Across The Kitchen Table

Across the Kitchen Table

Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.

Proverbs 18:13

I (Les) talked with a man recently who was at a meeting in New York where the Toshiba computer people were demonstrating a remarkable new product, a universal translation computer that can translate words from one language to another at a rate of one thousand words per minute.

The demonstration involved two couples conversing long distance. One couple from Africa spoke Swahili. The other, in Alaska standing by their igloo, spoke Tlingit. As the Swahili couple talked to the couple in Alaska, they smiled in understanding and appreciation as their words were instantly translated near the bottom of a life-size split screen that showed both couples.

The only problem came when the Swahili man, trying to use an idiomatic expression to compliment the wife of the Tlingit gentleman, said that she looked like a bird. This was the highest compliment in Swahili. However, when it was translated, it came through as “Your wife looks like a pigeon.”

The Tlingit man scowled at what the African had said to him about his wife until the machine straightened out the translation, and he understood that his wife was beautiful, like the most lovely bird they have on the African continent. It was at that point, my friend told me, that the couples’ expressions began to glow. They understood each other.

Understanding, whether it be across continents with different languages or across the kitchen table with different perspectives, is the bridge we build from our hearts, and it cannot be constructed quickly—not even with a high-powered computer. Of course, that’s the temptation, especially in marriage. We want to take a shortcut through our partner’s pain, or happiness, as the case may be. But understanding can never be rushed. Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will.” King would know. And so, I suppose, would we.

How many times have you heard your partner describe a predicament—a mishap at work, a problem with the kids, a misunderstanding with a friend—and proceeded to prematurely solve his or her problem? You laid out three easy steps to improve the whole mess, checked it off your evening’s to-do list, and went on to the next thing. Husbands, in particular, seem compelled to fix their partner’s problems, but the truth is men and women are equally guilty of this marital mishap.

So the next time you are tempted to fix, solve, or explain your spouse’s problem, remember the words of today’s proverb. Or think of it this way: listen to your partner as if you were from two different continents.

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

—George Bernard Shaw