Question 1

How can I recognize manipulation in myself and in others?

Accepted Answer

2 Corinthians 12:16-19Some of you admit I was not a burden to you. But others still think I was sneaky and took advantage of you by trickery. But how? Did any of the men I sent to you take advantage of you? When I urged Titus to visit you and sent our other brother with him, did Titus take advantage of you? No! For we have the same spirit and walk in each other’s steps, doing things the same way. Perhaps you think we’re saying these things just to defend ourselves. No, we tell you this as Christ’s servants, and with God as our witness. Everything we do, dear friends, is to strengthen you.Taking advantage of others for our own benefit is manipulation. A manipulator tries to gain things at the expense of others.Judges 16:15-21Then Delilah pouted, “How can you tell me, ‘I love you,’ when you don’t share your secrets with me? You’ve made fun of me three times now, and you still haven’t told me what makes you so strong!” She tormented him with her nagging day after day until he was sick to death of it. Finally, Samson shared his secret with her. “My hair has never been cut,” he confessed, “for I was dedicated to God as a Nazirite from birth. If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as anyone else.” Delilah realized he had finally told her the truth, so she sent for the Philistine rulers. “Come back one more time,” she said, “for he has finally told me his secret.” So the Philistine rulers returned with the money in their hands. Delilah lulled Samson to sleep with his head in her lap, and then she called in a man to shave off the seven locks of his hair. In this way she began to bring him down, and his strength left him. Then she cried out, “Samson! The Philistines have come to capture you!” When he woke up, he thought, “I will do as before and shake myself free.” But he didn’t realize the Lord had left him.So the Philistines captured him and gouged out his eyes. They took him to Gaza, where he was bound with bronze chains and forced to grind grain in the prison.Proverbs 12:20Deceit fills hearts that are plotting evil; joy fills hearts that are planning peace!Jeremiah 9:5They all fool and defraud each other; no one tells the truth. With practiced tongues they tell lies; they wear themselves out with all their sinning.1 John 4:6We belong to God, and those who know God listen to us. If they do not belong to God, they do not listen to us. That is how we know if someone has the Spirit of truth or the spirit of deception.Deceiving someone to get what we want or to make ourselves look good is a form of manipulation. If we find ourselves twisting the truth to get what we want, we are probably being manipulative.Amos 5:11You trample the poor, stealing their grain through taxes and unfair rent. Therefore, though you build beautiful stone houses, you will never live in them. Though you plant lush vineyards, you will never drink wine from them.Amos 8:5-6You can’t wait for the Sabbath day to be over and the religious festivals to end so you can get back to cheating the helpless. You measure out grain with dishonest measures and cheat the buyer with dishonest scales. And you mix the grain you sell with chaff swept from the floor. Then you enslave poor people for one piece of silver or a pair of sandals.Cheating is a form of manipulation. It is a plan to take something we don’t deserve because we feel entitled to it. It changes the landscape of fairness.Matthew 6:1“Watch out! Don’t do your good deeds publicly, to be admired by others, for you will lose the reward from your Father in heaven.”Mark 12:40“Yet they shamelessly cheat widows out of their property and then pretend to be pious by making long prayers in public. Because of this, they will be more severely punished.”Hypocrisy—when what we say doesn’t match what we do—is a form of manipulation. We pretend to be a better person than we really are in order to get something we want. If we need to put on a façade for others, chances are we are being manipulative.Nehemiah 6:9, 14, 19They were just trying to intimidate us, imagining that they could discourage us and stop the work. So I continued the work with even greater determination. . . . Remember, O my God, all the evil things that Tobiah and Sanballat have done. And remember Noadiah the prophet and all the prophets like her who have tried to intimidate me. . . . They kept telling me about Tobiah’s good deeds, and then they told him everything I said. And Tobiah kept sending threatening letters to intimidate me.Daniel 3:4-6Then a herald shouted out, “People of all races and nations and languages, listen to the king’s command! When you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipes, and other musical instruments, bow to the ground to worship King Nebuchadnezzar’s gold statue. Anyone who refuses to obey will immediately be thrown into a blazing furnace.”Acts 4:18, 21So they called the apostles back in