When is it appropriate to abandon a relationship?
Proverbs 19:19Hot-tempered people must pay the penalty. If you rescue them once, you will have to do it again.
Proverbs 22:10Throw out the mocker, and fighting goes, too. Quarrels and insults will disappear.
Proverbs 22:24-25Don’t befriend angry people or associate with hot-tempered people, or you will learn to be like them and endanger your soul.
If someone is dangerous to be around, you may need to cut them out of your life until they demonstrate that they have truly changed. In your personal life, that could involve separating from a long-time friend or a family member.
Galatians 2:11-14When Peter came to Antioch, I had to oppose him to his face, for what he did was very wrong. When he first arrived, he ate with the Gentile believers, who were not circumcised. But afterward, when some friends of James came, Peter wouldn’t eat with the Gentiles anymore. He was afraid of criticism from these people who insisted on the necessity of circumcision. As a result, other Jewish believers followed Peter’s hypocrisy, and even Barnabas was led astray by their hypocrisy. When I saw that they were not following the truth of the gospel message, I said to Peter in front of all the others, “Since you, a Jew by birth, have discarded the Jewish laws and are living like a Gentile, why are you now trying to make these Gentiles follow the Jewish traditions?”
2 Peter 3:15This is what our beloved brother Paul also wrote to you with the wisdom God gave him.
A schism had begun to form among the Christians in Antioch between the Jewish and the Gentile believers, and even the apostle Peter had become part of the problem. But Paul’s first response was not to cut Peter off—it was to correct him boldly and set clear expectations for the relationship between Jewish and Gentile believers. It can be tempting to abandon a relationship when conflict first arises. However, confronting that conflict in a firm but loving way often yields better results. Based on one of Peter’s later letters (2 Peter), we see that Paul’s confrontation did not destroy Peter and Paul’s relationship, but rather strengthened it for the long haul.
Luke 4:42-43Early the next morning Jesus went out to an isolated place. The crowds searched everywhere for him, and when they finally found him, they begged him not to leave them. But he replied, “I must preach the Good News of the Kingdom of God in other towns, too, because that is why I was sent.”
John 6:15When Jesus saw that they were ready to force him to be their king, he slipped away into the hills by himself.
Jesus faced many demands and expectations from people. Sometimes, those demands and expectations became unhealthy. At one point, the crowds tried to keep Jesus from leaving, but Jesus knew his priority was to reach new places—and he told this clearly to the crowds. By setting a clear boundary, Jesus resolved the conflict. In another instance, a crowd of people decided they would force Jesus to become their king. Jesus had a clear understanding of what his heavenly Father had planned for his ministry on earth, and he knew it was not time for him to become an earthly king. Recognizing that the crowd had different expectations and would not respect his boundaries, Jesus abandoned the situation entirely. New boundaries are an opportunity to correct unhealthy patterns in a relationship, but if those boundaries are repeatedly disrespected, abandoning the relationship may be necessary.
1 Corinthians 13:4-5Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
Colossians 3:13Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.
2 Thessalonians 3:14-15Take note of those who refuse to obey what we say in this letter. Stay away from them so they will be ashamed. Don’t think of them as enemies, but warn them as you would a brother or sister.
The people close to us will seldom perfectly respect the expectations and boundaries we set. A family member may occasionally neglect to do the dishes, or a friend may not respect our tight schedule. Those boundaries matter, but occasional faults are an unavoidable part of living in relationship with others. Holding on to grudges about such faults leads to bitterness and undermines the foundational love of the relationship. However, some behavior goes beyond a fault or a mistake. Sometimes the boundary is significant enough—such as any kind of abuse or crossing a sexual boundary—that the relationship’s trust and safety is broken. Other times, a smaller boundary is broken repeatedly to the point of blatant disrespect—such as one friend expecting another to immediately drop what they are doing whenever they call. Such behavior might be grounds for ending a relationship.
Matthew 18:15-17“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.”
Scripture affirms the value of open communication and forgiveness. It also affirms bringing in an unbiased third party to help mediate a conflict. However, if your efforts are rejected and someone persists in toxic behaviors, it may be wise to end that relationship.
1 Corinthians 5:1-6I [the apostle Paul] can hardly believe the report about the sexual immorality going on among you—something that even pagans don’t do. I am told that a man in your church is living in sin with his stepmother. You are so proud of yourselves, but you should be mourning in sorrow and shame. And you should remove this man from your fellowship. . . . you must throw this man out and hand him over to Satan so that his sinful nature will be destroyed and he himself will be saved on the day the Lord returns.
When someone who claims to be a believer is living in bold, unrepentant sin, it is appropriate for Christians to distance themselves. If a Christian community tolerates adultery or abuse, that person is enabled to keep on living in sin. That sends a message to others in the church that such behavior is okay. It also signals to people outside the church that Christians don’t really believe what they preach. The intent behind sending someone away is not only for the health of the church but also for the salvation of the one who is sent away. As Paul says in 1 Corinthians 5:5, the hope is that “he himself will be saved on the day the Lord returns.”
2 Corinthians 6:14Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?
Matthew 5:13“You are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless.”
Matthew 5:14-16“You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.”
Matthew 9:10-13Matthew invited Jesus and his disciples to his home as dinner guests, along with many tax collectors and other disreputable sinners. But when the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with such scum?” When Jesus heard this, he said, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do.” Then he added, “Now go and learn the meaning of this Scripture: ‘I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.’ For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.”
Galatians 6:1If another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself.
Some Christians cut off relationships with any Christian who doesn’t fit their personal standard of beliefs and behavior. Other Christians people-please, affirming sin to avoid conflict and maintain the approval of others. Neither of these approaches represents Christ’s character. As representatives of Jesus, we are called to be both salt and light—salt that preserves godliness and light that brings God’s love to others. We must be careful not to foster relationships that pull us into sin, but at the same time we should not abandon relationships where Christ is calling us to be a light. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all rule we can use to sort this out. It takes prayer and discernment.
Matthew 6:14-15“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
Matthew 5:44“But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!”
Luke 23:34Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.”
Romans 12:19Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord.
Scripture commands us to forgive those who have hurt us—but it does not command us to rebuild every relationship. When you forgive someone after you have ended a relationship, you are not saying the hurt isn’t real, or that their behavior was excusable, or that you will put yourself in a position where you might be harmed again. Forgiveness is a choice to let go of the bitterness you have held in your heart, a refusal to let that person keep holding power over your life. The person who hurt you doesn’t need to know what you are choosing to do. The act of forgiveness occurs between you and God. Leave your hurt with God and allow his power to heal you from the inside so you can have a fresh start.
