Who Gets Access?

“Because of the miraculous signs Jesus did in Jerusalem at the Passover celebration, many began to trust in him. But Jesus didn’t trust them, because he knew all about people.” (John 2:23-24, NLT)

“After David had finished talking with Saul, he met Jonathan, the king’s son. There was an immediate bond between them, for Jonathan loved David.” (1 Samuel 18:1, NLT)

A friend of mine in Bible college once dove headfirst off a dock into water that turned out to be much shallower than he expected. He broke his foot on impact. This happened because he misjudged depth off a quick view. This is a painful metaphor for something many of us do relationally.

Sometimes we mistake a good first impression for deep trust and dive headfirst into vulnerability before we’ve taken time to understand the depth of the relationship. My friend could see the dock, but he couldn’t see below the surface. The same is true of people. A view from the dock doesn’t always tell you what’s happening beneath the surface of someone else’s life or your own.

That’s why healthy friendships don’t move from strangers to soulmates overnight.

In the book, I describe this next stage as snorkeling friendships. Snorkeling is where curiosity replaces casual conversation. It’s asking better questions than, “How are you?” It’s empathetic and willing to wait long enough to hear the real answer. It’s not antsy for a turn to speak. It’s taking off what I call our emotional floaties, or the sarcasm, deflection, and polished responses we use to keep people at a comfortable (and shall I say controllable?) distance.

Yet a few friendships become something even deeper if we are open to them. I call these scuba-level friendships. These relationships are built slowly through trust, consistency, and mutual vulnerability. Not everyone should be invited into those depths. That’s not selfishness; it’s stewardship. Here’s what I’ve come to learn: Love is unconditional. Access isn’t.

Even Jesus practiced this kind of discernment because although crowds surrounded Him, Scripture tells us, “Jesus would not entrust himself to them, for he knew all people” (John 2:23-25, NIV). Jesus loved everyone, and so can we. However, we can love everyone deeply without giving everyone equal access to our lives.

David and Jonathan show us what a scuba-level friendship looks like. Scripture says, “Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself” (1 Samuel 18:1, NIV). That kind of friendship wasn’t built in a day; it was forged through depth and trust. Honestly, most of us don’t have a problem trusting people, we have an issue trusting the right people. Let that sink in. Pun intended!

Maybe you were hurt in a previous friendship and you’ve stayed on the dock ever since, convincing yourself it’s safer not to dive at all. Don’t let an extremity bar you from a new experience.

Today, ask yourself:

• Who has earned the right to know the real me?
• Is there someone God is inviting me to trust one step deeper?

Healthy friendships aren’t built by diving or by wearing the emotional floaties in a proverbial kiddie pool. Nor are they found when jumping into relational waters too quickly. They’re built one intentional step at a time, until trust becomes deep enough to hold the weight of your story.