Addressing Self-focused Anger

Addressing Self-Focused Anger

His unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.

Psalm 103:11-12

I WANT TO GIVE YOU FOUR STEPS for responding to self-focused anger. First, admit your anger. “I am feeling angry at myself” is the first statement of healing.

Second, examine your anger by asking, Did I do something wrong? The answer to this question will help you determine if your anger is definitive or distorted. Definitive anger means you did something morally wrong. Distorted anger means you disappointed yourself but did no moral wrong. Forgetting to take your husband’s shirts to the laundry is not sinful. Forgetting is not a sin; it is part of our humanity.

Third, confess any wrongdoing to God and to the person you wronged.

Fourth, choose to forgive yourself. There is nothing to be gained by condemning yourself with comments like “I deserve to suffer; look what I did. I did what I knew was wrong. I don’t deserve forgiveness.” Remember, Satan is the accuser (see Job 1:6). God is the forgiver. Why not side with God? Psalm 103 tells us that he “has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.” In other words, our sins are completely gone. If the Lord has forgiven you, then you can forgive yourself. And once you’ve done that, you will be better able to relate to your spouse openly, without blame or anger.

Father, you know how easy it is for me to get angry at myself and how hard it can be for me to get out of the self-blaming mind-set. When I do something I shouldn’t, please help me to be willing to confess the wrongdoing and ask for your forgiveness. I know that’s the only way to resolve my anger. And as I process this anger, please help me not to lash out at my spouse but rather to be loving.

Self-anger