How can I deal with the relational tensions infertility can cause?
Genesis 30:1-2When Rachel saw that she wasn’t having any children for Jacob, she became jealous of her sister. She pleaded with Jacob, “Give me children, or I’ll die!” Then Jacob became furious with Rachel. “Am I God?” he asked. “He’s the one who has kept you from having children!”
Infertility creates frustration and tempts us to look for someone to blame—whether that’s God, our spouse, or even ourselves. Recognizing this pattern for what it is may not solve the problem itself, but it will help us reduce its influence over us.
Psalm 34:1-2I will praise the Lord at all times. I will constantly speak his praises. I will boast only in the Lord; let all who are helpless take heart.
Proverbs 30:15-16There are three things that are never satisfied—no, four that never say, “Enough!”: the grave, the barren womb, the thirsty desert, the blazing fire.
Lamentations 3:18-23“Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!” . . . I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.
The desire to have a child is a good and healthy desire, and it is natural to grieve infertility. However, if we allow that grief to turn to bitterness and despair, we risk losing sight of who God is. He is a good God, and his work isn’t finished yet.
1 Samuel 1:8“Why are you crying, Hannah?” Elkanah would ask. “Why aren’t you eating? Why be downhearted just because you have no children? You have me—isn’t that better than having ten sons?”
Spouses often react to infertility differently, which leads to misunderstandings and tension. In the case of Hannah and Elkanah, Hannah was the one who most deeply grieved her infertility. Elkanah, on the other hand, seemed to feel that Hannah was putting more value on having a child than on their relationship. Recognize that your spouse may be suffering in a way different from you, and don’t invalidate their feelings.
Proverbs 27:5An open rebuke is better than hidden love!
Proverbs 18:13Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.
Honest communication is critical for marital unity. Sometimes, infertility becomes a taboo topic, a silent wall growing between a husband and wife. Other times, infertility becomes a constant conversation that puts a relationship in a state of stress. Only through honest conversation with your spouse can you set healthy expectations for how to navigate your journey of infertility.
Ephesians 4:31-32Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12Two people are better off than one . . . two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
Infertility is not a journey unique to you—nor is it a journey that needs to be taken alone. Together with your spouse, choose some people to talk with about your infertility. Our fears feel smaller when we aren’t facing them alone.
2 Corinthians 1:4He [God] comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
It is especially helpful to talk about infertility with others who have experienced it. Someone who has had more time to process and learn from their experience can be a valuable resource for helping us navigate our own journey. Even someone at the same stage in their journey may be able to encourage us in ways no one else can. Whether it is a peer, a mentor, or a counselor, having a source of wisdom and encouragement in addition to your spouse will reduce the pressure you both feel.