and commanded them never again to speak or teach in the name of Jesus. . . . The council then threatened them further.Intimidation is a form of manipulation. When manipulators cannot entice to get what they want, they may try to intimidate or pressure others into submission.Galatians 4:17Those false teachers are so eager to win your favor, but their intentions are not good. They are trying to shut you off from me so that you will pay attention only to them.Isolation is often a form of manipulation. We should be cautious when someone tries to isolate us from wise friends or other helpful Christian influences. Whether it is an intentional attempt to manipulate us or not, isolation can have a dangerous impact on our faith.Judges 14:15-17On the fourth day they said to Samson’s wife, “Entice your husband to explain the riddle for us, or we will burn down your father’s house with you in it. Did you invite us to this party just to make us poor?” So Samson’s wife came to him in tears and said, “You don’t love me; you hate me! You have given my people a riddle, but you haven’t told me the answer.” “I haven’t even given the answer to my father or mother,” he replied. “Why should I tell you?” So she cried whenever she was with him and kept it up for the rest of the celebration. At last, on the seventh day he told her the answer because she was tormenting him with her nagging. Then she explained the riddle to the young men.Emotional pressure, nagging, and guilt are often used to manipulate. If we use these practices to get what we want, we are guilty of manipulation. Instead of these, our tools for building relationships should be self-control, encouragement, and forgiveness.Psalm 12:2Neighbors lie to each other, speaking with flattering lips and deceitful hearts.Proverbs 7:21So she seduced him with her pretty speech and enticed him with her flattery.Romans 16:18Such people are not serving Christ our Lord; they are serving their own personal interests. By smooth talk and glowing words they deceive innocent people.1 Thessalonians 2:5Never once did we try to win you with flattery, as you well know. And God is our witness that we were not pretending to be your friends just to get your money!Jude 1:16These people are grumblers and complainers, living only to satisfy their desires. They brag loudly about themselves, and they flatter others to get what they want.Flattery is often used to manipulate. Telling the difference between a sincere compliment and a false one can be difficult. This is why we tend to be so vulnerable to flattery disguised as a compliment.Daniel 6:5-7So they concluded, “Our only chance of finding grounds for accusing Daniel will be in connection with the rules of his religion.” So the administrators and high officers went to the king and said, “Long live King Darius! We are all in agreement—we administrators, officials, high officers, advisers, and governors—that the king should make a law that will be strictly enforced. Give orders that for the next thirty days any person who prays to anyone, divine or human—except to you, Your Majesty—will be thrown into the den of lions.”Our pride makes us particularly susceptible to flattery. King Darius was manipulated into endangering his most trusted advisor, Daniel, because of his pride.Proverbs 27:6Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.Proverbs 28:23In the end, people appreciate honest criticism far more than flattery.1 Thessalonians 5:11So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.Love and truth help to produce helpful encouragement as opposed to dangerous flattery. Helpful encouragement finds the good in us and inspires us to even greater good. Flattery tells us what we may want to hear and what makes us happy—but not necessarily what is true. It is better to inspire our friends with hard truths than to leave them lost with gentle lies that lead them astray.Exodus 23:8“Take no bribes, for a bribe makes you ignore something that you clearly see. A bribe makes even a righteous person twist the truth.”Proverbs 15:27Greed brings grief to the whole family, but those who hate bribes will live.Proverbs 21:14A secret gift calms anger; a bribe under the table pacifies fury.Bribery is a dangerous form of manipulation because it seems well-intentioned. Sometimes, to avoid an awkward rejection of a gift, we simply take it. But gifts and other benefits tap into our natural and good desire to respond in kind, which tilts our judgment at a deep yet subtle level.Matthew 7:15“Beware of false prophets who come disguised as harmless sheep but are really vicious wolves.”Galatians 1:7You are being fooled by those who deliberately twist the truth concerning Christ.Jude 1:8In the same way, these people—who claim authority from their dreams—live immoral lives, defy authority, and scoff at supernatural beings.False prophets and false teachers are manipulators. They pretend to have good news for us, but they are really seeking to take from us.

