Should I forgive someone who caused me trauma?

Genesis 37:28Joseph’s brothers pulled him out of the cistern and sold him to them for twenty pieces of silver. And the traders took him to Egypt.

Genesis 42:6-22Since Joseph was governor of all Egypt and in charge of selling grain to all the people, it was to him that his brothers came. When they arrived, they bowed before him with their faces to the ground. Joseph recognized his brothers instantly, but he pretended to be a stranger and spoke harshly to them. . . . “As I said, you are spies! This is how I will test your story. I swear by the life of Pharaoh that you will never leave Egypt unless your youngest brother comes here! One of you must go and get your brother. I’ll keep the rest of you here in prison. Then we’ll find out whether or not your story is true.” . . . Speaking among themselves, they said, “Clearly we are being punished because of what we did to Joseph long ago. We saw his anguish when he pleaded for his life, but we wouldn’t listen. That’s why we’re in this trouble.” “Didn’t I tell you not to sin against the boy?” Reuben asked. “But you wouldn’t listen. And now we have to answer for his blood!”

Joseph’s brothers had sold him into slavery. When Joseph saw his brothers again, years later, he was a powerful leader in Egypt, and they didn’t recognize him. Joseph could have immediately told them who he was and reunited with his family, but he wisely used his anonymity to test his brothers to see if they regretted the way they had treated him.

Genesis 42:23-24Of course, they didn’t know that Joseph understood them, for he had been speaking to them through an interpreter. Now he turned away from them and began to weep. When he regained his composure, he spoke to them again.

Facing his brothers—and hearing them talk about what they had done to him—was incredibly difficult for Joseph to do. It didn’t matter how successful Joseph was now or how far he had come. The trauma still hurt. Not only did Joseph experience the traumas of being betrayed by his family and sold into slavery, but he experienced other traumas—including being falsely accused and thrown into jail. These additional traumas also happened because of his brothers, which made it that much harder to reconcile with them. Multiple times, the emotions Joseph was wrestling with brought him to tears. Giving a broken relationship a second chance and re-processing the trauma it entails is not always the best choice for everyone. Still, for those who choose to do so, we can learn from Joseph’s wise caution toward his brothers, his patience in taking time to process, and his willingness to forgive.

Genesis 44:1-44When his brothers were ready to leave, Joseph gave these instructions to his palace manager: “Fill each of their sacks with as much grain as they can carry, and put each man’s money back into his sack. Then put my personal silver cup at the top of the youngest brother’s sack, along with the money for his grain.” So the manager did as Joseph instructed him. The brothers were up at dawn and were sent on their journey with their loaded donkeys. But when they had gone only a short distance and were barely out of the city, Joseph said to his palace manager, “Chase after them and stop them . . .” The palace manager searched the brothers’ sacks, from the oldest to the youngest. And the cup was found in Benjamin’s sack! When the brothers saw this, they tore their clothing in despair. . . . “No,” Joseph said. “. . . Only the man who stole the cup will be my slave. The rest of you may go back to your father in peace.” Then Judah stepped forward and said, “Please, my lord, let your servant say just one word to you. . . . let me stay here as a slave instead of the boy, and let the boy return with his brothers. For how can I return to my father if the boy is not with me? I couldn’t bear to see the anguish this would cause my father!”

Joseph gave his brothers the ultimate test: Either they could leave their father’s favorite son as a slave in Egypt, or they themselves would face the wrath of one of the most powerful men in Egypt. The brothers Joseph had known all those years ago would have gladly abandoned the favored brother and gone home free, but this time, Joseph’s older brother Judah offered himself as a slave in Benjamin’s place. Sometimes people do change and prove themselves worthy of trust again.

Matthew 5:44“But I [Jesus] say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!”

Matthew 6:14-15“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

Luke 23:34Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.”

Romans 12:19Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord.

Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation. Forgiving an abuser, a betrayer, or an enemy means that you refuse to let them have any more control in your life. The person who hurt you doesn’t need to be asked or told. The act of forgiveness occurs between you and God. Leave your hurt with God and allow his power to heal you from the inside so you can have a fresh start.