For The To-do List Spouse

For the To-Do List Spouse

When the Father sends the Advocate as my representative—that is, the Holy Spirit—he will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I have told you.

John 14:26

Some years ago I (Les) thought I could check a bunch of “loving behaviors” off my to-do list with Leslie by using a nifty feature on our voice-mail system. It’s called “future delivery.” It allows you to record a message now and then determine the day you want it to be delivered in the future. I recorded a dozen or so loving messages to Leslie and then programmed them to be sent on various days in the coming month. Boom! I could check that issue off my list for a while.

At first, Leslie was pleased to receive them. “Hey, thanks for that nice message today,” she’d say.

“What message?” I’d ask, before remembering what I had done days earlier. But a few messages into this, Leslie began to catch on to what I had done. Suddenly the messages weren’t so meaningful. And truth be told, they weren’t coming from the heart. I was trying to take a shortcut, and it left both of us unsatisfied.

Are you like me, a to-do list spouse?

In reality, I simply needed some reminders to focus my attention on my spouse. I needed a prompt from the Holy Spirit to be sure I was sincerely tuned in to my marriage—rather than being consumed by an upcoming book deadline, a university project, or a speaking engagement. So I began to send myself a few “future delivery” reminders, this time via my own electronic calendar. At times that I designate, I plug in reminders for various things I want to convey or do with my wife: Ask Leslie how I can help her this week; wash her car and fill it with gas; take her to dinner; take the kids out and give her a quiet evening at home. You get the idea. I simply place reminders on my calendar that increase the odds of me investing in my marriage.^a

To love for the sake of being loved is human, but to love for the sake of loving is angelic.

—Alphonse de Lamartine

^a 134