Question 2

How does manipulation affect my relationships?

Accepted Answer

Genesis 27:12, 15-16, 21-23, 30, 35“What if my father touches me? He’ll see that I’m trying to trick him, and then he’ll curse me instead of blessing me.” . . . Then she took Esau’s favorite clothes, which were there in the house, and gave them to her younger son, Jacob. She covered his arms and the smooth part of his neck with the skin of the young goats. . . . Then Isaac said to Jacob, “Come closer so I can touch you and make sure that you really are Esau.” So Jacob went closer to his father, and Isaac touched him. “The voice is Jacob’s, but the hands are Esau’s,” Isaac said. But he did not recognize Jacob, because Jacob’s hands felt hairy just like Esau’s. So Isaac prepared to bless Jacob. . . . As soon as Isaac had finished blessing Jacob, and almost before Jacob had left his father, Esau returned from his hunt. . . . But Isaac said, “Your brother was here, and he tricked me. He has taken away your blessing.”Genesis 29:25When Jacob woke up in the morning—it was Leah! “What have you done to me?” Jacob raged at Laban. “I worked seven years for Rachel! Why have you tricked me?”Genesis 31:7“He has cheated me, changing my wages ten times. But God has not allowed him to do me any harm.”The selfishness and dishonesty of manipulation is directly opposed to the self-giving love and trust necessary for long-lasting, healthy relationships.

Question 3

What are the dangers and consequences of manipulation?

Accepted Answer

Deuteronomy 25:16“All who cheat with dishonest weights and measures are detestable to the Lord your God.”Psalm 5:6You will destroy those who tell lies. The Lord detests murderers and deceivers.Psalm 25:3No one who trusts in you will ever be disgraced, but disgrace comes to those who try to deceive others.Psalm 101:7I will not allow deceivers to serve in my house, and liars will not stay in my presence.Proverbs 11:1The Lord detests the use of dishonest scales, but he delights in accurate weights.Proverbs 22:12The Lord preserves those with knowledge, but he ruins the plans of the treacherous.God hates cheating and deceitfulness, two common forms of manipulation. These ungodly actions run against the grain of God’s character. Those who practice manipulation cannot expect God’s blessings.Psalm 12:3May the Lord cut off their flattering lips and silence their boastful tongues.Proverbs 26:28A lying tongue hates its victims, and flattering words cause ruin.Flattery—using praise to get what we want—destroys relationships because it puts deceit and false pretenses above trust. This leaves a path of broken trust and hurt feelings.Proverbs 21:6Wealth created by a lying tongue is a vanishing mist and a deadly trap.Jeremiah 17:11Like a partridge that hatches eggs she has not laid, so are those who get their wealth by unjust means. At midlife they will lose their riches; in the end, they will become poor old fools.Dishonest gain is temporary. The fool’s gold of wealth gained by manipulation may have a momentary sweetness, but it leaves an eternal bitterness.Proverbs 26:27If you set a trap for others, you will get caught in it yourself. If you roll a boulder down on others, it will crush you instead.Jeremiah 9:5They all fool and defraud each other; no one tells the truth. With practiced tongues they tell lies; they wear themselves out with all their sinning.Manipulation is ultimately self-destructive. Manipulators deceive themselves, thinking that selfishness will help them win the game of life. In the end they create their own suffering.Leviticus 25:17“Show your fear of God by not taking advantage of each other. I am the Lord your God.”Deuteronomy 24:14“Never take advantage of poor and destitute laborers, whether they are fellow Israelites or foreigners living in your towns.”Nehemiah 5:15The former governors, in contrast, had laid heavy burdens on the people, demanding a daily ration of food and wine, besides forty pieces of silver. Even their assistants took advantage of the people. But because I feared God, I did not act that way.Isaiah 3:14The Lord comes forward to pronounce judgment on the elders and rulers of his people: “You have ruined Israel, my vineyard. Your houses are filled with things stolen from the poor.”Malachi 1:14“Cursed is the cheat who promises to give a fine ram from his flock but then sacrifices a defective one to the Lord. For I am a great king,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies.Malachi 3:5“At that time I will put you on trial. I am eager to witness against all sorcerers and adulterers and liars. I will speak against those who cheat employees of their wages, who oppress widows and orphans, or who deprive the foreigners living among you of justice, for these people do not fear me,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies.Taking advantage of others shows a lack of respect for God and ultimately results in his judgment.

