How can I set healthy boundaries?
Luke 4:42-43Early the next morning Jesus went out to an isolated place. The crowds searched everywhere for him, and when they finally found him, they begged him not to leave them. But he replied, “I must preach the Good News of the Kingdom of God in other towns, too, because that is why I was sent.”
Jesus understood his priorities. When people challenged those priorities, he was able to express them clearly and stand firm.
Matthew 14:12-14Later, John’s disciples came for his body and buried it. Then they went and told Jesus what had happened. As soon as Jesus heard the news, he left in a boat to a remote area to be alone. But the crowds heard where he was headed and followed on foot from many towns. Jesus saw the huge crowd as he stepped from the boat, and he had compassion on them and healed their sick.
When Jesus learned of the death of his cousin and friend John the Baptist, he sought time alone to grieve. We can use boundaries to give ourselves time to rest, pray, and process our emotions. But along with his need to grieve, Jesus also weighed the needs of other people. In this instance, Jesus decided to delay his time alone until after he had met the needs of the sick people in the crowd.
Matthew 14:22Immediately after this, Jesus insisted that his disciples get back into the boat and cross to the other side of the lake, while he sent the people home. After sending them home, he went up into the hills by himself to pray. Night fell while he was there alone.
After meeting the crowd’s urgent needs, Jesus set his boundaries again and sent the people away so he could have time to pray and process John’s death. Jesus’ boundaries were adaptable, but in the end, he still made sure to give himself the space he needed.
Deuteronomy 11:13-17“If you carefully obey the commands I am giving you today, and if you love the Lord your God and serve him with all your heart and soul, then he will send the rains in their proper seasons . . . But be careful. Don’t let your heart be deceived so that you turn away from the Lord and serve and worship other gods. If you do, the Lord’s anger will burn against you. He will shut up the sky and hold back the rain.”
1 Kings 16:30-33Ahab son of Omri did what was evil in the Lord’s sight, even more than any of the kings before him. . . . First Ahab built a temple and an altar for Baal in Samaria. Then he set up an Asherah pole. He did more to provoke the anger of the Lord, the God of Israel, than any of the other kings of Israel before him.
1 Kings 17:1Now Elijah, who was from Tishbe in Gilead, told King Ahab, “As surely as the Lord, the God of Israel, lives—the God I serve—there will be no dew or rain during the next few years until I give the word!”
When God set boundaries for Israel, he set clear expectations. If Israel loved and followed him, he would bless their land. If they served other gods, he would hold back the rain. King Ahab led Israel after other gods—including Baal, the supposed god of rain. Through the prophet Elijah, God held Israel accountable for their actions. When we set boundaries, we should make our expectations clear to others, and if we outline consequences, we should keep our word. Otherwise, our boundaries won’t be taken seriously.
Exodus 18:14-23When Moses’ father-in-law saw all that Moses was doing for the people, he asked, “What are you really accomplishing here? Why are you trying to do all this alone while everyone stands around you from morning till evening?” Moses replied, “Because the people come to me to get a ruling from God. When a dispute arises, they come to me, and I am the one who settles the case between the quarreling parties. I inform the people of God’s decrees and give them his instructions.” “This is not good!” Moses’ father-in-law exclaimed. “You’re going to wear yourself out—and the people, too. This job is too heavy a burden for you to handle all by yourself. Now listen to me . . . Let the leaders decide the smaller matters themselves. They will help you carry the load, making the task easier for you. If you follow this advice, and if God commands you to do so, then you will be able to endure the pressures, and all these people will go home in peace.”
It’s easy to become trapped in a pattern of overworking ourselves. Maybe we feel like we are the only ones who can complete the work well. Maybe others feel like they need us, and we feel pressured to keep overworking ourselves so we won’t let them down. Moses found himself in such a situation, but his father-in-law, Jethro, wisely advised Moses to delegate his work. The overwhelming task that Moses carried was wearing him out and slowing down the judicial process. By setting boundaries to ensure only the most difficult cases were brought to him, Moses made a judicial system that was better for both him and the people.
Proverbs 2:7He [the Lord] grants a treasure of common sense to the honest.
Matthew 5:37“Just say a simple, ‘Yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.’ Anything beyond this is from the evil one.”
When we are honest with those around us about our boundaries, everyone is protected from unrealistic expectations and misunderstandings. Honesty with ourselves is just as important. For instance, if a husband is flirting with other women, he needs to be able to admit that fault before he can set healthy boundaries that honor his marriage.
Proverbs 21:16The person who strays from common sense will end up in the company of the dead.
Common sense is necessary for establishing personal boundaries. When we make decisions based on impulses or temporary emotions, we can get ourselves into a lot of trouble! Let your common sense be shaped and refined by God’s Word and by the wise people you know. Then when your common sense screams for you to say no, listen and act appropriately!
