Love Takes Time

“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9, ESV)

We’ve all heard the phrase “love is blind.” It conjures images of a dreamy young person in love who can’t see the flaws in his or her love interest. But I think another fitting target for this description is moms. The love we have for our children often blinds us to their glaring flaws that others can plainly see.

My children were five and three years old when I married Robbie, and I really thought he was getting the easy side of the deal. After all, who couldn’t love children that young, especially my kids? They were so cuddly, smart, and adorable! But Robbie wasn’t as blind to their faults as I was.

I shared in an earlier devotional that Robbie and my son, Ben, were at odds from the beginning. So there was often a lot of tension between the two of them. One day, I was particularly frustrated at Robbie for being (in my mind) too hard on Ben.

“What do you want me to do?” he asked out of exasperation.

I answered, “I want you to love my son!”

As soon as the words escaped my lips, I realized my underlying problem. It wasn’t that Robbie’s discipline was inappropriate. It was that as a mom, I instinctively detected that Robbie was missing the element of unconditional love. In other words, he was lacking a bond with my son.

Love is a tricky word. Jesus tells us to love one another. Because we are Christians, we can love anyone, even strangers. But the kind of love you have in a family doesn’t exist on command. You can’t turn it on like a switch. It takes time.

That day, I knew that I was unfairly expecting Robbie to have an immediate bond with my children. And it wasn’t fair of me to expect something from him that he wasn’t able to give. The only way a bond can form is over a relatively long period of time.

Some kids may form bonds sooner, and some form later. In a stepfamily, there could be one or two kids who never bond with a stepparent. Some kids may seem to bond when they’re young and then completely detach as teenagers or young adults.

Maybe you’re in a phase of stepfamily life that seems like no one will ever bond. When I was in that place, my friend Susan had some encouraging words for me.

Early in Susan’s marriage, her husband’s children hated her, especially the adult children. They played tricks on her and conspired to hurt her feelings. She thought life would always be difficult.

It took many years, but eventually the children came to accept and even love her. When Susan’s husband died, I was at the funeral. I witnessed how his children embraced Susan as their own, exchanged hugs, and shared stories.

Sometimes it feels like things will never change. But remember, life is full of surprises, and they’re not always bad! Trust God, cling to your spouse, and when you feel like you’ve had all you can take, give it just a little more time.

Reflection: Today’s Scripture encourages us not to grow weary in doing good. What can you do to give yourself a lift when you start wearing down? Maybe write out some ways you’ve seen progress in your family, imagine what life would be like in a better future with your stepkids, or pray for each child by name, especially the ones that resist bonding the most.