Question 4

How can I avoid being manipulated by others?

Accepted Answer

Psalm 119:143As pressure and stress bear down on me, I find joy in your commands.Daniel 11:32“He [an evil king] will flatter and win over those who have violated the covenant. But the people who know their God will be strong and will resist him.”Ephesians 6:11Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil.Colossians 2:2-4I want them to be encouraged and knit together by strong ties of love. I want them to have complete confidence that they understand God’s mysterious plan, which is Christ himself. In him lie hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. I am telling you this so no one will deceive you with well-crafted arguments.Colossians 2:8Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ.1 Timothy 6:3Some people may contradict our teaching, but these are the wholesome teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. These teachings promote a godly life.1 John 4:1Dear friends, do not believe everyone who claims to speak by the Spirit. You must test them to see if the spirit they have comes from God. For there are many false prophets in the world.It would be helpful if we knew everyone’s motives before they talked to us. While that will never be possible in every case, we can become better at discerning people’s motives. The Bible is the ultimate manual for understanding human character. The more we know of God and his Word, the better we will be able to recognize trustworthy character in others. This will help us discern whether people are trying to help us or manipulate us.Proverbs 11:1The Lord detests the use of dishonest scales, but he delights in accurate weights.Proverbs 29:5To flatter friends is to lay a trap for their feet.Daniel 6:6-9So the administrators and high officers went to the king and said, “Long live King Darius! We are all in agreement—we administrators, officials, high officers, advisers, and governors—that the king should make a law that will be strictly enforced. Give orders that for the next thirty days any person who prays to anyone, divine or human—except to you, Your Majesty—will be thrown into the den of lions. And now, Your Majesty, issue and sign this law so it cannot be changed, an official law of the Medes and Persians that cannot be revoked.” So King Darius signed the law.Mark 12:13-15Later the leaders sent some Pharisees and supporters of Herod to trap Jesus into saying something for which he could be arrested. “Teacher,” they said, “we know how honest you are. You are impartial and don’t play favorites. You teach the way of God truthfully. Now tell us—is it right to pay taxes to Caesar or not? Should we pay them, or shouldn’t we?”King Darius’ pride trapped him into signing a foolish—and dangerous—law. Jesus’ humility made him immune to flattery. Humility not only defends us against flattery, it also helps us learn from others and grow in wisdom. Godly wisdom can protect us against many forms of manipulation.Psalm 23:4Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.Matthew 28:20“Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”John 16:33“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”Acts 5:27-29Then they brought the apostles before the high council, where the high priest confronted them. “Didn’t we tell you never again to teach in this man’s name?” he demanded. “Instead, you have filled all Jerusalem with your teaching about him, and you want to make us responsible for his death!” But Peter and the apostles replied, “We must obey God rather than any human authority.”Romans 8:31What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us?2 Timothy 1:7God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.1 John 4:18Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.Fear is one of Satan’s favorite tools of manipulation. We often think of bravery as the antidote of fear, but the Bible tells us that it is love that casts out fear. Why love? Love doesn’t deny danger and it doesn’t deny loss, but love perseveres because what it loves is worth the cost. When we love God and others, we will be willing to take great risks for them. When we recognize God’s deep love for us, we will be confident in his guidance and protection, even in our troubles.Matthew 10:16“Look, I am sending you out as sheep among wolves. So be as shrewd as snakes and harmless as doves.”Colossians 3:14Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.James 1:27Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.We are called to be discerning and pure, but we are not called to be cynical. A cynical person sees the worst in others and avoids vulnerability. A wise and loving Christian watches for warning signs but believes love is worth the risk.

