Similar Characteristics

You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy. Psalm 30:11

When I worked in a New York editorial office, the staff planned an article on adult children of alcoholics, and I was chosen to attend an Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) convention. Though I don’t like placing folks into pigeonholes, I was amazed at some of the similarities among those raised in dysfunctional homes:

On the inside, an adult child from a dysfunctional family, whom I’ll call a CDF, is a needy person trying not to be needy. She has grown up in a house filled with fear of abandonment, fear of confrontation, fear of being left out, fear of anger.
For the CDF, control is a big issue. Since his childhood home was usually out of control, he will attempt to control any area open to him, often with endless rules and lists.
A CDF doesn’t know what “normal” is, including how relationships between family members are supposed to work.
A CDF often makes a wonderful employee because she trusts outer direction rather than inner direction. She’s always looking to someone who will show her how the system is supposed to work.
A CDF would rather deal with the pain he knows than with the pain he doesn’t know. This is often seen through a CDF’s being addicted to “empty wells,” that is, partners who are emotionally unavailable.
The CDF continues to internalize what her parents said. She doesn’t process “You’re stupid; get out of my sight” as the mumblings of a drunk or an emotionally unstable adult but as a true statement about her own lack of value.

Emotional freedom comes as CDFs realize their parents could not do any better. But coming to that realization and accepting that conclusion may take years.

—SANDRA

Lord, I don’t like fitting a pattern. I like to think of myself as a strong individual who is molded in your unique way, not as a “cookie-cutter creature.” But help me to know patterns can serve a useful purpose. After all, if I can see how I got into a situation, I will also see the way out.

Those who wear the shoe know best where it pinches.

—CHARLES HADDON SPURGEON (1834–1892), BRITISH PREACHER

From the book