What should I do when people get upset with the boundaries I set?

Proverbs 12:15Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others.

Philippians 2:3Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

Matthew 14:10-23So John was beheaded in the prison . . . As soon as Jesus heard the news, he left in a boat to a remote area to be alone. But the crowds heard where he was headed and followed on foot from many towns. Jesus saw the huge crowd as he stepped from the boat, and he had compassion on them and healed their sick. . . . Immediately after this, Jesus insisted that his disciples get back into the boat and cross to the other side of the lake, while he sent the people home. After sending them home, he went up into the hills by himself to pray. Night fell while he was there alone.

Consider the concerns of others respectfully. Our personal boundaries are important, but they are not immutable and infallible. In order to meet the immediate needs of the crowd, Jesus chose to forego his need for time alone to grieve and pray. However, after those immediate needs were met, Jesus set firm boundaries and sent everyone away. Jesus didn’t neglect his own needs but balanced them with the needs of others.

John 6:15When Jesus saw that they were ready to force him to be their king, he slipped away into the hills by himself.

John 18:36Jesus answered, “My Kingdom is not an earthly kingdom.”

Sometimes, what others want from us is wrong and should be rejected. Jesus knew his purpose on earth was not to become a political ruler, so when others tried to force him down that path, he distanced himself from those people and that situation.

2 Kings 17:13-14Again and again the Lord had sent his prophets and seers to warn both Israel and Judah: “Turn from all your evil ways. Obey my commands and decrees—the entire law that I commanded your ancestors to obey, and that I gave you through my servants the prophets.” But the Israelites would not listen.

In one sense, God’s boundaries seemed ineffective among the people of Israel. Perhaps he would have had an easier time convincing Israel to obey if he had simplified his laws to just a few easier commands. But God doesn’t change the truth when people get annoyed or upset. Truth is truth. If you are confident that your boundaries are necessary and God-honoring, don’t compromise them even when people get upset with you.

2 Kings 17:22-23They did not turn from these sins until the Lord finally swept them away from his presence, just as all his prophets had warned. So Israel was exiled from their land to Assyria.

If our healthy boundaries are being violated, we need to give people clear warnings. If they ignore those warnings, we must follow through with the consequences we have defined. Words aren’t enough for some people. It was only through consequences that God was able to inspire change in Israel.

Daniel 1:8-13Daniel was determined not to defile himself by eating the food and wine given to them by the king. He asked the chief of staff for permission not to eat these unacceptable foods. . . . But he [the chief of staff] responded, “I am afraid of my lord the king, who has ordered that you eat this food and wine. If you become pale and thin compared to the other youths your age, I am afraid the king will have me beheaded.” . . . “Please test us for ten days on a diet of vegetables and water,” Daniel said. “At the end of the ten days, see how we look compared to the other young men who are eating the king’s food. Then make your decision in light of what you see.”

Daniel and his friends couldn’t eat the food provided for him without breaking God’s kosher laws. Yet if the chief of staff honored his request, then the man might lose his life for failing to fulfill his job. Daniel honored these concerns by suggesting a trial period and allowing the attendant to make the final call. When we set boundaries with people in a position of authority over us, it is wise to do so in a way that shows we aren’t challenging their authority.

Luke 18:15-16One day some parents brought their little children to Jesus so he could touch and bless them. But when the disciples saw this, they scolded the parents for bothering him. Then Jesus called for the children and said to the disciples, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children.”

Sometimes people get upset because they think our boundaries aren’t strong enough. Even though Jesus’ time on earth was limited, Jesus didn’t keep a strict schedule of miracles and preaching. He left margin for opportunities like this—a chance to be present in the lives of some little children.

Mark 14:3-7While he [Jesus] was eating, a woman came in with a beautiful alabaster jar of expensive perfume made from essence of nard. She broke open the jar and poured the perfume over his head. Some of those at the table were indignant. “Why waste such expensive perfume?” they asked. “It could have been sold for a year’s wages and the money given to the poor!” So they scolded her harshly. But Jesus replied, “Leave her alone. Why criticize her for doing such a good thing to me? You will always have the poor among you, and you can help them whenever you want to. But you will not always have me.”

There are many good things we can do with our time and resources. Setting boundaries is often about choosing the better of those good things. Though the people around her didn’t recognize it, the woman who anointed Jesus’s feet was not acting selfishly in order to get attention or being callous toward the poor. She was simply acting out of her love for Jesus.

Luke 10:38-42As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.” But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Others will not always understand our boundaries and the priorities we set. Rather than helping her sister with the dinner preparation, Mary chose to give her attention to Jesus. Mary’s task-oriented sister, Martha, misunderstood Mary’s devotion to Jesus as an attempt to avoid work. Mary probably had been declining Martha’s hints to help her for some time, which is why Martha brought the matter to Jesus. Mary chose her priority and set her boundary. In the end, Jesus himself affirmed that she had chosen what was better.