robbie was (and is) a loving husband, I had expectations about our communication, household roles, and even romance. I began to wonder if we were suited for each other after all.

Ironically, it was a lesson I learned from David that convinced me otherwise. He once told a young couple, “A soul mate isn’t someone you find; it’s someone you intentionally and prayerfully become.”

So many people are looking for “the one” they were “made for.” But because we’re all flawed, none of us fit perfectly together. If you’re looking for a person who “completes” you, then you’re not looking for a spouse. You’re looking for Jesus Christ. He’s the only one who can make you whole.

Marriage requires work. God isn’t surprised by your mate’s flaws, and guess what—He’s well aware of yours, also. Unless you’re in an abusive situation, there is a way to make your marriage work and even thrive.

Through shows like The Brady Bunch and The Sound of Music, culture has convinced us that blending a family is easy, minus a few hiccups. But reality is much messier. There are issues of loyalty, jealousy, and misunderstandings, and there are losses felt by everyone in every direction. If you want a TV show to realistically reflect blended families, it would most closely resemble Survivor: Stepfamily Style.

You didn’t marry the wrong person. You just married into a difficult situation. But like most difficult situations, God has made a way to work through it. “With God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).

The first step is to stop comparing. Don’t compare your new spouse to your old one. Don’t compare your marriage to characters on sitcoms or movies. Don’t compare your situation to what you see friends or celebrities post on social media. (Spoiler: it’s not as good in reality as it seems on the screens.)

Learn to be content with the spouse you have. The Apostle Paul said it best. “Godliness with contentment is great gain” (1 Timothy 6:6). Find ways to grow together. That also means working on your own flaws to make life better for your spouse.

And most importantly, extend grace to your spouse lavishly and often. Give your mate as much grace as you would like to receive if the shoe were on the other foot. (If you’re like me, then that’s a lot!) Your spouse isn’t perfect, and neither are you. But if each of you remains faithful to letting God whittle away at your own flaws, you’ll find you eventually become perfect for each other.

Reflection: What can you do this week to intentionally and prayerfully become your spouse’s soul mate? Start by checking your calendar and make space for some date nights in the next three months.