How can I recognize manipulation in myself and in others?

2 Corinthians 12:16-19Some of you admit I was not a burden to you. But others still think I was sneaky and took advantage of you by trickery. But how? Did any of the men I sent to you take advantage of you? When I urged Titus to visit you and sent our other brother with him, did Titus take advantage of you? No! For we have the same spirit and walk in each other’s steps, doing things the same way. Perhaps you think we’re saying these things just to defend ourselves. No, we tell you this as Christ’s servants, and with God as our witness. Everything we do, dear friends, is to strengthen you.

Taking advantage of others for our own benefit is manipulation. A manipulator tries to gain things at the expense of others.

Judges 16:15-21Then Delilah pouted, “How can you tell me, ‘I love you,’ when you don’t share your secrets with me? You’ve made fun of me three times now, and you still haven’t told me what makes you so strong!” She tormented him with her nagging day after day until he was sick to death of it. Finally, Samson shared his secret with her. “My hair has never been cut,” he confessed, “for I was dedicated to God as a Nazirite from birth. If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as anyone else.” Delilah realized he had finally told her the truth, so she sent for the Philistine rulers. “Come back one more time,” she said, “for he has finally told me his secret.” So the Philistine rulers returned with the money in their hands. Delilah lulled Samson to sleep with his head in her lap, and then she called in a man to shave off the seven locks of his hair. In this way she began to bring him down, and his strength left him. Then she cried out, “Samson! The Philistines have come to capture you!” When he woke up, he thought, “I will do as before and shake myself free.” But he didn’t realize the Lord had left him.So the Philistines captured him and gouged out his eyes. They took him to Gaza, where he was bound with bronze chains and forced to grind grain in the prison.

Proverbs 12:20Deceit fills hearts that are plotting evil; joy fills hearts that are planning peace!

Jeremiah 9:5They all fool and defraud each other; no one tells the truth. With practiced tongues they tell lies; they wear themselves out with all their sinning.

1 John 4:6We belong to God, and those who know God listen to us. If they do not belong to God, they do not listen to us. That is how we know if someone has the Spirit of truth or the spirit of deception.

Deceiving someone to get what we want or to make ourselves look good is a form of manipulation. If we find ourselves twisting the truth to get what we want, we are probably being manipulative.

Amos 5:11You trample the poor, stealing their grain through taxes and unfair rent. Therefore, though you build beautiful stone houses, you will never live in them. Though you plant lush vineyards, you will never drink wine from them.

Amos 8:5-6You can’t wait for the Sabbath day to be over and the religious festivals to end so you can get back to cheating the helpless. You measure out grain with dishonest measures and cheat the buyer with dishonest scales. And you mix the grain you sell with chaff swept from the floor. Then you enslave poor people for one piece of silver or a pair of sandals.

Cheating is a form of manipulation. It is a plan to take something we don’t deserve because we feel entitled to it. It changes the landscape of fairness.

Matthew 6:1“Watch out! Don’t do your good deeds publicly, to be admired by others, for you will lose the reward from your Father in heaven.”

Mark 12:40“Yet they shamelessly cheat widows out of their property and then pretend to be pious by making long prayers in public. Because of this, they will be more severely punished.”

Hypocrisy—when what we say doesn’t match what we do—is a form of manipulation. We pretend to be a better person than we really are in order to get something we want. If we need to put on a façade for others, chances are we are being manipulative.

Nehemiah 6:9, 14, 19They were just trying to intimidate us, imagining that they could discourage us and stop the work. So I continued the work with even greater determination. . . . Remember, O my God, all the evil things that Tobiah and Sanballat have done. And remember Noadiah the prophet and all the prophets like her who have tried to intimidate me. . . . They kept telling me about Tobiah’s good deeds, and then they told him everything I said. And Tobiah kept sending threatening letters to intimidate me.

Daniel 3:4-6Then a herald shouted out, “People of all races and nations and languages, listen to the king’s command! When you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipes, and other musical instruments, bow to the ground to worship King Nebuchadnezzar’s gold statue. Anyone who refuses to obey will immediately be thrown into a blazing furnace.”

