Take Time To Connect

CORE PRACTICE #63: Find a way to talk daily about what is happening in each other’s life.

Encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing. . . . And live peacefully with each other. —1 Thessalonians 5:11, 13

Lauren

Dinnertime at the Harris household was lively. My dad worked in real estate, and he loved to tell stories over the kitchen table about his clients and the homes they’d looked at. He and my mom always encouraged us kids to talk about our days too.

For the first few years of our marriage, I longed for the same kind of discussions with Tony when he arrived home after putting in ten or eleven hours at the office.

“How was your day? What’s going on with the Steelers?” I’d ask after greeting him with a kiss.

“Oh, not too much, not too much” was his typical response as he started flipping through that day’s mail. I knew he wasn’t the most talkative guy, so before long I learned to initiate conversations. I’d listen to talk radio and watch the six o’clock news to see what I could use to begin a conversation with Tony later. That also enabled me to ask more direct questions about his day, like, “I heard five players were cut today. Is that really true?”

He’d nod and keep reading the mail. No progress.

Finally, we discussed it and made headway. It turns out he wasn’t taking my opening as a cue to start a conversation; instead, he was thinking, Well, if you heard it on TV, we don’t need to rehash it. That’s old news. Especially if it wasn’t earth-shattering. Those are just little details, he’d think. She wouldn’t be interested in hearing any more about that.

Once he realized that my need for conversation wasn’t for more information but for connection, he was open to setting aside time simply to talk. Finding the right time, however, was more of a challenge than we expected. After all, I’m more of a night owl whereas Tony heads to bed as soon as he gets tired . . . and he would usually come home tired!

Because Tony is quiet by nature, he needed to decompress when he first got home. But after dinner we took a walk, which was our chance to share our hearts with each other. As we did, we felt more connected and satisfied with our relationship.

A recent study backs up our experience. According to Angela Hicks, an associate professor of psychology at Westminster College in Salt Lake City, couples who discuss recent positive events every night feel better the following day, and are more intimate and connected with their spouses.^a

It certainly has worked for us. It hasn’t always been easy to find time to connect, but it’s been so worth it. Turns out the little details don’t matter so much in themselves—but talking about them matters a great deal.

Adventure Application: Do you set aside time regularly to talk with your spouse about his or her day? If so, keep it up! If not, discuss what is keeping you from connecting daily. How might you work that into your schedule?