Release Old Patterns

Release Old Patterns

Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God. Ephesians 5:1-2

For many people, the holidays are filled with memories far from a cozy gathering around the fireplace. And when extended families do gather, tension, disappointment, and increased stress abound, with everyone trying to pretend nothing is wrong.

Melinda knows that scenario all too well. When her family of origin gets together, the results are disastrous since her adult siblings revert to their childhood patterns in the way they react to one another and to their parents. Her brother, even at forty-two, believes his status as only son entitles him to special privileges, such as insisting his elderly mother prepare his favorite dishes for each meal, and his sisters follow his whims for each day’s activities. Melinda’s younger sister, the one her father called “Beauty,” is a buyer for a major department store chain, but under the old roof, she assumes the whining personality of the eight-year-old she used to be. Melinda’s older sister, a talented professional, can’t relax and becomes the controller once again as she cleans out cabinets and rearranges their mother’s kitchen. Even Melinda, an award-winning teacher, again finds herself belittled by her siblings.

Why does Melinda find these actions so painful? Because she realizes she and her siblings are adults acting like children. And when she is performing the old role, she experiences the same feelings she felt years ago. Emotionally, she has moved back into that early situation where others were pounding her self-esteem and she was convinced she was not lovable.

When old childhood roles are being played out in the lives of adults, no one appreciates the accomplishments each one has made in the passing years. Wisely, though, early in their marriage, Melinda encouraged her husband to join her in shaping their own holiday traditions. Then, throughout the year, they invite her siblings to visit separately to get to know them as adult individuals. By refusing to stay in the old role, Melinda has found a way to keep the past from getting in her eyes. —SANDRA

Lord, help me not to slip back into the patterns of my family of origin. Help me to be an example of strength and peace. May family members see you through me.

There is never much trouble in any family where the children hope someday to resemble their parents.

—WILLIAM LYON PHELPS (1865–1943), AMERICAN AUTHOR AND SCHOLAR