How can I heal from my abandonment?

Proverbs 18:24There are “friends” who destroy each other.

Proverbs 30:20An adulterous woman consumes a man, then wipes her mouth and says, “What’s wrong with that?”

Sometimes, a person who made us feel abandoned doesn’t realize they were hurtful. In other cases, that person may even deny they hurt us. In order to heal from our feelings of abandonment, we must first acknowledge those feelings and the reality of what caused them.

Ruth 1:3-5Then Elimelech died . . . about ten years later, both Mahlon and Kilion died. This left Naomi alone, without her two sons or her husband.

Abandonment trauma can become complex and compounded when we experience it multiple times—whether that abandonment was someone’s choice or not. For Naomi, her husband and sons didn’t choose to die, but she still felt abandoned over and over again. She was also grieving that her family line had ended (an important part of her culture) and that she now faced the stress of extreme poverty. Together, this created a multifaceted web of hurts and fears for Naomi.

Ruth 1:6-13So Naomi and her daughters-in-law got ready to leave Moab to return to her homeland . . . But Naomi replied, “Why should you go on with me? Can I still give birth to other sons who could grow up to be your husbands? No, my daughters, return to your parents’ homes, for I am too old to marry again. . . . Things are far more bitter for me than for you, because the Lord himself has raised his fist against me.”

Ruth 1:14-15Again they wept together, and Orpah kissed her mother-in-law good-bye. But Ruth clung tightly to Naomi. “Look,” Naomi said to her, “your sister-in-law has gone back to her people and to her gods. You should do the same.”

Abandonment trauma may cause us to self-sabotage our relationships. After her series of traumas, Naomi had begun to anticipate that the people she loved would leave her, and she had begun to believe that God had abandoned her to loneliness and poverty. Naomi believed that she was a burden to her daughters-in-law, so she encouraged them to abandon her as well. Orpah did indeed leave: Naomi’s abandonment trauma was becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. However, Naomi’s other daughter-in-law, Ruth, refused to leave despite Naomi’s efforts to push her away. Through Ruth’s faithfulness and God’s provision, Naomi was able to realize she was deeply loved.

Ephesians 4:31Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words.

Harboring bitterness only poisons our own soul. For those who are abandoned, the hurt is real and often leaves deep emotional scars. When life isn’t fair, when we are cast aside by someone we should have been able to trust—that’s when bitterness can consume us. Through our bitterness, we permit the person who abandoned us to maintain a level of power over us. It is essential to recognize and deal with that bitterness before it overwhelms us. Otherwise, we may struggle to find healing and not be able to move on.

Matthew 5:44“But I [Jesus] say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!”

Matthew 6:14-15“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

Luke 23:34Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.” And the soldiers gambled for his clothes by throwing dice.

Romans 12:19Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord.

This may be the hardest act of the Christian life: forgiving those who have wronged us terribly without any hope that they will change. But forgiveness is the only way to purge our souls of the toxin of bitterness and a vengeful spirit. By remembering God’s grace for our own sins, we can find the strength and the grace to forgive others. When you forgive someone who abandoned you, you are not saying that the hurt isn’t real or that the abandonment was excusable or that you will give them the same level of trust again. Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation. Forgiving the person who abandoned you means that you refuse to let that person’s actions control your life. The person who hurt you doesn’t need to know what you are choosing to do. The act of forgiveness occurs between you and God. Leave your hurt with God and allow his power to heal you from the inside so you can have a fresh start.

Proverbs 17:9Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.

Luke 22:56-62A servant girl noticed him [Peter] in the firelight and began staring at him. Finally she said, “This man was one of Jesus’ followers!” But Peter denied it. “Woman,” he said, “I don’t even know him!” . . . At that moment the Lord turned and looked at Peter. Suddenly, the Lord’s words flashed through Peter’s mind: “Before the rooster crows tomorrow morning, you will deny three times that you even know me.” And Peter left the courtyard, weeping bitterly.

John 21:17A third time he [Jesus] asked him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt that Jesus asked the question a third time. He said, “Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Then feed my sheep.”