Psalm 119:11I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.
Psalm 119:35Make me walk along the path of your commands, for that is where my happiness is found.
Psalm 119:105Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.
When we hide God’s Word in our hearts, its perfect boundaries protect us from our tendency to sin.
Matthew 5:27-29“You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. So if your eye—even your good eye—causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.”
James 1:14-15Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.
Sometimes, we treat temptations as something to joke about. But sin isn’t a joke—it ruins lives. While Jesus did not literally mean that we should remove our eyes to avoid sin, he made it clear that cutting a source of temptation out of our lives is worth it, even if it comes at great cost.
Proverbs 28:1The wicked run away when no one is chasing them, but the godly are as bold as lions.
Acts 4:18-19So they [the religious leaders] called the apostles back in and commanded them never again to speak or teach in the name of Jesus. But Peter and John replied, “Do you think God wants us to obey you rather than him?”
2 Timothy 1:7God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
It takes bravery to be honest about our beliefs and stand firm regarding our boundaries. Yet when we are living by our convictions, that kind of confidence will come more and more naturally.
Proverbs 22:24-25Don’t befriend angry people or associate with hot-tempered people, or you will learn to be like them and endanger your soul.
1 Corinthians 15:33Don’t be fooled by those who say such things, for “bad company corrupts good character.”
2 Corinthians 6:14-15Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever?
Matthew 9:10-12Matthew invited Jesus and his disciples to his home as dinner guests, along with many tax collectors and other disreputable sinners. But when the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with such scum?” When Jesus heard this, he said, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do.”
Boundaries often hold things in tension. On one hand, we are called to choose our company wisely because we will become more like the people we surround ourselves with. On the other hand, we should reflect Jesus’ love and grace toward those trapped in sin. Consider carefully how your interactions with people are affecting your heart for God. Do you love God more or less because of the people you are with? If you are spending significant time with unbelievers and notice temptation or spiritual apathy growing in your life, it may be wise to pull back from such relationships.
Matthew 18:15-17“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.”
Healthy confrontation is an essential part of setting boundaries. Matthew 18 outlines a respectful way of handling conflict with a series of boundaries. While it is wise and kind to try to resolve an issue privately, if the unhealthy behavior continues, then it’s biblical to bring in outside counsel. Bringing in someone from outside the conflict may provide an objective perspective and a path to resolution.
Psalm 119:98Your commands make me wiser than my enemies, for they are my constant guide.
When we have an adversarial relationship with someone, we will be tempted to prove our superiority over them in countless ways. Instead, we should trust God’s wisdom and speak and act under his direction. Ignoring God’s Word will leave us following our own sinful desires—just like our adversaries.
Galatians 6:1If another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself.
Jude 1:22-23You must show mercy to those whose faith is wavering. Rescue others by snatching them from the flames of judgment. Show mercy to still others, but do so with great caution, hating the sins that contaminate their lives.
Leading someone away from sin sometimes puts us in an environment rife with temptation. Before approaching such an environment, we should consider our boundaries. For instance, an evangelist who is a recovering alcoholic would likely be wise to avoid evangelizing at a local bar.
Luke 17:3-4“If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if there is repentance, forgive. Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive.”
1 Corinthians 5:1-2I can hardly believe the report about the sexual immorality going on among you—something that even pagans don’t do. I am told that a man in your church is living in sin with his stepmother. . . . you should remove this man from your fellowship.
1 Corinthians 5:9-12I told you not to associate with people who indulge in sexual sin. But I wasn’t talking about unbelievers who indulge in sexual sin, or are greedy, or cheat people, or worship idols. You would have to leave this world to avoid people like that. I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don’t even eat with such people. It isn’t my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your responsibility to judge those inside the church who are sinning.
Even in the church, people sin. Such sin should always be confronted with the goal of reconciliation and forgiveness. However, there will be times when a church member lives in blatant and unrepentant sin, such as the man who was committing adultery and incest in Corinth. If a church keeps no boundaries—no standards for its members—then others may be led astray and Christ’s witness to the world will be tarnished. In such an extreme instance, a church may need to draw a boundary and separate completely from an individual until that individual repents.
Proverbs 27:5An open rebuke is better than hidden love!
2 Thessalonians 3:14-15Take note of those who refuse to obey what we say in this letter. Stay away from them so they will be ashamed. Don’t think of them as enemies, but warn them as you would a brother or sister.
James 5:19-20If someone among you wanders away from the truth and is brought back, you can be sure that whoever brings the sinner back from wandering will save that person from death and bring about the forgiveness of many sins.
We don’t need to be church leaders to remind other believers of God’s boundaries. If we see sin sinking its roots into a fellow believer’s life, we have a responsibility to warn them. It’s more loving to risk angering our friends than to stand idly by as sin grows uncontested in their lives.
