Is it my fault that I have been abandoned? Is there something wrong with me?
Ruth 1:3-5Then Elimelech died, . . . about ten years later, both Mahlon and Kilion died. This left Naomi alone, without her two sons or her husband.
Ruth 1:20-21“Don’t call me Naomi,” she responded. “Instead, call me Mara, for the Almighty has made life very bitter for me. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me home empty. Why call me Naomi when the Lord has caused me to suffer and the Almighty has sent such tragedy upon me?”
Naomi experienced deep feelings of abandonment—both from the death of her husband and sons, and then from feeling that God had abandoned her in her troubles. Whether abandonment happens by choice (such as by divorce) or not by choice (such as by death), it can cause us to feel unloved, alone, and cast aside. Abandonment is not only painful—it’s disorienting. In an attempt to understand our abandonment, we may blame ourselves or even blame God.
Ruth 1:6-13So Naomi and her daughters-in-law got ready to leave Moab to return to her homeland. . . . Naomi replied, “Why should you go on with me? Can I still give birth to other sons who could grow up to be your husbands? No, my daughters, return to your parents’ homes, for I am too old to marry again. . . . Things are far more bitter for me than for you, because the Lord himself has raised his fist against me.”
Ruth 1:14-18Again they wept together, and Orpah kissed her mother-in-law good-bye. But Ruth clung tightly to Naomi. “Look,” Naomi said to her, “your sister-in-law has gone back to her people and to her gods. You should do the same.” But Ruth replied, “Don’t ask me to leave you and turn back. Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God.” . . . When Naomi saw that Ruth was determined to go with her, she said nothing more.
Ruth 4:13-15So Boaz took Ruth into his home, and she became his wife. When he slept with her, the Lord enabled her to become pregnant, and she gave birth to a son. Then the women of the town said to Naomi, “Praise the Lord, who has now provided a redeemer for your family! May this child be famous in Israel. May he restore your youth and care for you in your old age. For he is the son of your daughter-in-law who loves you and has been better to you than seven sons!”
Naomi’s feelings of abandonment led to bitterness, shame, and self-sabotage. Naomi believed that she was a burden to her daughters-in-law, so she encouraged them to abandon her as well. In her mind, what Orpah and Ruth really needed were new husbands, not an old widow to care for. Because of Naomi’s insistence, Orpah did indeed leave her; Naomi’s abandonment trauma became a self-fulfilling prophecy. However, Naomi’s other daughter-in-law, Ruth, refused to leave despite Naomi’s efforts to push her away. Through Ruth’s faithfulness and God’s provision, Naomi was able to realize she was deeply loved. Whether you have a Ruth in your life or not, know that God has not rejected or abandoned you, even when life feels lonely. Like Naomi, you are deeply loved, and the way your story has gone in the past will not necessarily determine its ending.
Genesis 40:23Pharaoh’s chief cup-bearer, however, forgot all about Joseph, never giving him another thought.
Acts 15:37-38Barnabas agreed and wanted to take along John Mark. But Paul disagreed strongly, since John Mark had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in their work.
Joseph and the apostle Paul were both abandoned by people they had relied on—and not through any fault of their own.
2 Samuel 11:3-4He [David] sent someone to find out who she was, and he was told, “She is Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite.” Then David sent messengers to get her; and when she came to the palace, he slept with her.
2 Samuel 11:15The letter [from David] instructed Joab, “Station Uriah on the front lines where the battle is fiercest. Then pull back so that he will be killed.”
Uriah had served David faithfully, yet David abandoned Uriah to his death. This was not because Uriah had done wrong, but because David was trying to cover up his own adultery with Uriah’s wife. Sin is often a factor in our abandonment, but that sin is not always our own.
Mark 14:50Then all his [Jesus’] disciples deserted him and ran away.
Matthew 26:71-72Later, out by the gate, another servant girl noticed him [Peter] and said to those standing around, “This man was with Jesus of Nazareth.” Again Peter denied it, this time with an oath. “I don’t even know the man,” he said.
Jesus—who lived a perfect life—was still abandoned by his closest friends. People abandon relationships for a variety of reasons, and many of those reasons have nothing to do with the person they are abandoning. Sometimes people push loved ones away because of their own depression, past traumas, or present fears. In the case of Jesus’ disciples, their fear for their lives overwhelmed their loyalty to Jesus.
Acts 15:37-40Barnabas agreed and wanted to take along John Mark. But Paul disagreed strongly, since John Mark had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in their work. Their disagreement was so sharp that they separated. Barnabas took John Mark with him and sailed for Cyprus. Paul chose Silas.
Colossians 4:10Aristarchus, who is in prison with me [Paul], sends you his greetings, and so does Mark, Barnabas’s cousin. As you were instructed before, make Mark welcome if he comes your way.