Acts 4:18, 21So they called the apostles back in and commanded them never again to speak or teach in the name of Jesus. . . . The council then threatened them further.

Intimidation is a form of manipulation. When manipulators cannot entice to get what they want, they may try to intimidate or pressure others into submission.

Galatians 4:17Those false teachers are so eager to win your favor, but their intentions are not good. They are trying to shut you off from me so that you will pay attention only to them.

Isolation is often a form of manipulation. We should be cautious when someone tries to isolate us from wise friends or other helpful Christian influences. Whether it is an intentional attempt to manipulate us or not, isolation can have a dangerous impact on our faith.

Judges 14:15-17On the fourth day they said to Samson’s wife, “Entice your husband to explain the riddle for us, or we will burn down your father’s house with you in it. Did you invite us to this party just to make us poor?” So Samson’s wife came to him in tears and said, “You don’t love me; you hate me! You have given my people a riddle, but you haven’t told me the answer.” “I haven’t even given the answer to my father or mother,” he replied. “Why should I tell you?” So she cried whenever she was with him and kept it up for the rest of the celebration. At last, on the seventh day he told her the answer because she was tormenting him with her nagging. Then she explained the riddle to the young men.

Emotional pressure, nagging, and guilt are often used to manipulate. If we use these practices to get what we want, we are guilty of manipulation. Instead of these, our tools for building relationships should be self-control, encouragement, and forgiveness.

Psalm 12:2Neighbors lie to each other, speaking with flattering lips and deceitful hearts.

Proverbs 7:21So she seduced him with her pretty speech and enticed him with her flattery.

Romans 16:18Such people are not serving Christ our Lord; they are serving their own personal interests. By smooth talk and glowing words they deceive innocent people.

1 Thessalonians 2:5Never once did we try to win you with flattery, as you well know. And God is our witness that we were not pretending to be your friends just to get your money!

Jude 1:16These people are grumblers and complainers, living only to satisfy their desires. They brag loudly about themselves, and they flatter others to get what they want.

Flattery is often used to manipulate. Telling the difference between a sincere compliment and a false one can be difficult. This is why we tend to be so vulnerable to flattery disguised as a compliment.

Daniel 6:5-7So they concluded, “Our only chance of finding grounds for accusing Daniel will be in connection with the rules of his religion.” So the administrators and high officers went to the king and said, “Long live King Darius! We are all in agreement—we administrators, officials, high officers, advisers, and governors—that the king should make a law that will be strictly enforced. Give orders that for the next thirty days any person who prays to anyone, divine or human—except to you, Your Majesty—will be thrown into the den of lions.”

Our pride makes us particularly susceptible to flattery. King Darius was manipulated into endangering his most trusted advisor, Daniel, because of his pride.

Proverbs 27:6Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.

Proverbs 28:23In the end, people appreciate honest criticism far more than flattery.

1 Thessalonians 5:11So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.

Love and truth help to produce helpful encouragement as opposed to dangerous flattery. Helpful encouragement finds the good in us and inspires us to even greater good. Flattery tells us what we may want to hear and what makes us happy—but not necessarily what is true. It is better to inspire our friends with hard truths than to leave them lost with gentle lies that lead them astray.

Exodus 23:8“Take no bribes, for a bribe makes you ignore something that you clearly see. A bribe makes even a righteous person twist the truth.”

Proverbs 15:27Greed brings grief to the whole family, but those who hate bribes will live.

Proverbs 21:14A secret gift calms anger; a bribe under the table pacifies fury.

Bribery is a dangerous form of manipulation because it seems well-intentioned. Sometimes, to avoid an awkward rejection of a gift, we simply take it. But gifts and other benefits tap into our natural and good desire to respond in kind, which tilts our judgment at a deep yet subtle level.

Matthew 7:15“Beware of false prophets who come disguised as harmless sheep but are really vicious wolves.”

Galatians 1:7You are being fooled by those who deliberately twist the truth concerning Christ.

Jude 1:8In the same way, these people—who claim authority from their dreams—live immoral lives, defy authority, and scoff at supernatural beings.

False prophets and false teachers are manipulators. They pretend to have good news for us, but they are really seeking to take from us.