Acts 15:37-38Barnabas agreed and wanted to take along John Mark. But Paul disagreed strongly, since John Mark had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in their work.

2 Timothy 4:11Bring Mark with you when you come, for he will be helpful to me [Paul] in my ministry.

Peter Abandoned Jesus. Mark abandoned Paul. Yet both were given a second chance—and proved themselves worthy many times over. Sometimes, the person who abandoned us truly repents of what they have done. In such situations, grace and reconciliation may bring the healing you both need.

Matthew 10:16“Look, I am sending you out as sheep among wolves. So be as shrewd as snakes and harmless as doves.”

It can be hard to know which people are truly repentant. Discernment is a skill that takes prayer, practice, and patience. Forgiveness is a gift, but trust must be earned over time.

1 Corinthians 7:3The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs.

Ephesians 5:28-29, 33Husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. . . . No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. . . . So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

1 Timothy 5:8Those who won’t care for their relatives, especially those in their own household, have denied the true faith. Such people are worse than unbelievers.

Hebrews 13:4Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.

Healthy relationships come with healthy expectations and boundaries. For instance, a marriage relationship has the expectation that husband and wife will love and respect one another (which includes boundaries, such as sexual boundaries). Parents have a responsibility to provide for their children, and children have a responsibility to care for their parents when they grow old. Abandonment often comes in the form of neglecting the expectations and boundaries set by God for any family.

Proverbs 27:5An open rebuke is better than hidden love!

Matthew 18:15-17“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.”

Healthy confrontation is an essential part of setting expectations and boundaries. Matthew 18 outlines a respectful way of handling conflict with a series of ever-widening boundaries. While it is wise and kind to try to resolve an issue privately, if the unhealthy behavior continues, then it is biblical to bring in outside counsel. Bringing in someone from outside a conflict may provide an objective perspective and a path to resolution.

1 Samuel 18:7-9This was their song: “Saul has killed his thousands, and David his ten thousands!” This made Saul very angry. “What’s this?” he said. “They credit David with ten thousands and me with only thousands. Next they’ll be making him their king!” So from that time on Saul kept a jealous eye on David.

1 Samuel 24:8-10David came out and shouted after him, “My lord the king!” And when Saul looked around, David bowed low before him. Then he shouted to Saul, “Why do you listen to the people who say I am trying to harm you? This very day you can see with your own eyes it isn’t true. For the Lord placed you at my mercy back there in the cave. Some of my men told me to kill you, but I spared you. For I said, ‘I will never harm the king—he is the Lord’s anointed one.’”

Proverbs 14:30A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.

Proverbs 27:4Anger is cruel, and wrath is like a flood, but jealousy is even more dangerous.

Those of us who have been abandoned in the past often fear it will happen again, and we start to perceive the slightest things as warning signs that someone will leave us. One way this often happens is through jealousy. Scripture describes jealousy as even more dangerous than anger—a cancer that destroys us from the inside out. King Saul’s jealousy of David caused him to try to kill his most faithful servant. While we should not ignore the warning signs of unfaithfulness, we should be very cautious about assuming the worst. Such assumptions can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, leading us to push people away from us despite their loyalty.

Genesis 50:1Joseph threw himself on his father and wept over him and kissed him.

2 Samuel 18:33The king was overcome with emotion. He went up to the room over the gateway and burst into tears. And as he went, he cried, “O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you! O Absalom, my son, my son.”

Jeremiah 9:20Listen, you women, to the words of the Lord; open your ears to what he has to say. Teach your daughters to wail; teach one another how to lament.

Sometimes, our sense of abandonment comes from the death of someone significant to us. We need to give ourselves the permission and freedom to grieve—whether we had a healthy relationship with that person or not. Honest expressions of grief, such as crying, are a necessary part of healing. They allow us to release the emotional pressure of our sorrow.

Lamentations 3:18-24I cry out, “My splendor is gone! Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!” The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!”

Lamentations 3:31-33No one is abandoned by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.