Question 5

Does God manipulate people?

Accepted Answer

Matthew 6:9-10“Pray like this: Our Father in heaven, may your name be kept holy. May your Kingdom come soon. May your will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.”Romans 6:13Do not let any part of your body become an instrument of evil to serve sin. Instead, give yourselves completely to God, for you were dead, but now you have new life. So use your whole body as an instrument to do what is right for the glory of God.1 Peter 2:22He never sinned, nor ever deceived anyone.God does not manipulate people because God’s nature would not permit this. He is holy, just, perfect, and all-powerful. He gives people the choice to obey and do his will or disobey and suffer the consequences. The choice is ultimately ours, but he may sometimes motivate us to clearly see the benefits of the right choice. God also guides and disciplines, but he never manipulates.Romans 6:22Now you are free from the power of sin and have become slaves of God. Now you do those things that lead to holiness and result in eternal life.Romans 7:4, 6You died to the power of the law when you died with Christ. And now you are united with the one who was raised from the dead. As a result, we can produce a harvest of good deeds for God. . . . But now we have been released from the law, for we died to it and are no longer captive to its power. Now we can serve God, not in the old way of obeying the letter of the law, but in the new way of living in the Spirit.Romans 8:2, 13Because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death. . . . For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature, you will live.We must obey either God or Satan, good or evil. God guides; Satan manipulates. When we are freed from the manipulation of sin and evil, our refuge from that sin and evil is found in God, the only power greater than the evil one.Philippians 2:13God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.Hebrews 13:20-21Now may the God of peace—who brought up from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great Shepherd of the sheep, and ratified an eternal covenant with his blood—may he equip you with all you need for doing his will. May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to him. All glory to him forever and ever!We obey God when we have a desire to obey him. We do his will when he equips us to do his will. We are not puppets on strings, manipulated by a divine puppeteer. Rather, we are motivated to put our lives in line with God’s ways because we know that is best for us.Jonah 1:4, 16-17The Lord hurled a powerful wind over the sea, causing a violent storm that threatened to break the ship apart. . . . The sailors were awestruck by the Lord’s great power, and they offered him a sacrifice and vowed to serve him. Now the Lord had arranged for a great fish to swallow Jonah. And Jonah was inside the fish for three days and three nights.Jonah 2:10Then the Lord ordered the fish to spit Jonah out onto the beach.Jonah 3:1-3Then the Lord spoke to Jonah a second time: “Get up and go to the great city of Nineveh, and deliver the message I have given you.” This time Jonah obeyed the Lord’s command and went to Nineveh, a city so large that it took three days to see it all.God often provides clear circumstances to show us how best to obey and serve him. Jonah did not have to go to Nineveh. But while spending three days in the belly of the great fish, he learned that going to Nineveh was the right and best course of action.Exodus 7:5“When I raise my powerful hand and bring out the Israelites, the Egyptians will know that I am the Lord.”Exodus 10:1Then the Lord said to Moses, “Return to Pharaoh and make your demands again. I have made him and his officials stubborn so I can display my miraculous signs among them.”Exodus 14:31When the people of Israel saw the mighty power that the Lord had unleashed against the Egyptians, they were filled with awe before him. They put their faith in the Lord and in his servant Moses.Romans 9:17The Scriptures say that God told Pharaoh, “I have appointed you for the very purpose of displaying my power in you and to spread my fame throughout the earth.”God does not force people to obey him. But sometimes he provides very strong motivation, as he did to Pharaoh, to help us see what is best for us.Job 12:16“Yes, strength and wisdom are his [God’s]; deceivers and deceived are both in his power.”Romans 13:1Everyone must submit to governing authorities. For all authority comes from God, and those in positions of authority have been placed there by God.Colossians 2:10So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority.Revelation 4:11“You are worthy, O Lord our God, to receive glory and honor and power. For you created all things, and they exist because you created what you pleased.”Manipulation involves controlling others in an unworthy manner. God, as all-loving and perfect, is worthy in every aspect of his relationship with us. God guides and disciplines us for our own good, but he never manipulates us.