Power Struggles

“Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight.” (Romans 12:16, ESV)

Early in our stepfamily, my stepson misunderstood the motives behind much of what I said and did. At first, I thought he must be particularly sensitive. But then I noticed my kids misunderstood Robbie’s intentions, too.

I soon realized our kids were used to a particular parenting style that became the standard by which they interpreted their new stepparent’s intentions.

For example, I’ve always been a yeller. My kids were used to it. They didn’t like it when I got mad, of course, but to them it was a normal side effect. My stepson, however, wasn’t used to yelling, and he was horrified by it. He didn’t know how to respond.

On the other hand, Robbie was an arm-grabber. It was his way of getting a child’s attention. But my kids saw it as a threat and were scared to death he was going to hurt them.

A child in a biological family is born into a certain family dynamic. The child takes it for granted that this is how all families behave. So when children enter a stepfamily, they are confused by the parenting differences of the stepparent. They don’t see this as “different” parenting. They see it as “wrong” parenting.

The confusion and shock don’t only apply to the children. Often spouses are also surprised by their significantly different parenting styles, and this can cause all kinds of problems and misunderstandings in matters of discipline, chores, daily routines, standards of character, screen time … and more.

This isn’t a problem in most first marriages because as the children grow, parents grow. Many of the discipline nuances and parenting styles are worked out in increments over a long period of time.

But in blended stepfamilies, the standards that were previously set for each family are challenged by the other. And since parents are wired to protect their own children, this scenario can lead to tribalism and battle lines being drawn.

But I want to encourage you not to let this divide you as a couple. Your unity as husband and wife is the glue that holds the whole family together. You will have disagreements. You might even be stunned by your spouse’s parenting principles. But here are some guidelines to help you find middle ground.

For the first few years, the biological parent should handle all discipline matters, if possible. If the stepparent must discipline, then the biological parent needs to set clear rules beforehand. “If you break ___ rule, then ___ is the consequence.”

Second, even if kids don’t like a stepparent, the biological parent should explain that decent basic human respect is expected. The stepparent is an adult in the home, and just like other authority figures, like teachers, principals, or police, a child is subject to their rules.

That doesn’t mean a stepparent can be rude or harsh. The Bible warns adults not to harm children or goad them to anger, or else incur God’s judgement (Luke 17:2, Ephesians 6:4). Stepparents should focus on friendship and forming a healthy bond.

Finally, the couple needs to show solidarity in front of the children. Sometimes disagreement is necessary and good, but save your arguments until the kids go to sleep.

As much as possible, support your spouse. Even when a stepparent is wrong, and you know it, talk to your kids and encourage them to have grace on a stepparent’s mistakes. After all, we’re all only human, and even well-meaning parents, stepparents, and kids are going to get it wrong sometimes.

Prayer: Dear Father, help me see the ways I can improve as a parent/stepparent, and show my spouse his or her own areas of growth. I pray our hearts stay humble and open to learning new ways of living. Lord, most of all, I pray we extend grace to one another as lavishly as you extend your grace to us. In Jesus’ name, Amen.