Lamentations 3:48-50Tears stream from my eyes because of the destruction of my people! My tears flow endlessly; they will not stop until the Lord looks down from heaven and sees.

Lamentations 5:19-22Lord, you remain the same forever! Your throne continues from generation to generation. Why do you continue to forget us? Why have you abandoned us for so long? Restore us, O Lord, and bring us back to you again! Give us back the joys we once had! Or have you utterly rejected us? Are you angry with us still?

Jeremiah was a faithful prophet, but his warnings to his people were rejected—sometimes violently. In time, their rejection of God led to heavy consequences: the fall of Jerusalem to the Babylonians and exile for the people of Judah. Jeremiah had a great deal to grieve over: the apparent failure of his faithful ministry; the personal rejection he faced from his people; the war, destruction, and death that overcame Jerusalem; the poverty, homelessness, and suffering that he and the rest of his people now faced in exile; and even the fear and pain of feeling abandoned by God. Known as the weeping prophet, Jeremiah shared his pain freely in his book of Lamentations, an honest admission of his fears, frustrations, sorrows—and hopes. Scripture invites us to do the same.

Psalm 22:1-2My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why are you so far away when I groan for help? Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night I lift my voice, but I find no relief.

Psalm 22:9-11Yet you brought me safely from my mother’s womb and led me to trust you at my mother’s breast. I was thrust into your arms at my birth. You have been my God from the moment I was born. Do not stay so far from me, for trouble is near, and no one else can help me.

Psalm 22:23-24Praise the Lord, all you who fear him! Honor him, all you descendants of Jacob! Show him reverence, all you descendants of Israel! For he has not ignored or belittled the suffering of the needy. He has not turned his back on them, but has listened to their cries for help.

Psalm 77:1-3I cry out to God; yes, I shout. Oh, that God would listen to me! When I was in deep trouble, I searched for the Lord. All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven, but my soul was not comforted. I think of God, and I moan, overwhelmed with longing for his help.

The psalms teach us how to cry out to God when we experience feelings of grief and abandonment. We might believe that we are supposed to feel a certain way when we pray, and it can be tempting to put on a false front before God. But that’s not at all what David, Asaph, and the other psalmists did. Instead, they bared their feelings, fears, and doubts before God, honestly admitting what they were going through. Only then, once they had let that out, did they steer their thoughts to God’s love, power, and promises. Take some time to read Psalm 22 and Psalm 77 in their entirety, and meditate on the grief and the hope in the words.

Isaiah 53:3He was despised and rejected—a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.

Mark 14:43-50Immediately, even as Jesus said this, Judas, one of the twelve disciples, arrived with a crowd of men armed with swords and clubs. . . . Then all his disciples deserted him and ran away.

Jesus experienced abandonment too. When we pray, we are talking to a God who truly understands how we feel.

Proverbs 29:25Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety.

John 6:60-66Many of his [Jesus’] disciples said, “This is very hard to understand. How can anyone accept it?” . . . At this point many of his disciples turned away and deserted him.

John 12:42-43Many people did believe in him [Jesus], however, including some of the Jewish leaders. But they wouldn’t admit it for fear that the Pharisees would expel them from the synagogue. For they loved human praise more than the praise of God.

Many people suffering from abandonment trauma were abandoned as children. We feel as if we had done something wrong, and now we must be the best coworker, friend, or spouse in order to prevent that from happening again. But even if we were perfect like Jesus, that wouldn’t necessarily protect us from abandonment. That’s because abandonment is often influenced by the sins of others rather than our own. Jesus—who never sinned—was betrayed and abandoned too, and he felt that pain deeply. However, he was also confident in his Father’s plan, confident in who he was called to be, and confident in what he was called to do. When we seek our Father’s will first, like Jesus, we will become more at peace despite the shifting tides of human opinion and behavior.

Psalm 147:3He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.

Matthew 11:28Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”

Matthew 15:30-31Jesus . . . healed them all.

Only Jesus can truly heal broken lives. That healing may not be instantaneous—it takes time to heal the heart and mind—but such healing is miraculous all the same.