How can I set good boundaries for my children?
Proverbs 29:15To discipline a child produces wisdom, but a mother is disgraced by an undisciplined child.
Proverbs 29:17Discipline your children, and they will give you peace of mind and will make your heart glad.
Expectations that are not defined and boundaries that are not reinforced are meaningless. For instance, a small child might not intuitively understand that taking food from the store without paying for it is wrong. A parent must explain that to them, and if a child keeps stealing even after knowing it’s wrong, they need to be disciplined. Discipline helps motivate children to avoid dangerous and sinful behavior and value what is good.
Proverbs 22:6Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.
A young river often has shallow banks, but as the years pass, the river’s flow erodes the riverbed deeper and deeper, firmly setting the river’s course. In the same way, the values and behavior patterns children learn when they are young become stronger and deeper as they are reinforced over time.
Proverbs 19:18Discipline your children while there is hope. Otherwise you will ruin their lives.
During a season of flooding, a river that overflows the boundaries of its banks might carve itself a new course. Though the flood was only for a season, it will leave a lasting mark on the land. In the same way, weak or nonexistent boundaries can lead to dangerous behaviors that have long-term effects on a child’s life.
Hebrews 12:11No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.
At first, the fear of punishment may be a child’s only motivation for following the boundaries we set for them. As children grow older, however, they will start to recognize the good harvest that right living produces in their lives and be grateful for the wise boundaries that were set. This principle applies to all of us throughout our lives, not only to children. If we pursue righteous living, in time we will discover the good that comes from it. This will confirm the importance of our direction and strengthen our resolve going forward.
Proverbs 13:24Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.
Hebrews 12:5-6Have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as his children? He said, “My child, don’t make light of the Lord’s discipline, and don’t give up when he corrects you. For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child.”
Discipline is unpleasant and can cause children to act unpleasantly—whining, kicking and screaming, pouting. Sometimes, it feels easier not to discipline. But discipline is not performed because it is convenient. It is performed because a parent loves a child and wants them to become mature and wise. Discipline is a form of love, and God models this same kind of love for us in Scripture.
Deuteronomy 11:16-17“Don’t let your heart be deceived so that you turn away from the Lord and serve and worship other gods. If you do, the Lord’s anger will burn against you. He will shut up the sky and hold back the rain, and the ground will fail to produce its harvests.”
1 Kings 16:32-33First Ahab built a temple and an altar for Baal in Samaria. Then he set up an Asherah pole. He did more to provoke the anger of the Lord, the God of Israel, than any of the other kings of Israel before him.
1 Kings 17:1Now Elijah, who was from Tishbe in Gilead, told King Ahab, “As surely as the Lord, the God of Israel, lives—the God I serve—there will be no dew or rain during the next few years until I give the word!”
When God set boundaries for Israel, he set clear expectations. If Israel loved and followed him, he blessed them in their land. If they served other gods, God would allow foreign oppressors to invade or he would hold back the rain. King Ahab led Israel after other gods. In response, God reminded Israel of the punishment he had promised and carried out that punishment. When we set boundaries for our children, we should make our expectations clear to them, and if we outline consequences, we should keep our word. Otherwise, our boundaries won’t be taken seriously.
Ephesians 6:4Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.
Scripture has many verses about children respecting their parents, but parents should also model respect in the way they treat their children. Sometimes parents are hypercritical, belittling their children or ignoring their input. Sometimes parents break promises or use a double-standard. Sometimes parents overreact or lash out in anger. If we want our children to respect us, we should make it easier for them by being worthy of their respect.
1 Corinthians 11:1You should imitate me, just as I imitate Christ.
Hebrews 12:7-10Who ever heard of a child who is never disciplined by its father? . . . Our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God’s discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in his holiness.
Parents are never perfect. We can only do the best we know how. That is why it is critical that we model our lives after Jesus, becoming more like him every day. As our children see us loving God and honoring his boundaries, they will learn to love and honor him themselves. No matter how imperfect our parenting may be, if we can teach them that, they will be on the right path.
