Walking In Each Other’s Shoes

Walking in Each Other’s Shoes

Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.

Romans 12:3

“Our viewers want to know the most important thing they can do for their relationships,” the producer told us. We were sitting in plush leather chairs, sipping bottled water out of straws in the green room of the famous Harpo Studios in Chicago. “Oprah is likely to ask you,” the producer continued, “if you could give only one suggestion for improving relationships, what would it be?”

We didn’t have to think twice. It wasn’t the first time we’d been asked; we hear this question a lot. In fact, for nearly every interview we do, the question is inevitable.

When it comes to that crucial component in a successful relationship—whether it be at work, with family, or on the church board—there’s no need to guess. We stand on a mountain of research when we tell you the answer. In a word, it’s empathy. It’s putting yourself in another’s shoes.

Let’s not kid anyone. Empathy is not always easy. But empathy can be easier than you think. In fact, it can become downright habit forming. The catch? Empathy can never do its invaluable work unless it’s predicated on emotional self-awareness. Let’s look into that a little bit.

In 1990 Yale psychologist Peter Salovey coined the phrase emotional intelligence to describe qualities that bring human interactions to their peak of performance. Harvard psychologist Daniel Goleman brought the phrase into the national conversation with his groundbreaking book on the subject. He calls empathy our “social radar” and believes that, at the very least, empathy enables us to read another’s emotions. And at the highest levels, empathy understands the concerns that lie behind the person’s emotions. But all this emotional processing is predicated on being aware of what we are feeling at a given moment.

In other words, the key to identifying and understanding another person’s emotional terrain, experts agree, is an intimate familiarity with our own. Trading places demands that we put aside our own emotional agendas for the time being in order to clearly receive the other person’s signals. The point is that if we don’t know what we are feeling, we can’t set our own emotions aside—temporarily—to enter the emotional world of another.

Does all this research come as a surprise to God? Of course not. He’s the one who wired us to work this way. “Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves,” his Scriptures say, according to the standard of “the faith God has given us.” When you harness the power of empathy based on a standard of faith, you will enjoy a connection with your spouse like you never have before.

Empathy builds on self-awareness.

—Daniel Goleman