2 Timothy 4:11Bring Mark with you when you come, for he will be helpful to me [Paul] in my ministry.
Paul and his close friend, Barnabas, parted ways due to a disagreement about John Mark. However, both had good reasons for their disagreement. Paul didn’t want to bring an unreliable person (John Mark) on his missionary journey. However, Barnabas wanted to give his cousin, John Mark, a second chance. Perhaps their disagreement was handled with respect and maturity. Perhaps their separation came with hurt feelings and a sense of abandonment. In any case, we have good reason to believe that Paul, Barnabas, and John Mark all reconciled, since Paul later praised John Mark’s helpfulness in ministry. Relationships are complicated. Though we may feel abandoned or betrayed by someone who chooses to move in a different direction, it is not necessarily their intention to abandon our relationship. Sometimes, such as with Paul, Barnabas, and John Mark, the shift will ultimately benefit the long-term health of a relationship and open new channels for God’s work.
Matthew 18:15-17“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.”
Titus 3:10If people are causing divisions among you, give a first and second warning. After that, have nothing more to do with them.
There are legitimate reasons for ending a relationship. If you have been warned about how your behavior is harming someone else, it is possible you are at fault in a friend’s leaving you. However, getting the opinion of someone outside the dispute may give you a clearer perspective about what is behind a separation.
John 4:16-18“Go and get your husband,” Jesus told her. “I don’t have a husband,” the woman replied. Jesus said, “You’re right! You don’t have a husband—for you have had five husbands, and you aren’t even married to the man you’re living with now. You certainly spoke the truth!”
Sometimes, people get caught in cycles of abandonment. We don’t know why the woman at the well had a string of unstable relationships. However, relational trauma often initiates such patterns. Perhaps one or more of her husbands had died. Or perhaps she was abused as a child or by her first husband, which may have driven her into other unhealthy relationships. Perhaps she was abandoned by someone close to her, and her fear of being abandoned again led her to subconsciously sabotage her relationships. Perhaps she felt unworthy of being loved and pushed each new partner away. Perhaps she was attracted to the wrong kind of men and kept falling into abusive relationships. Regardless of what was “wrong” with her, Jesus saw her as someone worthy of love and respect—and she became a powerful witness for God’s good news.
1 Corinthians 7:15If the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the believing husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.
Marital abandonment is particularly painful and complex. It often comes without warning or explanation. Faithful Christian spouses are left feeling guilty, assuming they must have done something wrong. Scripture does not address the specific causes of every marital abandonment. However, Paul does address one common manifestation of it. In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul describes how tensions may form between a Christian and their unbelieving spouse. While Paul advises the Christian to stay faithful to the marriage, he also recognizes that the unbeliever may choose to abandon the relationship. In such a situation, Paul tells the Christian to be at peace—they have done their part. They cannot control their spouse’s decisions, and they are no longer bound to that spouse.
Isaiah 49:15Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for the child she has borne?
Ephesians 5:25-28For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. . . . In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies.
1 Timothy 5:8Those who won’t care for their relatives, especially those in their own household, have denied the true faith. Such people are worse than unbelievers.
Abandoning family members can come in many forms: A father may abandon his wife and child to fend for themselves. A mother may abandon her children to the whims of her abusive husband. A daughter may abandon her widowed mother to loneliness and poverty. Abandonment comes in many forms, but Scripture condemns all such behavior.
Genesis 37:2-9When Joseph was seventeen years old, he often tended his father’s flocks. He worked for his half brothers, the sons of his father’s wives Bilhah and Zilpah. But Joseph reported to his father some of the bad things his brothers were doing. Jacob loved Joseph more than any of his other children because Joseph had been born to him in his old age. So one day Jacob had a special gift made for Joseph—a beautiful robe. But his brothers hated Joseph because their father loved him more than the rest of them. They couldn’t say a kind word to him. One night Joseph had a dream, and when he told his brothers about it, they hated him more than ever. “Listen to this dream,” he said. “We were out in the field, tying up bundles of grain. Suddenly my bundle stood up, and your bundles all gathered around and bowed low before mine!” His brothers responded, “So you think you will be our king, do you? Do you actually think you will reign over us?” And they hated him all the more because of his dreams and the way he talked about them.
Genesis 37:23-28When Joseph arrived, his brothers ripped off the beautiful robe he was wearing. Then they grabbed him and threw him into the cistern. . . . when the Ishmaelites, who were Midianite traders, came by, Joseph’s brothers pulled him out of the cistern and sold him to them for twenty pieces of silver. And the traders took him to Egypt.
Joseph’s brothers had good reason to be frustrated with him. Joseph was their father’s favorite, and Joseph kept telling their father bad things about his brothers. Joseph even boasted that he would one day rule over his brothers. Yet the brothers’ reaction—to sell Joseph into slavery—was completely unjustified. Joseph had a responsibility for his own sins, but he was not guilty of the sins his brothers committed against him in response. The same is true for us.
